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Bull & bollox. Lies you have been told...

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In the course of your musical endeavours, what lies, bull5h1t and bollox, have you been told and/or experienced?

I'll go first:

Told a gig was going to be broadcast on MTV2

Joined a band who the BL claimed were getting an endorsement deal with Schecter

Received an email claiming someone from V2 Records had seen the band and were sending A&R to the next gig.

 

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"We're getting paid for the gig this time" / "Play this one for free & you'll get paid for the next one"

- most gigs when I was in an originals band.

:(

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At one time many years back I had a 'bassist available' ad up in a Swindon music shop. I gave a list of my preferred styles, which were jazz, progressive (not metal), funk. Had a call from a guy who said the "band"'s style was 'jazzy with a contemporary edge' or some such. Taking him at his word, I turned up to see what they were about. Two guys with acoustic guitars, playing singer-songwriter stuff that was about as jazzy as Ann Widdecombe and just as interesting. They had no intention of getting a drummer or keys, or ever picking up electric guitars, or it seemed writing anything half decent. The only line I can remember from any of their songs is "red cars take me home". My silver car couldn't take me home quick enough.

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I was once told my signature had been included on a contract i specifically hadn't signed, which was nice. They were some fly by night fantasists. That didn't end well.

 

 

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I was told that the bassist wasn’t the most handsome & talented member of the band......,,

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'Qualified electrician hooked up the power in the marquee this morning'....

'Do this gig cheap and you'll get booked for proper money at next year's event'.....

'We'll look after the band - feed and water you guys all day'.....

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Taking a booking for a wedding gig where we were the second band of two, with a DJ set in between. 

Wedding planner: ‘You can use the first band’s PA, mics and shell kit, I’ve checked with them and it’s ok. They’re happy to stay, have a drink and pack up later.’

Arrive during the DJ set at the appointed time to find the first band fully packed down and already loading out.

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Played a wedding near Aberystwyth having driven from Oxfordshire. We were promised overnight hotel accommodation, which turned out to be one twin room. There was six of us. 

At another wedding, in a marquee in the Lake District (I live in Oxfordshire). 

’We’ve arranged bed and breakfast  accommodation very close to the wedding venue.’ And indeed they had. A tent in the field behind the marquee, with bed (well, a groundsheet) and breakfast (packet of Aldi croissants). I slept fully clothed that night with my bass, and vowed that that was the last time I’d ever do this again.

 

 

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Selling an acoustic guitar to a complete beginner 'you need a solid spruce top'...

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'Here's our set list. Choose any of them you like for the audition because we all know them really well'.

'We're really committed'.

'We rehearse every week and start at 7 o'clock prompt'

'We've got lots of gigs booked in'

'I'll go away and learn these new songs for next week'

'I can't come this week because the wife / kiddie / mother-in-law feels ill'.

'This is the only band I'm in'.

'You won't mind if Carl watches the rehearsal. He's just a friend of the band'.

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‘I was in thunderclap newman’

’I sang backing vocals on Rocket Man’

’I played guitar Everyone’s Kung Fu Fighting’

All from one guitarist. 

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My fist gig in about 30 years last year. Brand new band. We were asked to play at a charity launch at a local(ish) lodge. We were told that there would be anything from 200 to 500 people there from all over Europe for the charity launch. When we got there the owner had arranged bugger all and the only people there were brought by the band. 

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2 hours ago, BrunoBass said:

 I slept fully clothed that night with my bass, and vowed that that was the last time I’d ever do this again.

Sure, we’ve all *said* that...

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I get extremely grumpy if I don't eat regularly.  All small mammals have to eat regularly, is how I rationalise it.

'We can help ourselves to the birthday buffet' said the singer.

Nope.  I got hungry and grumpy.

'you said we could eat at the buffet'

'No I didn't'

'Yes, you did, I have the email'

'No I didn't'

And so on.  A rather embarrassing finger pointing session just before we started the gig.  Which was my last with the band :) 

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We were invited to play at a folk festival. We were a prog-jazz-fusion band. I didn't understand why they were calling us for this festival, but it was well paid. We said yes.

The folk guys said us after the balance : "Wow what a sound.”

When we started to play, everyone left the venue, I mean we really played for the tables and chairs. Even the sound engineer left.

They came back when we had finished, saying : "The sound was better outside". No kidding.

And yes, we got our money...

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The cheque's in the post

Yes, i love you

There's a 3rd but cant quite remember ...

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Very early 70's, and I was an impoverished fresh faced Devon youth who'd recently moved to London - to 'make it' of course.

Answered an ad for a bass player for a backing band for a 'famous soul singer'

It sounded great to my gullible ears, although I had to admit I really hadn't heard of this famous soul singer before. But it was a West End residency position, six nights a week, at an extremely upmarket disco just off Park Lane The pay was "£60 per week", which was a fantastic sum to me at that time.

I got the gig, massive excitement, and after 2 weeks of regular rehearsals at a studio in Islington the band arrived at the venue  - to find 4 other bands already there.

It was just a showcase evening, there was no residency, and the 'famous soul singer' who we'd realised was a master b**lshi**er performed like an absolute dog. And the band had shared the daily cost of the rehearsal room, which had been eye wateringly expensive, with absolutely no contributions from the singer..

Of course, it was the first and last gig for this band, and was a very expensive lesson for me, but at least I learnt that if it sounds too good to be true then it will be.

 

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"I promise I'll have the gig diary with me on Wednesday - come back then"

"Yes, we can jam and write some stuff together after you've learned all MY stuff"

"Yes, I'll have that new crash cymbal for our recording session"

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When I was mainly drumming I answered an add for a startup/jam session at my local rehearsal studio with two guys I had never met, It was all done by email and text.

I pitched up early as I know its a pain waiting for the drummer to set his kit up and I like to make full use of the time slot. Set up and had a coffee in prep for the guitarist and bassist to arrive. It got to 15 mins past the agreed time so I decided to make use of the time and do some practice. Half an hour went by, then 45 mins and I thought something must be wrong. Checked the messages on my phone. Yep, got the right date, time and place so where are they? Texted the guitarist. Nothing. Bassist, nothing. After using up the 2 hour slot practicing I packed up and went home. The guitarist got back to me the next day asking where I had been. He insisted they had been to the studio and there was no one there. Bolloc*s. The front door was open, my car was right outside and I was thrashing away on a drum kit. I still have no idea why they decided not to turn up, surely If they had second thoughts they could have called it off. And not answering texts on the night was downright poor form.

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Posted (edited)

Did a vanity Google to find someone's MySpace page where they claimed to have played drums with our band on many occasions. Naturally none of us had heard of him. He lived hundreds of miles away. If we were in any way famous, or even 'Threatin' famous, I could understand. But we are literally Dog and Duck. And I don't even mean headlining the Dog and Duck.

Edited by nige1968
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A few years back we got a call from a reasonably high profile manager/agent to 'come in for a meeting'

"Sign with me lads and I'll get you booked at so many festivals, you won't know what hit you"

He threw us a handful of private birthday/wedding gigs that his main bands didn't want and took 20% of every gig we booked ourselves for 2 years.

It would have been peanuts to him, but to us it was like having a fifth member who never helped carry the PA.

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