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Do you have a supportive partner and is it important?


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I’ve been married for 22 years now. 
we met playing in the same band, and I have a free hand to acquire whatever gear catches my eye- she has also acquired stud to give to me !!

it’s absolutely vital that I’m not having to sneak about smuggling gear in and out. A relationship cannot survive in that environment. 
my three kids are all proud of what I do for a living and have told their teachers on occasions that I’m a rock star 😂😂

I had a once in a lifetime opportunity come in last week, and when I told my son, he said that I HAD to do it- no alternative!
my boys have never seen me in a 9-5 role and understand that my days can be rather fluid- whether teaching in school or driving abroad to tour or staying away to record. 
I could not do what I do without the support of my whole family, and they make it easier for me knowing that they do. 
I consider myself extremely fortunate and blessed

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My wife seemed to like the idea of being hitched to a musician. She loved the gigs, the parties, the +1’s to events, the access all areas passes, and festivals etc. And as she rarely drinks she would often drive me to local shows, which is brilliant. Or was brilliant, I haven’t done a gig since Dec 2019. 

She didn’t mind me cluttering up our place with instruments of all types. 1960s Hammond C3 and Leslie speaker cab? No problem. Fender Rhodes and other vintage keys? Recording equipment? Amps? Dozens of stringed instruments? Drums? She was fine with all of it, flightcases and everything. Totally supportive. 

The only thing she’s never been keen on is me being away from home for too long when touring. When we had a mortgage I paid it with gig money, but there were times when I was away for up to six weeks at a time. Then home for a few days, then off out again. She was hospitalised after a car crash one time when I was away which was grim. And we were made homeless when a bent landlord changed the locks on our rented place another time. I came offstage in France and found 25 missed calls on my mobile. When I got back to the UK a day later, I had to meet her at a hotel and she was pretty shaken up. That was awful too.

But it was like when my Dad worked on the rigs in the 70s when I was a kid. He’d be away for a bit, then home for a bit. And it paid the bills. Sometimes stuff would happen but it’s part of what I do, or used to. 

Now I have a much smaller collection of gear and a more sedate (or flatlined) gigging schedule I’m under her feet a lot and she’s begging me to do stuff 😂 Please please go and play some gigs! 

 

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3 hours ago, Mykesbass said:

To me that equates as supportive. Need a certain strength of relationship for that to work.

I'd say it's more not unsupportive. I didn't expect her to make me the centre of her existence and she didn't expect me to.

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My wife was not keen on my ukulele band's music (but let's face it, who would be!)

She likes my church band, but rightly squashes my annoyance when it goes wrong, and tempers my over-enthusiasm when it goes well.

 

She is okay with my limited purchases - she gets that I need to maintain equipment, and buy strings.   I now have a small budget to buy kit - £10 per month, into a savings account - which should cover strings and cables.   

 

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Example one.

Girlfriend - was a fan of the Genre I was playing. Hated the band, hated the band members, hated the band members girlfriends.  Was wildly jealous of the band (like it was another woman). Hated me rehearsing, hated me gigging.  At gigs she would go sit away from the "band table" so I had the choice of sitting with her or the band. Thought I should "grow up, sell up and spend more time focusing on her" (we rehearsed once a week, gigged about twice a month...).

Example two

Current wife. When I lost the will to play again and sold all my stuff to pay some debts she went ballistic and bought me a bass. Has been 100% supportive of anything I've done, never complained about rehearsals/gigs/gear purchases. Paid towards a 50th Birthday present for me of a bass - which I didnt get on with, and she was totally fine with me selling it and buying something else. Jokes about me buying and sellinbg gear, and I know if I asked within reason she would let me did into the savings to get gear (I dont.). Says it makes her "hot" when I play.. what more can you ask for.

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My wife is hugely supportive.  Unfortunately my talent doesn't rise to the challenge. And with GAS it can be an issue.  A typical GAS conversation may take an unintuitive turn:

Me: I could do with a new (bass/sax/head/ amp / mouthpiece).  I need this because...

Mrs Lownote:  Not need to justify it.  If you want it, buy it.

Me:  I can't.  We haven't the money and there are bills to pay / rainy days to forfend/ etc.. .

Mrs L: No really, buy it.  You come this way but once.

Me:  Nnnnnoooooooo......

Edited by lownote12
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None of my wives or long term partners has been that excited by my chosen lifestyle.

I don't blame them at all.

One came to gigs in order to prevent me murdering the singer en route to the venue. So in a very real way she kept that band alive.

But I have led a self centred life, selfish in my indulgence, myopic to the needs of others. Which is why I will, deservedly, die penniless and alone.

I am a feckin awesome bass player though.

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Yep. My wife is good as gold. She occasionally has issues with the amount of gigs that sometimes restrict social occasions but for the most part she likes to have the tv remote and a few extra quid to do nice things… but puppies that kinda thing … 

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Mrs Japhet has been brilliant. We have a reciprocal arrangement where she indulges her expensive and time consuming passion for horses, and I do music. I help her whenever I can and she's very supportive of me. She used to come to loads of gigs but doesn't much any more. Too many pi55ed up dickheads for her liking and I can't say I blame her. I buy whatever gear I want and can afford and she pays for all of her horsey stuff. Works absolutely fine.

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1 hour ago, AndyTravis said:

Yes.

100%.
 

She’s always supported me in personal and musical matters.

has booked rehearsal rooms and arranged bands around me.

unbelievable lady.

 

BB901F24-3ACA-4F12-8C06-4E764C860D40.jpeg

I particularly like the way this photo makes you look like one of the kings who has travelled afar, Andy.

That does look like a photograph of a successful relationship. Good luck to you both.

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Mrs Soup is somewhere between tolerant and supportive.

On the upside she is OK with time spent on band rehearsals, occasional gigs, learning songs, home recordings and visits to play at open mics or folk circles.

On the downside she will never (like NEVER) see me play live or listen to any recorded material ☹️. And she doesn't understand the cost of gear etc.... thinks £100 is a lot to spend on a guitar and so on ☹️☹️.

 

She doesn't have any hobbies which are non-domestic.... which means we have a beautifully kept garden (I mow the lawn and that's about it) for example... but nothing just for her.

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7 hours ago, Nibody said:

Example one.

Girlfriend - was a fan of the Genre I was playing. Hated the band, hated the band members, hated the band members girlfriends.  Was wildly jealous of the band (like it was another woman). Hated me rehearsing, hated me gigging.  At gigs she would go sit away from the "band table" so I had the choice of sitting with her or the band. Thought I should "grow up, sell up and spend more time focusing on her" (we rehearsed once a week, gigged about twice a month...).

Example two

Current wife. When I lost the will to play again and sold all my stuff to pay some debts she went ballistic and bought me a bass. Has been 100% supportive of anything I've done, never complained about rehearsals/gigs/gear purchases. Paid towards a 50th Birthday present for me of a bass - which I didnt get on with, and she was totally fine with me selling it and buying something else. Jokes about me buying and sellinbg gear, and I know if I asked within reason she would let me did into the savings to get gear (I dont.). Says it makes her "hot" when I play.. what more can you ask for.

Keeper

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7 hours ago, lownote12 said:

My wife is hugely supportive.  Unfortunately my talent doesn't rise to the challenge. And with GAS it can be an issue.  A typical GAS conversation may take an unintuitive turn:

Me: I could do with a new (bass/sax/head/ amp / mouthpiece).  I need this because...

Mrs Lownote:  Not need to justify it.  If you want it, buy it.

Me:  I can't.  We haven't the money and there are bills to pay / rainy days to forfend/ etc.. .

Mrs L: No really, buy it.  You come this way but once.

Me:  Nnnnnoooooooo......

Keeper

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Mine also hovering around tolerant - she’s bought me books or kit that I wanted but with no real insight. She gets that I like playing music with people but despite having perfect pitch herself has no interest in that. She and my Kids love horses and go off to do horsey things so she said “yes, absolutely go” about the bass bash but only because it’s fair - which means I’m slightly jealous of some of you 

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10 hours ago, Geek99 said:

Keeper

Damn right.

She was a "clubber", I was a "rocker/Alt music/punk" fan. She's a dot (4'11") Im a chunky 5'10. Everyone told us we would last 5 minutes. 21 years later (19 years married) and two kids later we are going strong through family deaths, health issues, kids with Autism, cancer scares, miscarriages. Most of those who laughed are not with their partners of the time.

The hilarious thing is she was a friend of the girlfriend I mentioned - we split up as she was unbenownst to me practicing a one sided "open" relationship (she was basicaly going out clubbing with her mate from work - which I didnt have an issue with, not the jealous type - and doing anybody that offered/was willing to  - drugs were involved too which I found out about after the fact).

Myself and the wife got chatting (more so than when I was dating her friend) and it grew from there.

Raises eyebrows when people ask " how did you meet" and I say she was my ex girlfriends mate - they always assume something had been going on with me and her and thats why the ex and I split. Not the case.

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Mrs Ubit is awesomely supportive of my music. Both of her brothers are very, very good guitarists and she plays piano herself. So she has had music coming out of her ears since childhood. Even although I don't play in the band anymore, she doesn't nag me to sell any of my gear. I still hope that I can get a new job and get back into gigging but until then the spare room/music room is full of guitars, basses and equipment and she is happy with that.

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Mine is very supportive. In the last group she came to all our shows, but the current one, we do stupid 3 hour gigs in pubs she would rather not go with so she doesn't, but she is always interested. She has no problems with me buying things, beyond the roll of the eyes and a judgement on whether the new bass is ugly or not. Which is good, the non ugly basses live in the living room.

She is a singer and we have been in groups together, but currently our last group just split up so we need to do another.

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My wife just has to put up with my GAS and BC, and she does pretty well to be fair, often encouraging me when I’m not sure to buy.

I stopped playing out in around 2008 due to a chronic health issue. At the time my then partner was upset saying ‘because of your health you burn yourself out playing, and all I get is what’s left of you after’. Because I was so driven to play and struggling with the life changes occurring, her words didn’t mean much to me, especially as we were growing apart anyway. But I get it now, and fair enough to her -  I would never do that to my lovely wife, even if she said she was fine with it.  

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A bit of an odd story, but after 20 years of marriage and a son my wife and I split in 1996( yeah, we're old) but she had always supported my musical things and came to some gigs, in fact we met at a gig I was playing. Around 2008 we met a few times for coffee and she helped me through the disastrous relationship I was in and we have become good fiends and partners of a sort. She lives 80km from me but spends a few days here every week or two, we travel together and just came home from a weekend visit to our son and his wife.

In the last few years she has come to many gigs and always helps with the gear and gives advice re sound and set up and is a huge support for me. After years of guitar and EB playing I saw an ad in 2015 for an EUB some 300km away and she literally said "get into the car and go buy it" and I picked her up, made the trip and bought my first EUB which started me down the slippery slope. When I saw a better EUB a year or two later she said the same thing and I made and even longer trip to get that. By 2018 we had travelled to England twice and I had been a BC member for three years and I saw a double bass bash scheduled for 2018. Of course she said I should go and we made another trip to England. The organizers couldn't decide on a date for the bash and finally asked me when I was going to be in England and set a date based on that, I was thrilled. Then I was picked up by a BC member and had a wonderful day playing and talking about double basses and EUBs and meeting BC members.

Two months after we got back to Canada I saw an ad for a DB and once again it was "get into the car and get it, NOW" and after a 13 hour round trip I came home with my beautiful blonde DB "Marilyn". She loves it and has made a bib for it and encourages me and supports me all the way and even likes listening to me practice, at least for a while.

I joined BC after I got the first EUB so she is/was behind all my adventures in upright bass and loves BC almost as much as I do. I don't know where our relationship will go but it's been great for almost 15 years and I would not be where I am in terms of basses and bass playing without her and BC, I am very lucky. 

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20 hours ago, AndyTravis said:

Yes.

100%.
 

She’s always supported me in personal and musical matters.

has booked rehearsal rooms and arranged bands around me.

unbelievable lady.

 

BB901F24-3ACA-4F12-8C06-4E764C860D40.jpeg

Love the tiny norse helmet!😂

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On 19/07/2021 at 09:52, Cat Burrito said:

For those of us who are married or in long term relationships, how important is it to have a partner who supports your music?

i'm not married, but i suppose my current relationship counts as at least medium term.  i'd never consider any sort of serious relationship with someone who wasn't interested in music - it's something so important to me that i can't imagine ever having a connection with someone who only 'tolerated' me playing an instrument.  my ex-girlfriend was the owner/editor of a heavy metal magazine, and my current partner (who i live with) is learning piano himself.  i'm trying to convince him to play the Hammond organ for that old blues sound, but he's more interested in classical music right now, so i may need to transcribe some cello pieces...

i know life can be weird and often requires compromise, so i don't judge other people for ending up in a relationship where they have to sacrifice their interests to please their partner - especially if that interest developed after they already have financial entanglement, or even kids, and can't easily just break up.  but, personally, i would never compromise a part of myself for someone else; it's not that i wouldn't give up something for love, but rather i couldn't love someone who was so different from me.

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