band members are plotting to remove one of us... suggestions sought

[Kyndainverse]

3 hours ago, BigRedX said:

IME the less serious the band is the worse the band politics are. 

Sayre's law "In any dispute the intensity of feeling is inversely proportional to the value of the issues at stake."

[RAY AGAINST THE MACHINE]

When the fun stops stop 

[Beedster]

5 hours ago, BigRedX said:

IME the less serious the band is the worse the band politics are. 

 

Ha ha, I very nearly said just the same yesterday, one low-talent/high-ego member is manageable, but four of them.........  

[Sean]

Everyone's experience is different but my solution to this problem is to walk away and let them get on with it. You don't need that level of cr4p in your life. 

[12stringbassist]

It is a very unsettling situation and I've never been happy with bandmates going plotting behind other people's backs, having been the victim of that kind of thing, after playing with a couple of very slippery people in the past.

Gettng your bandmates to be open and honest about this could blow the whole band apart.
Could your existing member improve?
Why the wait until the new year to replace him?

I would at least say you're not entirely comfortable with the way it is being done and that the wait to try the new person makes you nervous.

Good luck.

[Jean-Luc Pickguard]

I'm so glad that I'm in a band without any of this kind of BS.

 

 

— Unless they're plotting to oust me behind my back of course.

[Crusoe]

I didn't know whether to post this here or in the Danny Sapko thread 🤣

 

https://youtube.com/shorts/AFTY4R65Fpo?si=vjzhtI3mhATyP9SB

[Uncle Rodney]

Minor update: I decided to contact Mr B (the member earmarked to be removed) - it took him a week to respond to my text, giving me time/day to phone him, which I did, got instantly to his voicemail/answerphone, I made a comment saying we need to chat about the band... and then heard nothing more.

 

So I can only assume he doesn't want to talk to me or perhaps doesn't want to hear about bad things. Anyway, I'm done with this now, my conscience is clear  I made a positive move to reduce any hurt. If we once again meet up (band rehearsal) and they boot him out...

 

Worst I had like this was about 4 years ago in a band. The "lead" guitarist was really awful, I don't know why the BL (Band Leader) chose him other than being his friend. It came to a point where he had to go, ok, them being friends should mean a nice quiet chat etc. Anyway the BL called me and the drummer in (like a works meeting) and was quite abrupt with the guy, like a public humilation! As the discussion unfolded I could see this was more a public humilation so I left the room. I'm not having ANY part of that nonsense.

Some months after I left the band, as you guys will know, if that BL sacks his friend like that he will do the same to me. When I gave my reason for stepping out the BL gave a nonsense reply, in my view he's a joker, not worth spending time with. There's some really crap people in bands.

 

Edited Monday at 15:45 by Uncle Rodney

[Steve Browning]

I wonder if, when leaving your message, you could have said something along the lines of 'how are you doing?' rather than leave a message that might have come across as a bit 'it's not you, it's me'. Just the interpretation I get from your reported message.

Edited Monday at 15:48 by Steve Browning

[Uncle Rodney]

Ya know, I did give this some careful thought at the time, but I wasn't expecting the answerphone because Mr B was expecting my call.

I've found sometimes no matter how carefully I choose my words, it all depends how the receiver interprets them at that precise moment. For example asking "how are you?" can get "f**k off don't waste my time" because they are not the type of person who responds to that (apparently German people hate that question as do many Northeners).

Another "I'd like to talk with you regarding the band" can produce "why just not say it then!" or "you're not the BL so fo" and so on. It all depends how the person feels at that specific moment.

I think my on-the-spot message was "I'd like to talk to you about recent events in the band.."

 

As an aside I have used the "it's not you it's me" tactic and found some people REALLY hate that. My Hungarian friend (really nice young man) we were discussing this phrase and he got really animated! 🤣 He said "we eastern Europeans say exactly as we see it, if you smell we will say "YOU STINK! non of this nonsense you Brits comeout with." 🤣 I did laugh.

 

Shoot me 😆

Edited yesterday at 07:58 by Uncle Rodney

[RAY AGAINST THE MACHINE]

…

Edited yesterday at 10:54 by RAY AGAINST THE MACHINE

[TimR]

21 hours ago, Uncle Rodney said:

Ya know, I did give this some careful thought at the time, but I wasn't expecting the answerphone because Mr B was expecting my call.

I've found sometimes no matter how carefully I choose my words, it all depends how the receiver interprets them at that precise moment. For example asking "how are you?" can get "f**k off don't waste my time" because they are not the type of person who responds to that (apparently German people hate that question as do many Northeners).

Another "I'd like to talk with you regarding the band" can produce "why just not say it then!" or "you're not the BL so fo" and so on. It all depends how the person feels at that specific moment.

I think my on-the-spot message was "I'd like to talk to you about recent events in the band.."

 

As an aside I have used the "it's not you it's me" tactic and found some people REALLY hate that. My Hungarian friend (really nice young man) we were discussing this phrase and he got really animated! 🤣 He said "we eastern Europeans say exactly as we see it, if you smell we will say "YOU STINK! non of this nonsense you Brits comeout with." 🤣 I did laugh.

 

Shoot me 😆

Don't overthink it.

 

I left a band because people who knew my situation were too immature to recognise how it was affecting me mentally, even when I told them to cut me some slack. 

 

If you are not aware of things going on in his life that are preventing him from picking up the phone you can't temper your response accordingly.

 

If he has always been rubbish with comms, that may be why A wants to get rid of him. If it's a new new thing then it probably needs a chat, or he will walk anyway. 

 

 

 

 

 

[martin8708]

If B is a drummer, stick with him ( drummers are RARE ! ) 

Especially if A is a guitarist ( Not rare ) 

[Geek99]

Weirdly at my local jam night, you can be absolutely falling over drummers. Not normal, I know. One night I was chatting to my friend and realised everyone else within a two metre radius was a drummer. I was the only bass player in the village. 

[Kiwi]

All this stuff behind people's backs is toxic.  Some leadership is needed from the rest of the band.

 

If A has concernes, he should take responsibility for setting a clear expectation.  Or B could also just tell him to foxtrot oscar and highlight some of A's own failings.  After the clearing of the air, hopefully both might be a little more aware of their own short comings and perhaps more inclined to work on their own performances rather than criticise the others and perhaps...PERHAP each could OFFER to improve an aspect of their playing if there are valid concerns from the rest of the band. 

 

[basexperience]

On 26/11/2025 at 08:44, Uncle Rodney said:

It's something we encounter in bands, however as I've grown older and been on both sides of this situation, I maintain, "be nice". Here's the current situation, I will use alias' so not to reveal anything personal.

 

Band member A thinks band member B isn't good enough, insisting B has to go. Interestingly A has "found" a replacement in C showing us videos of their performance selling C to us. The current band plan is to auditon C without telling B about it.

 

This leaves me feeling bad because B now becomes treated differently in online chats, as if he has an infectious disease. The band plans to try out C in the new year, so that's 6 weeks B is frozen out.

 

I've already said - so we get C onboard, a few weeks later he announces his "other band is getting busy so needs to leave" - Obviously B has now gone with no replacement. The band stalls. C will leave if he thinks the band isn't good enough anyway.

 

Personally I don't think A is that good. I had a quiet moment with B before this situation arose and B has said A isn't that good.

 

Any ideas? I need to be nice to everyone, bands should be enjoyable, it's the bitching that makes it all sour. I suspect B has "a lot on his plate" and doesn't need anymore 💩- so I'm wondering if to phone him for a quiet update, he could then tell the band "sorry guys, I have a lot of 💩on my plate and need to drop out" it's better the exit is done by B rather than be "fired".

Fascinating. I’m late to the party on this one, and it’s been many years since I was in this kind of situation, but the memory is fresh. 
 

It’s always interesting to me that some musicians develop enormous egos, some pass through that stage, some don’t. The ones that don’t are often the ones who don’t progress musically anyway - which is usually a sign they’re not that great.

They’re the ones who still crank volume WAY too high and rehearsals and gigs, take ludicrous solos (and yes, you always sigh inwardly during the gig when that happens) and generally have the diva thing going on if there’s something else in their lives bothering them which has FA to do with the gig. 
 

My take is always to be the coward. If that stuff starts rearing its ugly head, wait until you feel like it’s not fun, then bow out and find something more fun to do. Tell them you need something fresh, or you need a change of direction, anything useful. The egomaniac will know, in their heart of hearts, exactly why you’re going, but it won’t make any difference to their behaviour, and you’ll hear whispers about the whole thing fizzling out a few weeks later. 
 

Sesame Street: A is for a*%hole 😂🤣 (jk)(a bit)

[basexperience]

10 hours ago, Geek99 said:

Weirdly at my local jam night, you can be absolutely falling over drummers. Not normal, I know. One night I was chatting to my friend and realised everyone else within a two metre radius was a drummer. I was the only bass player in the village. 

Been there! I know so many amazing drummers down here in the Thames valley. Lovely times ❤️

[Geek99]

9 minutes ago, basexperience said:

Fascinating. I’m late to the party on this one, and it’s been many years since I was in this kind of situation, but the memory is fresh. 
 

It’s always interesting to me that some musicians develop enormous egos, some pass through that stage, some don’t. The ones that don’t are often the ones who don’t progress musically anyway - which is usually a sign they’re not that great.

They’re the ones who still crank volume WAY too high and rehearsals and gigs, take ludicrous solos (and yes, you always sigh inwardly during the gig when that happens) and generally have the diva thing going on if there’s something else in their lives bothering them which has FA to do with the gig. 
 

My take is always to be the coward. If that stuff starts rearing its ugly head, wait until you feel like it’s not fun, then bow out and find something more fun to do. Tell them you need something fresh, or you need a change of direction, anything useful. The egomaniac will know, in their heart of hearts, exactly why you’re going, but it won’t make any difference to their behaviour, and you’ll hear whispers about the whole thing fizzling out a few weeks later. 
 

Sesame Street: A is for a*%hole 😂🤣 (jk)(a bit)

I don’t see it as cowardly (necessarily).
Part of being an adult is to know which battles you can win, which you might win and which you definitely won’t, regardless of moral right or wrong and so walking away from #3

Blazing screaming rows don’t benefit anyone. 

Edited 13 hours ago by Geek99

[Supernaut]

On 26/11/2025 at 08:44, Uncle Rodney said:

It's something we encounter in bands, however as I've grown older and been on both sides of this situation, I maintain, "be nice". Here's the current situation, I will use alias' so not to reveal anything personal.

 

Band member A thinks band member B isn't good enough, insisting B has to go. Interestingly A has "found" a replacement in C showing us videos of their performance selling C to us. The current band plan is to auditon C without telling B about it.

 

This leaves me feeling bad because B now becomes treated differently in online chats, as if he has an infectious disease. The band plans to try out C in the new year, so that's 6 weeks B is frozen out.

 

I've already said - so we get C onboard, a few weeks later he announces his "other band is getting busy so needs to leave" - Obviously B has now gone with no replacement. The band stalls. C will leave if he thinks the band isn't good enough anyway.

 

Personally I don't think A is that good. I had a quiet moment with B before this situation arose and B has said A isn't that good.

 

Any ideas? I need to be nice to everyone, bands should be enjoyable, it's the bitching that makes it all sour. I suspect B has "a lot on his plate" and doesn't need anymore 💩- so I'm wondering if to phone him for a quiet update, he could then tell the band "sorry guys, I have a lot of 💩on my plate and need to drop out" it's better the exit is done by B rather than be "fired".

Classic BC answer is to just quit. 
 

An actual helpful answer would be to have an honest and open discussion about it all. Bands should not be talking behind others backs. 

[leschirons]

This really doesn't sound like a band I'd want to be in with all this going on. If people can't be up front with each other, it's a non starter.

[dmccombe7]

Not encountered this kind of thing in many years but for me i find A a bit sneaky. Don't believe i could work with him in any band.

Do you and the band all get along ok ?

I'd reconsider whether or not A is required in the band.

Can B step up and take on some or all of the lead work and if so then adapt the guitar parts to suit one guitarist. Failing that option look for a replacement for A.

Dave

[mike257]

On 27/11/2025 at 11:18, BigRedX said:

IME the less serious the band is the worse the band politics are. 

 

Aye, when you're all paying your bills from it, it tends to encourage everyone to grow the fúck up and get on with the task at hand like professionals!