Overreaction?

[EssexBuccaneer]

Guys, on Thursday our singer dropped a message into our ‘serious’ WhatsApp group (as opposed to our regular chat which is full of memes and in-jokes). Long story short, it was ‘We need to chat, I’ve got a lot going on and I’m not in a good place. I want this to come out through me and not for you to find out later…etc etc’

 

Now I’m off on holiday tomorrow with my wife and we’ve been looking forwards to this holiday for literally years  (we last went abroad in 2019). So I said ‘that’s cool, but we need this sorted and out in the open before I go away, because this isn’t going to hang over my holiday. 3 of us (4-piece band) could manage several dates and times, but the singer couldn’t make any of them. We offered a group call but he didn’t respond. Today, we discussed the opportunity of meeting tomorrow AM just before I go away, but once again he can’t make it ‘so it’ll have to be when you get back’ 

 

in response I left the ‘serious’ group chat with a message saying ‘I’m not dealing with this on my holiday, someone came rejoin me in this group when I get back’ 

 

I’m certain it’s p***ed him off as he hasn’t even reached out to say ‘are you ok?’ (I’m not). Unlike the other 2 guys who both checked in with me in no time.
 

Have I overreacted? 

Edited Saturday at 13:08 by EssexBuccaneer

[Burns-bass]

No.

 

Being in a band is like being married. You have to treat each other with respect or it won’t work.

 

You’ve been fair and honest. Turn off your phone and have an amazing holiday.

[Lozz196]

No, you want to have a good holiday, metaphorically put your feet up and relax, not have a load of stuff from back home to deal with whilst away. 

[neepheid]

I might have simply muted the group rather than outright left, but nonetheless your ire is justified.  Try to put it to the back of your mind and enjoy your hols.  Really not cool for the singer to drop a bomb then rebuff all attempts to sort it out before you leave.  I get that he's having problems, but you can't pull the emergency cord like that, then sit on your hands.

[EBS_freak]

musicians for you.

[dave_bass5]

I suppose 'I’ve got a lot going on and I’m not in a good place' can partly explain his non communication. To be fair I think I would have got annoyed as well, but without knowing what his issue's are it might be a bit of an over reaction. 

The world is a global place, you could still do a zoom or group call from anywhere. 

[Stub Mandrel]

Tread carefully. He's the one in a crisis and has tried to help out.

 

If you make him feel like you're having an even bigger one as a result, it adds to his burden and retreating from the situation may be all he's up to.

[Bass Novice]

I dont think you have over reacted. If it was that important he could have arranged a videocall. What is the worst case scenario, could he be replaced?

[Ben Jamin]

I'm saying this to hopefully be helpful and constructive, but I think this is an overreaction. You're asking the question, so I imagine you might think so too.

 

It sounds like your singer reached out to say that he's in a seriously bad place, and it seems that your initial response to him is framed around how this might inconvenience your holiday. There are likely a number of reasons why he's struggled to communicate or find a prompt time to talk, but he's probably not trying to mess with your time off. We often assume bad intention towards us that just isn't there. Hanlon's Razor helps me out a lot.

 

If you want to resolve the band situation, don't take it personally (because it almost certainly isn't), give him space and help him to feel that he isn't being a burden. Being frustrated with him and leaving the chat is only going to push him away.

 

Edited yesterday at 07:03 by Ben Jamin

[Uncle Rodney]

As a bystander, with no agenda. My band had similar situation with our singer, a large robust man. He said, the equivalent of "..I’ve got a lot going on and I’m not in a good place."
I was shocked, this was unexpected, however I knew not to press the matter, rather I stood back, so to give him "space". I stayed in the background.

 

I see this as a stress reaction: "I’m off on holiday tomorrow... because this isn’t going to hang over my holiday" - ya need a holiday dood! 🤗 A part of that process is forcing the brain to switch off regarding domestic matters. It's not easy if the brain has been overworked for a long time. *holiday mission statement* I must ignore events at home... pass the sun cream, this sun is hot..😎 I'd like an ice cream.🍦

 

And this is a pressure relief valve, when the stress gets too much, or a person has lost interest in the band, will issue this stock reply: "..several dates and times, but the singer couldn’t make any of them."

Stress is a monster. I think the singer needs time and no pressure. Maybe just a "we're here" type of message. Keep the door open. Prepare for the fall out, if the singer has to leave or perhaps they just need a few months off.

 

Venting frustration with sharp actions tends to be counter productive. As mentioned, turn the phone off and tune into...

 

 

BTW: I like "Hanlon's razor" not heard that before.

[binky_bass]

My opinion (not that anyone asked!) is that yes, your reaction is a little 'over' so to speak.

 

You don't know what's happening with him (or do you?), so you cant gauge what he's feeling/dealing with. In these scenarios we must take the cautious road and assume something quite difficult is being experienced at his end. 

 

The fact you've told him that "this needs sorting before MY holiday" (paraphrased) won't have done him any good. I expect he read that and MAY have thought "I'm in this terrible place and this guy is just worried about his holiday".

 

I understand your position, one of partial frustration and the genuine want/need to have a good solid, unburdened, holiday reset. But, as we're unclear to this chaps position, I'd lean towards caution and suggest his situation might not be best helped by you 'needing' answers now. 

 

Give him time, enjoy your holiday. Perhaps, if you're so inclined, send him a simple message saying something like "I genuinely hope all is well mate, as you know I'm off on holiday now, let's catch up in a week or two, speak soon and keep safe".

 

That way he and you have no pressure to deal with until you're back, might give him time to process his situation and work out a way to discuss it with the band. 

 

Just my two cents. I hope he's well and you genuinely have a fantastic holiday! 

[SpondonBassed]

On 27/09/2025 at 14:08, EssexBuccaneer said:

Have I overreacted? 

 

I don't think so.

 

I.T. generally has made it difficult to relax after work.  You might have work related SMS items to deal with on your own time.   You might have bosses who don't sleep and can't understand that normal people NEED sleep.  Similarly, on holiday, it is hard to get away from it all now that comms providers have made roaming charges more attractive to their customers.

 

The way I look at it;  The internet and all of the devices connected to it are dependant on electricity.  The makers have left out one important thing - the OFF switch.  Standby is seen to be the same thing except it isn't.  When I go out of a room, I switch the light OFF.  I do the same with mobile comms and data.  I have no need to carry it with me.

 

Go and enjoy your holiday.  When you come back I am sure the melodrama will have developed sufficiently for you to deal with then.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[TimR]

I have an Android phone. The Do Not Disturb feature is very powerful with very in depth features. I don't know how the Apple version works but it's worth exploring. 

 

I went away for a week and checked messages and emails every evening for preview of message and subject line of email. No messages or emails were opened. No facebook, TikTok, BassChat...

 

The stress completely evaporated. And to be honest I learned that all messages and emails can wait until you reply, you don't have to reply when other people expect you to reply (immediately). 

 

Regards your singer. If it was that important that he tell you immediately, he would have made the time already. He hasn't, so my gut feeling is he's prepping you for something he thinks someone else will tell you, and he wants to get his side across first.

 

Honestly? It's not your job to manage other people in your life and get involved in their problems unless they specifically come to you, or you think they are in real danger. That way leads to madness. 

 

I have little time for people who surround themselves with drama where they are the lead actor.

Edited 23 hours ago by TimR

[Jo.gwillim]

When this sort of thing has happened in bands I've been in it's been my first reaction to have to know what's going on,  it's the biggest thing on my mind. But in hind sight people have come and gone bands have come and gone,  but I'm still playing and life has carried on. Occasionally that magic combination of people has disappeared, which is a shame but usually things turn out ok. I hope they do for you. All the best

[Dan Dare]

7 hours ago, Ben Jamin said:

It sounds like your singer reached out to say that he's in a seriously bad place, and it seems that your initial response to him is framed around how this might inconvenience your holiday. There are likely a number of reasons why he's struggled to communicate or find a prompt time to talk, but he's probably not trying to mess with your time off.

 

This. The response "that’s cool, but we need this sorted and out in the open before I go away, because this isn’t going to hang over my holiday" doesn't exactly come over as understanding or supportive.

[Steve Browning]

1 hour ago, Dan Dare said:

 

This. The response "that’s cool, but we need this sorted and out in the open before I go away, because this isn’t going to hang over my holiday" doesn't exactly come over as understanding or supportive.

Unfortunately, this is my view. How will you feel if it turns out to be a serious medical diagnosis and the guy is struggling to process it?

[leschirons]

As Robin Williams said, "everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about, so be nice"

[Jonesy]

First up - I hope you're enjoying having a breather on your hols, it sounds like you need it. Hope you're OK too as you mentioned that you weren't in your first post. Band things are stressful at times and can be annoying, but ultimately there are a lot of things more important in life, so I hope you're switching off and recharging.

 

It's hard to say whether you've over reacted without knowing more about your situation, the type of person the singer is and what they're going through. If it's constant drama and he's hard to work with then I can understand your reaction. However, if everything is normally a happy ship and his message is out of the blue then I'd have said you slightly over reacted.

 

It's tough to call, but the line about 'before it comes out and you hear from other people' makes it sound like he's going through something huge. If it's rocking his life, his family and work, then the band and your holiday is low on his list of considerations, so it's understandable that he's struggled to find time to chat given what he's potentially going through.

 

I'd have just said something along the lines of 'guys, I'm off on hols. Can we find a date to chat when I'm back? I need a break so I'm muting notifications for now but will be back on xxxx' and then go from there.

 

I don't know the guy, so can't say for sure, but if it were me and someone left the band chat because I wasn't communicating properly then I'd be hesitant to reach out to them. My initial thought would be 'bugger, I've annoyed them' so I'd give them some space. If you add on what he's potentially dealing with then maybe he's just retreating into himself?