Overreaction?

[EssexBuccaneer]

Guys, on Thursday our singer dropped a message into our ‘serious’ WhatsApp group (as opposed to our regular chat which is full of memes and in-jokes). Long story short, it was ‘We need to chat, I’ve got a lot going on and I’m not in a good place. I want this to come out through me and not for you to find out later…etc etc’

 

Now I’m off on holiday tomorrow with my wife and we’ve been looking forwards to this holiday for literally years  (we last went abroad in 2019). So I said ‘that’s cool, but we need this sorted and out in the open before I go away, because this isn’t going to hang over my holiday. 3 of us (4-piece band) could manage several dates and times, but the singer couldn’t make any of them. We offered a group call but he didn’t respond. Today, we discussed the opportunity of meeting tomorrow AM just before I go away, but once again he can’t make it ‘so it’ll have to be when you get back’ 

 

in response I left the ‘serious’ group chat with a message saying ‘I’m not dealing with this on my holiday, someone came rejoin me in this group when I get back’ 

 

I’m certain it’s p***ed him off as he hasn’t even reached out to say ‘are you ok?’ (I’m not). Unlike the other 2 guys who both checked in with me in no time.
 

Have I overreacted? 

Edited 20 hours ago by EssexBuccaneer

[Burns-bass]

No.

 

Being in a band is like being married. You have to treat each other with respect or it won’t work.

 

You’ve been fair and honest. Turn off your phone and have an amazing holiday.

[Lozz196]

No, you want to have a good holiday, metaphorically put your feet up and relax, not have a load of stuff from back home to deal with whilst away. 

[neepheid]

I might have simply muted the group rather than outright left, but nonetheless your ire is justified.  Try to put it to the back of your mind and enjoy your hols.  Really not cool for the singer to drop a bomb then rebuff all attempts to sort it out before you leave.  I get that he's having problems, but you can't pull the emergency cord like that, then sit on your hands.

[EBS_freak]

musicians for you.

[dave_bass5]

I suppose 'I’ve got a lot going on and I’m not in a good place' can partly explain his non communication. To be fair I think I would have got annoyed as well, but without knowing what his issue's are it might be a bit of an over reaction. 

The world is a global place, you could still do a zoom or group call from anywhere. 

[Stub Mandrel]

Tread carefully. He's the one in a crisis and has tried to help out.

 

If you make him feel like you're having an even bigger one as a result, it adds to his burden and retreating from the situation may be all he's up to.

[Bass Novice]

I dont think you have over reacted. If it was that important he could have arranged a videocall. What is the worst case scenario, could he be replaced?

[Ben Jamin]

I'm saying this to hopefully be helpful and constructive, but I think this is an overreaction. You're asking the question, so I imagine you might think so too.

 

It sounds like your singer reached out to say that he's in a seriously bad place, and it seems that your initial response to him is framed around how this might inconvenience your holiday. There are likely a number of reasons why he's struggled to communicate or find a prompt time to talk, but he's probably not trying to mess with your time off. We often assume bad intention towards us that just isn't there. Hanlon's Razor helps me out a lot.

 

If you want to resolve the band situation, don't take it personally (because it almost certainly isn't), give him space and help him to feel that he isn't being a burden. Being frustrated with him and leaving the chat is only going to push him away.

 

Edited 2 hours ago by Ben Jamin

[Uncle Rodney]

As a bystander, with no agenda. My band had similar situation with our singer, a large robust man. He said, the equivalent of "..I’ve got a lot going on and I’m not in a good place."
I was shocked, this was unexpected, however I knew not to press the matter, rather I stood back, so to give him "space". I stayed in the background.

 

I see this as a stress reaction: "I’m off on holiday tomorrow... because this isn’t going to hang over my holiday" - ya need a holiday dood! 🤗 A part of that process is forcing the brain to switch off regarding domestic matters. It's not easy if the brain has been overworked for a long time. *holiday mission statement* I must ignore events at home... pass the sun cream, this sun is hot..😎 I'd like an ice cream.🍦

 

And this is a pressure relief valve, when the stress gets too much, or a person has lost interest in the band, will issue this stock reply: "..several dates and times, but the singer couldn’t make any of them."

Stress is a monster. I think the singer needs time and no pressure. Maybe just a "we're here" type of message. Keep the door open. Prepare for the fall out, if the singer has to leave or perhaps they just need a few months off.

 

Venting frustration with sharp actions tends to be counter productive. As mentioned, turn the phone off and tune into...

 

 

BTW: I like "Hanlon's razor" not heard that before.