HELP! What should we do?

[basshead56]

Hi guys,
Ok, so basically me and me drummer are in a pickle.
Last thursday, we had a rehearsal with one of our bands-the one we spend the most time with.
Just brought in a new guitarist (a mate from our old punk band) to fill out the sound a bit for gigs.

Anyways, the other guitarist and singer (who are a couple) show up and announce that they want to leave for Crete for three months as they´ve been offered an essentially free working holiday-playing as an acoustic/harmony duo in a bar over there. They say they´ll get paid every night and accom and food are paid for. They´ve been on holidays here before-last year and are keen to go back, but would have to put the band on hold for three months or so.
They ask us (me, drummer, new guitarist) what we think.
I reply: If you guys go, Im out- I am not waiting around for three months and will find something else to do
Drummer says he´s not sure, as does the guitarist (if he was any more laid back, you could pour him into a bowl!)

We talk about it, (first they say its a huge opportunity for the band-we tear that to s**t-it snt, it´s an opportunity for you girls to get a tan!)
they decide the band is worth sticking round for, rehearsal goes well, they go home. good days work, as usual.
Monday night- We get a group text- Hey guys, sorry but we´ve decided to go to Crete, we cant afford to pass this up. We would love to pck this up again when we get back but we understand if you cant wait around.sorry again.

Naturally, I am livid. First, me and the guitarist have been mates for 10 years and I get a group text. She uses my Strat, my Marshall amp, my rehearsal studio and I ask for nothing but the same commitment I have-which normally she has buckets more than i do! Do I get a call or any other communication? no! Ths band has done quite well and has been building up a pretty good head of steam, interest from small labels, tours to UK so far, as well as some pretty good opening slots for big bands over here.
I meet with the drummer and other guitarist, we decide what they´ve done wasn´t very fair, especially considering the pressure they´ve put on us in the last few months; how important the band is, how far we´re getting, non stop gigging etc.
So, we decided that the three of us are more or less done with them and we will pck up a couple of new projects.

Drummer tells me after logging in last nigh,t that they decided as early as last Thursday they were leaving, according to Facebook comments. All weekend they´ve been giving away detalis, selling personal items and arranging to meet friends and family before they go, on Facebook!
They told the f***ng internet before they told us, then send us one text!

So as I said, we´d decided we were done with them.
11 last night. I get a group txt from the singer. "Guys we´ve decided to stay and dig in with the band can ye rehearse Thursday, that would be perfect"

I know for a fact if the shoe was on the other foot, we´d be hunted down and VERY ill-spoken of in the vllage!

Hmm, if I hadnt seen Facebook comments leading me to believe that they either couldnt get or afford a flight or the deal has fallen through, I might believe it. Like, would you have given away your first job in two years if you decide to stay and work on the band? doubt it.
What do you reckon?
As Im writing this, my phone is hopping off the table-the two of them, all going unanswered.

I know this isnt Frank Black leaving the Pixies and telling the world before the band, but surely a mate wouldn´t be so crap about it?!

What is the best course of action?:
A) what my gut says- tell the ungrateful pair of s****s to get F´d
talk it through
C) forgive and forget

Ok rant over.
Please let me hear what you guys think.

Col

Edited June 23, 2010 by basshead56

[EBS_freak]

In the grand scale of things, 3 months is nothing. If the band means that much to you, it's worth sitting it out and not rocking the boat. If you are that worked up about it and don't care about the band, then it's time to move on and put it down to experience.

[wotnwhy]

They sound like trouble.

You could do B or C, then 6 months of hard work later turn around and do it again. They've shown you they're ficcle and un-commited. If your in this band to push it and get places, these don't sound like the people you want to do it with..

[basshead56]

[quote name='wotnwhy' post='875252' date='Jun 23 2010, 12:00 PM']They sound like trouble.

You could do B or C, then 6 months of hard work later turn around and do it again. They've shown you they're ficcle and un-commited. If your in this band to push it and get places, these don't sound like the people you want to do it with..[/quote]

Thats what it feels like to us.
Another reason i am a tad more resentful is that this guitarist and me were in a band about 8 years ago and she became impossible to work with. it ended badly.
Posthumously, the band was offered a fairly good record deal and I do still blame her for it ending before its time in the sun, but its all internalised, festering away as a harmless rage-based mental condition. so no harm there

[Big_Stu]

Depends what you expect to do with the band? If you're going to go for the whole thing, become big & successful etc then you need to have people with you that will stick it as a band thru good times and bad, which they obviously ain't.

If it's just something to do for beer money & it beats hanging on street corners then it really don't matter too much does it?

Either way, you got to ask them [b]all[/b] the question of what they're exspecting out of the band, cos it seems like only you that has a passion for it, which you really need if you're going for it.

[bottlebassman]

[quote name='wotnwhy' post='875252' date='Jun 23 2010, 12:00 PM']They sound like trouble.

You could do B or C, then 6 months of hard work later turn around and do it again. They've shown you they're ficcle and un-commited. If your in this band to push it and get places, these don't sound like the people you want to do it with..[/quote]
I agree with this, had a similar experience. They will only do it again at a later date.

[HMX]

Just makes me really question their commitment. You could try hard at making it all work again, and in two months they might get some other **BIG EXCITING OPPORTUNITY ABROAD** and leave you. All work for nothing.

I say go with your gut feeling.

[JTUK]

Let them go..they are going to go anyway.
3 months isn't that long and it will take you some time to get upto speed with another unit anyway.

I wouldn't burn any bridges and see where you are when they get back..if it suits you to startup again, then you will..if it doesn't...then it isn't much of a band to hold onto anyway.

If this is a semi pro thing/hobby, you have no say in what they do anyway. Get over it.

Edited June 23, 2010 by JTUK

[discreet]

[quote name='basshead56' post='875241' date='Jun 23 2010, 11:48 AM']A) what my gut says- tell the ungrateful pair of s****s to get F´d[/quote]

This.

[Sarah5string]

Difficult as I can see it from both sides of the fence....

Maybe have an open honest chat with them about you concerns re the comments etc and go from there?

[lemmywinks]

[quote name='basshead56' post='875241' date='Jun 23 2010, 11:48 AM']11 last night. I get a group txt from the singer. "Guys we´ve decided to stay and dig in with the band can ye rehearse Thursday, that would be perfect"[/quote]


Roughly translated this means - "Guys, our gig abroad has fallen through and now we have no band, we'd just like to pick up where things have left off and never mention it again if that's ok?"

[Ou7shined]

[quote name='basshead56' post='875241' date='Jun 23 2010, 11:48 AM']...I know for a fact if the shoe was on the other foot...[/quote]
If the shoe really were on the other foot and you were offered an equivalently exciting deal which was tickling your dreams and aspirations, what would you do?

[chris_b]

90% of musicians are selfish and 90% of bands are temporary. You will always be disappointed if you expect things to be different.

Being in 2 or more bands or projects isn’t a sign of lack of commitment. It’s a sign that you’re committed to playing as much music as you can. It’s a challenge to the others to get their act together. So spread your wings, so to speak, but don't leave; find a second band and a third if you can.

[ahpook]

kick the singer and the guitarist out and start another band with the drummer and new-ish guitarist.

they're quite happy to put you 2nd place behind them wanting to go live the easy life for 3 months....

[basshead56]

[quote name='Ou7shined' post='875337' date='Jun 23 2010, 01:14 PM']If the shoe really were on the other foot and you were offered an equivalently exciting deal which was tickling your dreams and aspirations, what would you do? [/quote]

Once again, the voice of reason. Only the true master can wield the mighty Pingray

Honestly though, if such an opportunity presented itself to me, I would first consider it.
My loyalty to this band has been unflinching as I felt everyone was giving 110%. and whats more is, we´re all good mates-I thought.
I have had far better offers, but believed this band could honestly have a decent crack at things too. Songs are good, playing is tight and being on the road was great fun.

If I did decide to leave for something else, I would first sit them all down, talk it out and try to maintain friendships at least.
I would not tell Facebook a week before telling them, then send a group txt, followed by 0 communicaton untill I changed my mind because my better offer fell on its ar*e

Besides its too hot for shoes, its barefoot season
Plus I´m Irish- can´t take sun!, so wouldnt go too far

Edited June 23, 2010 by basshead56

[Mykesbass]

[quote name='basshead56' post='875241' date='Jun 23 2010, 11:48 AM']Anyways, the other guitarist and singer (who are a couple)[/quote]

Surprised no-one else has already jumped in but we are talking Golden Rule Number One being broken here - NEVER have a band with a couple in!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[krispn]

OK so the real issue is that........

A - they sent a group text and didn't tell you personally or tell the 'band' first. You expected more from your friendship and rightly so but we all hve, or had, friends who are dating or in a relationship and as such they tend to share this info among themselves first and in many cases its only their decision to make regardless of the wider picture. Best friends, oldest friends etc often get relegated to the 2nd or 3rd wave of info and unfortunately that now means the net.

The internet and facebook in particular has this bad habit of giving people an immediate forum to release 'big' life changes or news about their lives before its had a chance to sink in and require any thought. So what happens is.. "Would you like a gig abroad in the sun, paid every day and no bills?" turns into a facebook update of OMG we are going to (insert sunny destination here) for a holiday and getting paid to sing too. Bets. Job. Ever!

Most of us would say that an offer like that is too good to be true and in this case it looks like it was but you get given an offer like that and some ppl are all over facebook saying they are playing a summer gig all expenses covered blah blah. If nothing it shows an element of childish impulsivity but we're all guilty of that beit in our words or actions.

B - Your still hanging onto a whole heap of stuff over the last time your friend backed down on a good musical opportunity and once that bad taste comes back its hard to shake. No amount of minty sweeties will shift it.

Clearly you and your mate got over it in the past but if you can't let bad feelings like that go your gonna find yourself with a tumour my friend!

I'm a tumour I'm a tumour..I'm a tumour (Family Guy)

C - She did it before she'll do it again

I play in a couple of bands and one is doing better than the others right now. Its good. The other band our singer is off to S.Africa possibly for a few years maybe only a few months. Good luck to him. We have great songs and it could have turned out ok with the right gigs and a bit of effort...but who knows he might have been a prick on the road, I might have been a prick on the road, the drummer...well you know drummers

You have history with this chick - best mates or not. Hititing the road will only see old problems resurface plus you're already bringing up those bad experiences in light of this last holiday decision.

So in summary

Sit down, behave like adults, hold your tongue be calm and clear, concise even. Don't bitch about the past concentrate on the feelings that came up when you got the group text and then the facebook updates thing- talking about the FEELINGS and not the anger - makes it much more about the relationship and importantly the friendship and not petty sh*te. Im Irish I know we don't do feelings but its the 21st century and we're all europeans so get over it

Keep us posted but you gotta talk it out instead of a rash decision. A decision made after thought and deliberation is a decision one can live with - just look at the for sale ad

Good luck

[El Bajo]

Man if i was offered 3 months holiday for playing live I would take it, but I've been in several failed bands so I never expect anything to last.

The fact they told you by text is no surprise, most people like to avoid confrontation including me, especially if its to people I care about.

If the bands good I reckon a band meeting with a pint is in order to try and get to some kind of understanding on the levels of commitment, and to let them know that your a little peeved of at the way they went about things.

[Gust0o]

Three months isn't a long period of time, in the grand scheme of things. Though it could well [i]feel[/i] a very long period of time if you're stuck doing little.

However, I'm bored of the light side of the force getting all the product. I say rage. Turn to the dark side. If nothing else, it will produce drama.

[fatback]

[quote name='basshead56' post='875241' date='Jun 23 2010, 11:48 AM']A) what my gut says- tell the ungrateful pair of s****s to get F´d[/quote]

+1000

They've broken the deal, whatever the deal was. And they'll do it again.

Couples in a band are a pain in the ass anyhow.

Edited June 23, 2010 by fatback

[flyfisher]

Different people are, er, different.

What seems reasonable behaviour to one person won't seem that way to another. Put such people together in almost any form of collaborative project and there will be disagreements. That's life.

If they want to leave the band, for whatever reason, what is the point in trying to persuade them otherwise? OK, a little chat about how you feel might be in order but ultimately they'll do what they want (assuming they're not under contract) so why get all upset about it?

Let them go and start looking for another band. If you all want to get back together when they return from Crete then fine. If not, then fine. Coercing people to do what they don't want to do never works out in the end anyway.

Life's too short to bottle these things up, so just move on.

[RhysP]

[quote name='basshead56' post='875241' date='Jun 23 2010, 11:48 AM']What is the best course of action?:
A) what my gut says- tell the ungrateful pair of s****s to get F´d[/quote]

Definitely go with your gut feeling.

And don't bother with all this "Life's too short to be holding grudges" bollocks - take it with you to the grave.
Grudges & bitterness make life worth living.

[discreet]

[quote name='RhysP' post='875575' date='Jun 23 2010, 05:04 PM']Grudges & bitterness make life worth living. [/quote]

Absolutely. Didn't do Hitler any harm.

Godwin's Law!

[flyfisher]

See? I said different people were, er, different.

[tino]

[quote name='basshead56' post='875261' date='Jun 23 2010, 12:05 PM']Thats what it feels like to us.
Another reason i am a tad more resentful is that this guitarist and me were in a band about 8 years ago and she became impossible to work with. it ended badly.
Posthumously, the band was offered a fairly good record deal and I do still blame her for it ending before its time in the sun, but its all internalised, festering away as a harmless rage-based mental condition. so no harm there [/quote]
Like Eddie & the HotRods daid

DO ANTHING YOU WANNA DO

That applies to all