4 candles Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 Howdy, A hypathetical question. If your wife(a non musician) gave you an ultimatum. Stop doing your gigs or we will have to part company. what would your answer be? bear in mind you live a very comfortable life with a good lookin girl(who you love dearly) who is also very pleasant and who has enough of her own money as not to drain your resources. any (hypathetical) advice? Would love to hear it also bear in mind "you weren't a musician when I met you" was the conversation starter "but Ive just got better" was the reply Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigAlonBass Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 My Wife said exactly the same. I am now in my second Marriage, and this one accepts that I am a Musician. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kev Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 depends if its my profession or not. If my partner asked me to stop now, i would, but i would probably resesnt her for it. Have to question her motives if she realises how much it means to you though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hutton Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 It's a shame that your wife doesn't appreciate how much your music means to you. Try to explain to her in the most delicate but firm way that gigging is really part of who you are. Hopefully she will come round. If not brother, you've got a big decision to make! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teej Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 She'd have to go. The instant I gave up music a timebomb of dissatisfaction and resentment would start ticking away, and it would only be a matter of time before the relationship exploded anyway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
onehappybunny Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 Like it or not marriage is about compromise I'd try to find a way for it to work, by both giving a little (reduce number of gigs rather than stop altogether etc) Ultimately the wife would win, particularly as we have such wonderful kids That said, in reality she'd be so busy watching "Location, Location, Location" or 'Britain's best left-handed chef" on Sky 12 that she wouldn't notice I was even gone to a gig Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wateroftyne Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 if you have to ask.... Why would she have a problem with it? Thankfully, the lovely Mrs. WoT is a muso, and very understanding. Most of the time she's rather too keen to get me out of the house, in fact. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
urbanx Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 "I'm really going to miss that roar, the jeers, having my ears ringing hours after. The dark smoky, sticky rooms, and the tireless thankless jobs that you take for granted....Darling, I'm going to miss you...." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clarky Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 Mrs Clarky, bless her, is my biggest fan and comes to most of my gigs. Then again we only do about two gigs a month. If it got a lot more than that, it really would start impinging on family time (I've three kids) and I would expect her to voice her disapproval and TBH I would think it fair. IMHO, its all about compromises - both marriage and being in a band - and I think everyone needs to find the middle ground. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
velvetkevorkian Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 [quote name='Kev' post='631760' date='Oct 20 2009, 08:26 PM']depends if its my profession or not. If my partner asked me to stop now, i would, but i would probably resesnt her for it. Have to question her motives if she realises how much it means to you though.[/quote] What he said. Hypothetically speaking, of course... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cat Burrito Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 I love my wife and part of that love is based on the fact we would never but such conditions like that on each other Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete Academy Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 This is the ultimate dilemma, and trust me, I've seen many a great and happy musician terminate their career and hooby because of how the partner feels. It usually goes like this: Musician meets partner. Partner loves the fact that musician plays in a band. Partner brags to mates about this. Partner goes to all the gigs for about the first 3 - 6 months. Partner gets bored of hearing the same songs over and over. Partner clocks that musician has male/female attention at gigs. Partner wonders why musician has to be at gigs so early. Partner wonders why musician needs to rehearse with band. Etc, etc... When we first started Nearly Dan, the backing singer was my girlfriend/wife, so no problem. When we split up, the new girlfriend (after the honeymoon period), started asking why I needed to be at a gig for 6pm when we were onstage at 8pm - 9pm. So, my advice is: If playing has been your lifetime hobby/job for many years, you have to follow your heart. If your partner cannot accept this, then he/she is not for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RhysP Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 I've never been involved with a woman that hasn't, at some stage, deeply resented the amount of time that music takes up in my life. Ironically, in the vast majority of these "relationships" the fact that I was a musician seemed to figure quite highly in the factors that made me attractive to the woman in the first place. They all think going out with someone in a band is dead f***ing cool until they realise how much of your time it takes up. I've quit bands I was happy with in the past because of the sh*t I got from whoever I was involved with at the time, & looking back without exception I wish I'd chosen the band over the woman. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete Academy Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 They all think going out with someone in a band is dead f***ing cool until they realise how much of your time it takes up. Exactly!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bassassin Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 I feel that any relationship in which one partner feels they have a right to make huge, life-changing [u]demands[/u] of the other, is fundamentally broken. If your partner cannot - or will not - accept a fundamental aspect of who & what you are, then that relationship is a sham and you will only ever be dissatisfied and unhappy. Jon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OldGit Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 Hypathetically? Wife 0, Music 10 Sorry wife. Yes, I have been married before and "why do you have to practice at home [i]and[/i] go to rehearsals? Can't you just play the gigs?" was part of the decision. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gareth Hughes Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 To the OP - would you ask your wife to give up something for you? Your answer, in my opinion, should determine whether or not your wife should ask you. I cannot fathom asking someone I love to stop doing something they love. Most, if not all, of us are biased here towards the music as we all hold music dear to our hearts, but in reality it doesn't matter what the passion is - gardening, football, pints...etc - take away something you love and you'll be miserable, and I can't imagine resent not building towards the person who insisted on taking it away. Luckily for me (tho it's still darn tough at times) if I stopped playing music the bills would stop getting paid, so I never have to consider taking gigs over something else. That said, it wasn't the easiest thing to go on tour for 4 weeks solid when my kid was only a month old. Anyone who thinks musicians are lazy bums can blow me. (STEP AWAY FROM THE SOAPBOX......STEP AWAY FROM THE SOAPBOX) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Admiral Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 Mrs A is not well and I'm sitting with her on the sofa (with her under a duvet), and me with the laptop. She's just clocked the question, and pointed out that no female perspective has been offered on this yet. So......... i) There are only so many people in the world that one can be in love with and have the potential to be your soul mate, and if you truly believe this woman is your soul mate, then you should perhaps respect the fact that she is prepared to say that she has a problem, and wants to to talk about it. Rather than just going behind your back and seeking 'comfort' in the arms of another, she obviously believes that you, and your relationship, are worth fighting for. ii) Are you sure that the amount of time, effort, energy, money etc that you are expending on your music is not actually disproportionate? iii) When you first met, it is quite likely that she was the centre of your universe, and now - down the line - she may well be feeling that she has been shunted into a distant orbit. If, for example, you are gigging every Saturday, rehearsing/recording on Sundays, plus 'band stuff' another one or two nights a week, it would be worthh thinking about how that would feel if the shoe was on the other foot, and you were the one sat at home watching the tv with a bottle of wine and a packet of minstrels, or ironing shirts etc. iv) Think forward to being 60, and imagine sitting at home on Christmas morning - alone - looking at your 4 walls and wondering about 'what might have been' with your current girlfriend/partner, and whether any amount of memories of great gigs would make up for that potential feeling of loss and emptiness. How you feel when doing this will put this whole issue into perspective. And my twopennorth : how many times do you convince yourself that you must have that new bass/amp/pedal etc............. only to realise 6 months later, you should have stuck with the one you had (and have now sold), because it was fundamentally just the right bass/amp/pedal for you? It's very easy, IMHO, to get caught up in the moment and make a bad decision - a bit of perspective is what is required. If you harbour no desire or dream of turning pro and/or 'making it' - there are always other bands, but maybe not another girl, who is 'the one' for you. A Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chris_b Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 My wife.... every time. In the past she has asked me to gig less and I did. That was ok, she's worth it! These days I gig a lot and I have her support. Its swings and roundabouts. She's lending me the money to buy a new cab. Like I said... [i]every time[/i]! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EntropicLqd Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 [quote name='4 candles' post='631750' date='Oct 20 2009, 08:19 PM']...If your wife(a non musician) gave you an ultimatum. Stop doing your gigs or we will have to part company. what would your answer be?...[/quote] "What do you hope to achieve by me stopping gigging?" In this hypothetical situation, she's obviously annoyed/unhappy about something. Maybe try to figure out what it is. I bet it's not really got that much to do with the gigs. Luckily for me, my wife loves watching TV; which is something I can't abide. So even if I didn't gig/practice we wouldn't actually spend any more time together than we do at the moment. She'd be watching TV and I'd be playing games on my PC. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Davo-London Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 I cannot possibly express an opinion here because this is the internet and anyone can read this post. My wife is a forensic scientist and she can sniff an incorrect perfume from 10 yds. My life would be in danger if I was to answer. Sorry Davo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blazer3 Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 I"ve only been playing a few months but practice quite a lot and the girlfriends quite happy with that because i dont leave the house, HOWEVER, If i said i had joined a band and needed to practice twice a week then i know she would kick off ( shes that sort of woman ). Personally i would go with the bass because my relationship is a joke anyway, ( seriously ) and its only a matter of time before it burns out anyway. On a good note, at least i have 3 bass guitars to keep me company Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Admiral Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 [quote name='blazer3' post='631893' date='Oct 20 2009, 10:34 PM']I"ve only been playing a few months but practice quite a lot and the girlfriends quite happy with that because i dont leave the house, HOWEVER, If i said i had joined a band and needed to practice twice a week then i know she would kick off ( shes that sort of woman ). Personally i would go with the bass because my relationship is a joke anyway, ( seriously ) and its only a matter of time before it burns out anyway. On a good note, at least i have 3 bass guitars to keep me company [/quote] Err...........Note to self : don't leave permanently signed into Basschat, and remove site from history/favourites. Unless of course this is some Freudian cunning ruse to 'let her go'??? I hope she never finds your post, because if she does, IMHO it's quite likely that even if you don't end up with a broken neck, your basses will!! A Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jakenewmanbass Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 If my wife was saying to me that she wanted me to gig less then she would also be saying I want you to stop paying the mortgage, so it's a moot point really. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whynot Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 I use to do a lot of social club gigs years back and took a girlfriend to see me depping with a dodgy band in Dartford. When she said would I still be doing this when I'm 60 I new it was over. My wife is very supportive and knows what its all about so no issues. The only time I get a vibe is when I gig abroad, and come back with a tan. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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