Most painful performance

[Waddo Soqable]

1 hour ago, Dad3353 said:

 

Alas and alack; I rue the day (well, it was night, actually..) that this burden was laid upon me by The Seeker, cursed to roam the pages of forums (fora..?) to mete out retribution to those defaulting on the use of apostro...

 

Ooo look..! A bee..!

Ooo' look..! A bee..!  ? 🤔

[Jakester]

A couple spring to mind for me.
 

One was driving all the way to Germany for a Forces gig in the Officers’ Mess, setting up, and after the second tune one of the officers sidling over and suggesting we let the DJ take over and to help ourselves to the bar. Still got paid, mind. 

 

The second was a gig with a blues band at at nudist camp in winter. I was playing drums for that one, so made sure to angle all the cymbals to obscure as much of the audience as I could. All the (mostly elderly) fellas were nude, and all the women were not. Even the bar man was in the raw, save for a fetching waistcoat. 
 

The worst bit was the finger buffet though. As we played, watching the fellas lean across the table to reach the plates at the back right meant when we were invited to partake, we politely declined. It was hilarious watching couples on the dance floor. The ladies held the fellas at arms length the whole time, whangs bobbling around while they were all in their evening finery. One of the stranger evenings I’ve had…

[Norris]

We are not really a wedding band but occasionally people insist...

 

We were booked to play at a reception so arrived in good time, set up and waited for the guests to arrive.

...And waited.

...And waited.

For several hours it was just the bride and groom and the maid of honour. We didn't know where to put ourselves. After a bit of phoning round they rustled up a handful of people and we played a set. Obviously there were a few tensions between the families. I felt so sorry for them.

 

Another wedding reception. This time the disco arrived before us and set up a couple of tons of equipment on the stage. Great - we ended up setting up on the floor next to the stage.

That wasn't what made it a memorably bad gig though. No, that was near the end of the night when the groom's brother had a major altercation with his dad and kicked him unconscious. The police kept all of the guests in the room for two hours while they investigated the crime scene. It took us 3 months to get paid for that one too.

 

We don't usually do weddings

[lowdown]

10 hours ago, MichaelDean said:

My car broke down en-route to a gig and I had to wait for rescue.

 

Dad's car broke down in this thread. It seems, one or two would like it towed away.

[stewblack]

59 minutes ago, lowdown said:

 

Dad's car broke down in this thread. It seems, one or two would like it towed away.

DFTT

[MacDaddy]

14 hours ago, Dad3353 said:

 

[ezbass]

22 minutes ago, MacDaddy said:

 

MY EYES! MY EYES! 😳

[Jackroadkill]

49 minutes ago, MacDaddy said:

 

 

Whoever made that is obviously not running from the grammar fuzz, but is petrified of the punctuation rozzers.

[Waddo Soqable]

.... runnin' away from the ol' bill is all part o' the fun.... Innit

[Dan Dare]

I've told this on here previously, so apologies if you've read it before.

 

I used to play the fiddle (still do, butrarely do gigs these days) and frequently played for ceili bands. One Burns night, my band was booked to play at a Burn's Supper in a banqueting hall in London. It was quite a grand occasion - men in DJs and kilts, women in ball gowns.

 

A tradition at the opening of Burns Suppers is that the haggis is carried ceremonially into the hall, accompanied by a bagpiper. It is placed on the top table, the MC will recite Burns's "Address to a Haggis" and then cut into it with his dagger, which signifies the start of dinner itself. The band will often play background music before and during dinner and then play for dancing once the meal is finished. 

 

We were sat on stage, playing, when the bagpiper arrived (we didn't know him. He had been booked by the organisers). He was completely plastered. Pipers on Burns Nights can often clean up - they play at a series of events (they are only needed for a few minutes), accept a dram (or two) and their fee and move on to the next one. Our hero had obviously fulfilled a number of prior engagements.

 

He could still walk in a straight line and play, so he was sent into the hall, followed by the chef carrying the haggis and the MC. The procession arrived at the table, which was on stage on front of the band. They climbed the steps, the chef placed the haggis on the table and the MC stepped forward to read the address. The piper stood to one side and, no doubt due to the quantity of booze he had consumed, lost control of his bowels for a moment. He was wearing his kilt in the traditional manner, so there was nothing to catch the product of his lapse, which plopped onto the stage between his feet. He shifted to one side, stepped on it, slipped and his foot shot up, flinging pieces of it over the diners sitting at the front tables.

 

The band rushed off stage and howled with laughter in the dressing room whilst the cleaning staff hastily did their stuff. The evening did carry on, but it took some time to sort things out.

Edited March 25, 2023 by Dan Dare

[Waddo Soqable]

5 minutes ago, Dan Dare said:

I've told this on here previously, so apologies if you've read it before.

 

I used to play the fiddle (still do, butrarely do gigs these days) and frequently played for ceili bands. One Burns night, my band was booked to play at a Burn's Supper in a banqueting hall in London. It was quite a grand occasion - men in DJs and kilts, women in ball gowns.

 

A tradition at the opening of Burns Suppers is that the haggis is carried ceremonially into the hall, accompanied by a bagpiper. It is placed on the top table, the MC will recite Burns's "Address to a Haggis" and then cut into it with his dagger, which signifies the start of dinner itself. The band will often play background music before and during dinner and then play for dancing once the meal is finished. 

 

We were sat on stage, playing, when the bagpiper arrived (we didn't know him. He had been booked by the organisers). He was completely plastered. Pipers on Burns Nights can often clean up - they play at a series of events (they are only needed for a few minutes), accept a dram (or two) and their fee and move on to the next one. Our hero had obviously fulfilled a number of prior engagements.

 

He could still walk in a straight line and play, so he was sent into the hall, followed by the chef carrying the haggis and the MC. The procession arrived at the table, which was on stage on front of the band. They climbed the steps, the chef placed the haggis on the table and the MC stepped forward to read the address. The piper stood to one side and, no doubt due to the quantity of booze he had consumed, lost control of his bowels for a moment. He was wearing his kilt in the traditional manner, so there was nothing to catch the product of his lapse, which plopped onto the stage between his feet. He shifted to one side, stepped on it, slipped and his foot shot up, flinging pieces of it over the diners sitting at the front tables.

 

The band rushed off stage and howled with laughter in the dressing room whilst the cleaning staff hastily did their stuff. The evening did carry on, but it took some time to sort things out.

Now that is Epic, and astonishing.. 😁

[Steve Browning]

15 hours ago, Waddo Soqable said:

Now that is Epic, and astonishing.. 😁

I thought it was quite moving. 🙂

[Stub Mandrel]

On 25/03/2023 at 17:50, Dan Dare said:

I've told this on here previously, so apologies if you've read it before.

 

I used to play the fiddle (still do, butrarely do gigs these days) and frequently played for ceili bands. One Burns night, my band was booked to play at a Burn's Supper in a banqueting hall in London. It was quite a grand occasion - men in DJs and kilts, women in ball gowns.

 

A tradition at the opening of Burns Suppers is that the haggis is carried ceremonially into the hall, accompanied by a bagpiper. It is placed on the top table, the MC will recite Burns's "Address to a Haggis" and then cut into it with his dagger, which signifies the start of dinner itself. The band will often play background music before and during dinner and then play for dancing once the meal is finished. 

 

We were sat on stage, playing, when the bagpiper arrived (we didn't know him. He had been booked by the organisers). He was completely plastered. Pipers on Burns Nights can often clean up - they play at a series of events (they are only needed for a few minutes), accept a dram (or two) and their fee and move on to the next one. Our hero had obviously fulfilled a number of prior engagements.

 

He could still walk in a straight line and play, so he was sent into the hall, followed by the chef carrying the haggis and the MC. The procession arrived at the table, which was on stage on front of the band. They climbed the steps, the chef placed the haggis on the table and the MC stepped forward to read the address. The piper stood to one side and, no doubt due to the quantity of booze he had consumed, lost control of his bowels for a moment. He was wearing his kilt in the traditional manner, so there was nothing to catch the product of his lapse, which plopped onto the stage between his feet. He shifted to one side, stepped on it, slipped and his foot shot up, flinging pieces of it over the diners sitting at the front tables.

 

The band rushed off stage and howled with laughter in the dressing room whilst the cleaning staff hastily did their stuff. The evening did carry on, but it took some time to sort things out.

 

That would be funnier than Frank's anecdote, except there's a rumour Frank was the piper...

Edited March 27, 2023 by Stub Mandrel

[chris_b]

On 24/03/2023 at 19:13, Smanth said:

I'm watching the Blues Brothers (yet again) and cannot help but cringe at the  poor Donald Duck Dunn having to play with Murph & then Magic Tones!!!

 

I have no recollection how I met up with this lot, but in the mid 70's I was in a band who played working men's clubs around west London, and some Irish clubs. They opened with Spanish Eyes and went down hill from there. The band leader/organist only knew 3 chords and he played them in every song! Every gig was painful, awful and embarrassingly bad. We even had a band uniform, with a bow tie, which Ii still have!! The only upside was very cheap Guinness.

 

Even after all these years, the thought of that band and those gigs is making me feel queezy!

Edited March 28, 2023 by chris_b

[asingardenof]

On 24/03/2023 at 19:13, Smanth said:

I'm watching the Blues Brothers (yet again) and cannot help but cringe at the  poor Donald Duck Dunn having to play with Murph & then Magic Tones!!!

 

What cringeworthy performances have you suffered!?

 

S'manth x

 

 

My first ever gig with some mates from school, and being quite naïve about such things I decided that we were playing one song (I think Cake's version of I Will Survive) too fast, so decided during my solo introduction on the guitar to slow things down to the original tempo. I looked around before the main song kicked in to see the drummer absolutely livid with me mouthing "Speed up you wombler!". Not only that, but I'd been using a mate's Epiphone LP Special to practice (we already had a bass player so I was roped into learning the guitar), but during our soundcheck was told it sounded stinky poo by said mate's dad who was a pro studio engineer, so had to borrow the main band's guitarist's Gibson LP, which was my first experience with block markings on the fretboard and completely threw me so I messed up the solo at the end.

 

More recently I forgot that my current band does a cover of Let Me Entertain You in E (rather than the original F) and so was playing a semitone too high on that song for three gigs before I worked out why I sounded so terrible.

 

Edited March 28, 2023 by asingardenof

[NikNik]

On 24/03/2023 at 19:13, Smanth said:

I'm watching the Blues Brothers (yet again) and cannot help but cringe at the  poor Donald Duck Dunn having to play with Murph & then Magic Tones!!!

 

What cringeworthy performances have you suffered!?

 

S'manth x

Back in the day I played in an 8-piece funk band. However, the core of the unit (myself inlcluded) used to do the workingmen's club circuit to drum up money for recording time. Stuff like A 45 of Foxtrots, etc, a break then an hour or so of standards before the DJ took over. One afternoon we loaded into a Miners' Welfare Club and began to set up. As we were having a quick soundcheck, out of the corner of my eye, near the stage door, I caught a figure with Highland Dress in his arms having a muted discussion with a club convener. Bothj men kept glancing in our direction and the Highland Dress guy appeared animated and annoyed, then swept away to a dressing room. 'Is everything alright?' we asked, 'We haven't been double-booked?' The convener said everything was ok, but his tone betrayed him.

 

It transpired that Highland Dress man was expecting a pick-up band to busk along with his Scottish shortbread-tin tunes and we nixxi'd that right away. So, later we go on and do our usual 45 of dance tunes. As we were winding up and announcing a break, Highland Dress man - in full Highland regalia - swept forth onto the stage and began regaling the audience with tales and a few little a capella tunes, nothing long or major. Then he launched into another tale about Glasgow and as he winds up he turned to us and said  'And with that, Ladies and Gentlemen, I Belong to Glasgow!!! Take it away, boys, in G!!' Myself and the guitarist busked it but the keyboard player and the drummer murdered it!! It was the most cringeworthy performance I witnessed, and I was part of it!

 

Highland Dress left the stage, puce. He could be heard shouting at the convener.

Edited March 28, 2023 by NikNik

[NikNik]

1 hour ago, chris_b said:

 

I have no recollection how I met up with this lot, but in the mid 70's I was in a band who played working men's clubs around west London, and some Irish clubs. They opened with Spanish Eyes and went down hill from there. The band leader/organist only knew 3 chords and he played them in every song! Every gig was painful, awful and embarrassingly bad. We even had a band uniform, with a bow tie, which Ii still have!! The only upside was very cheap Guinness.

 

Even after all these years, the thought of that band and those gigs is making me feel queezy!

That guy sounds like the keyboard player in my tale.

[Dad3353]

Posted previously (2015...), but may well count still...

 

 

[MacDaddy]

I've posted this elsewhere, but the one when the vocalist had spent the previous few days smoking a large bag of weed. Not eating, or attending to personal hygiene or anything, just smoking the weed.

Come the day of the gig, someone had to go get him as he hadn't turned up.

He shambled on stage and instead of singing, he just made squealing and moaning sounds. The very much shortened first set was ended when his mother dragged him off stage, and drove him to a mental health facility.

[Jackroadkill]

I've got a sort of anti-MPP story that piggybacks off another band's misfortune.  I come from a small town in Wales/Whales with a lively but incestuous music scene (stop sniggering at the back!) and once you've played a few gigs you end up playing with pretty much everyone on the scene in the local area by some sort of patchouli-powered musical osmosis.  I'd just formed a jam band, which we christened Rock 'Ard, with my flatmate, Ste, and we had a couple of rehearsals with a view to gigs etc down the line.  Ste also played guitar in another band, Wylfa, with a few of our friends.  Wylfa had a gig in the local pit, known as the Monty, so we all went along to see them.  Long before stage time it became apparent that all was not well, as nobody could find their guitar player, P.  Phonecalls were made, his regular haunts checked.... nothing.  No P. 

 

Two minutes before stage time P arrived, absolutely steaming, wandered onstage and started blundering into everyone's gear, unplugging things etc.  The band hurried onstage and started up.  P just detuned his guitar, gurgled into the mic and generally made an derrière of himself.  Ste tried turning P's amp down, but P was having none of it.  He murdered the first two songs and then carefully put his guitar down and wandered off into the night.  The band struggled through another song and came to a standstill.

 

A hurried conference was had and Wylfa decided that they couldn't do the gig without P, but there was a roomful of punters who were getting good-naturedly rowdier by the minute, so what to do?  Jazz Odyssey not being an option, Ste suggested a set by Rock 'Ard, as all members were in attendance.

 

We only had about five songs, but we played the hell out of them.  "Rock N Roll" lasted about fifteen minutes, as I recall.  Still, it went down well - we actually got paid and some lovely young ladies danced in front of me for the whole set.

 

P was eventually found trouserless behind the recycling bins in the town car park.  He never played a gig again, sadly.

[Chaddy]

Fond tale from my Uncle Tom playing guitar after a gig/practise that has came to mind.

Proceeded to leave the Venue after a Gig/Practise by an upper outside door with a metal set of stairs to the carpark below, as he was walking out with one hand on his pride and joy of a valve guitar amp, The strap on the top snapped and the guitar amp when bouncing down each stair well. Naturally the rest of the band who were his brothers could do nothing but snigger at his unfortunate. Upon retrieving his battered amp at the bottom of the stair well, Tom went to place it in the back of his car which as many will know anything made in 1970's Britain at the time was mostly rust, and when he closed the lid of the boot with all his gear in, the floor gave way.  

 

[NikNik]

21 minutes ago, Chaddy said:

Fond tale from my Uncle Tom playing guitar after a gig/practise that has came to mind.

Proceeded to leave the Venue after a Gig/Practise by an upper outside door with a metal set of stairs to the carpark below, as he was walking out with one hand on his pride and joy of a valve guitar amp, The strap on the top snapped and the guitar amp when bouncing down each stair well. Naturally the rest of the band who were his brothers could do nothing but snigger at his unfortunate. Upon retrieving his battered amp at the bottom of the stair well, Tom went to place it in the back of his car which as many will know anything made in 1970's Britain at the time was mostly rust, and when he closed the lid of the boot with all his gear in, the floor gave way.  

 

British Leyland Morris Marina?

[Crusoe]

On 24/03/2023 at 22:46, Dad3353 said:

 

Alas and alack; I rue the day (well, it was night, actually..) that this burden was laid upon me by The Seeker, cursed to roam the pages of forums (fora..?) to mete out retribution to those defaulting on the use of apostro...

 

Ooo look..! A bee..!

Quick, someone call the ellipsis police! 😄😋

[rOB]

The band- bunch of mates with wildly differing abilities (I was least talented by miles) and varied musical tastes 

The set- versions of mostly rock songs "made funky"

The venue- underneath a pub on what I think was an industrial estate

The gig - a friend of a friend's birthday party?

The drinks - there were many before, during and after the gig.

 

Fun, yes. High quality musical performance? Hmm 

 

Edit- I forgot to mention, I think it was around Christmas so we all dressed as elves.

Edited March 29, 2023 by rOB
Missed a key bit of the story

[Dad3353]

9 minutes ago, rOB said:

... it was around Christmas so we all dressed as elves.

 

... as one does. 

 

...