How do you leave a band quietly ?

[JohnFitzgerald]

Without causing a vacuum.

I'm kinda hacked off with a couple of things right now.
I don't mind the music at all and get on fine with everyone on most levels.

However, one of the guys still has that stupid competitive streak.
I can't talk about another local band without him having to comment about how we're better and they're sh**e etc.

Frankly, I can be doing without all that nonsense.
I'm 45 years of age and in my life right now there is no room for that sort of negativity.
If you can't say something nice, as the saying goes.

I want to leave, but will hang around long enough to make sure there is no break.

I've been with 3 of them continuously since 2001 and one guy in particular since the mid 80s.

Any tips on how to get out and close the door quietly behind you ?

[EssentialTension]

Say you're leaving but say you're willing to honour all booked gigs and any other gigs between now and the most distant in time gig but none after that date - unless they find a replacement before then, in which case you'll go sooner.

They can't ask fairer than that.

[discreet]

[quote name='EssentialTension' timestamp='1320584887' post='1428538']
Say you're leaving but say you're willing to honour all booked gigs and any other gigs between now and the most distant in time gig but none after that date - unless they find a replacement before then, in which case you'll go sooner. They can't ask fairer than that.
[/quote]
This. Couldn't have put it better myself. Didn't actually, so there you go.

[Linus27]

Just say that your not enjoying music at the moment and not getting anything out of it. Something about getting a bit bored with playing music and just fancy some time away, having a break and taking on a new fresh non musical challenge. Plus say that you will honour any booked gigs etc.

[JohnFitzgerald]

Thanks for the input so far.
Can't saying I'm completely leaving music, that would be seen as a transparent lie, they all know me to well for that to come across as genuine.
I should maybe add that I've known one if them since 1970 when we went into P1 at Primary school, So I really must be honest whatever I do.

I'll go quiet on them for a bit and see what transpires.

[gregsguitars]

Just tell them its been fun, but your looking for something else to do and wish them the best of luck, never say anything bad about them to other people and stay friends.

[JohnFitzgerald]

[quote name='gregsguitars' timestamp='1320586668' post='1428569']
Just tell them its been fun, but your looking for something else to do and wish them the best of luck, never say anything bad about them to other people and stay friends.
[/quote]

Sounds like a fair approach Greg.

[icastle]

What's your reason for wanting to leave?

Not being funny, but having a 'competitive band member' doesn't really sound like something worth leaving for on it's own...

[Adrenochrome]

Why not tell the mouthy band member to 'button it'?

[Blademan_98]

Always be nice, especially as you have known them so long.

[Chris2112]

[quote name='EssentialTension' timestamp='1320584887' post='1428538']
Say you're leaving but say you're willing to honour all booked gigs and any other gigs between now and the most distant in time gig but none after that date - unless they find a replacement before then, in which case you'll go sooner.

They can't ask fairer than that.
[/quote]

Indeed. And what a shame it is, to leave a band with someone who you have played with for over 20 years.

[soopercrip]

Honesty? I would guess that the guy with the competetive streak would think youre an @rse for leaving whatever you say and a white lie excuse will only make you feel guilty about it.
I would come clean (at least with the guys that count, I agree with Chris2112) and say that you're more interested in what your band is doing and learning a bit from how other bands perform, good or bad, than slating their performance.

(and wear carpet slippers, they're pretty quiet)
Andy

[JohnFitzgerald]

Maybe by way of further explanation.

I really really don't like the competitive thing. He's competitive against people that do the same circuit as us. Folks that we all know. It's all one big melting pot. Everybody knows everybody else.
Maybe one competitive member doesn't sound like a reason for leaving, but it depends on the severity of it I think.

Give you an example.
Last night me and SWMBO went out to a local theatre where a band were playing. Charity gig in support of a local cance hospice. 300 seater sold out. Great night. I didn't like everything about it, but they did a decent job and most importantly filled a theatre at a tenner a seat to help a very well deserving cause. Last night, that's all that mattered and we all know every one of them.

I happened to take a little bit of video and shared it with the lads, when I got home. Mobile phone footage, that's all.
To a man, they all said, more or less, that is was a fair enough performance, but that doesn't matter. It's about the charity.
Except your man, who can't say anything positive at all and can't see past "they're sh**e. were much better, why are you posting this" sort of response.

I can't get my head around such an attitude.
As I said above, if he can't be positive, my opinion is that he should just wind his neck in and keep it to himself. Like the rest of us would.

I don't know, maybe it's me that has the problem.
All I know is that I don't fit in right now.

Regarding telling anyone to button it. I don't imagine that would have a long term positive effect. Indeed, if that's required, I would rather just go.

I'm possibly just venting my spleen here.

[Monckyman]

I don`t think it wise to get into all the "reasons for leaving"with the band members, because they`ll probably try to talk you out of it with promises of this and that,and arguments may ensue, but in effect nothing will change.
If you want to do something else with other people, just say so. Nothing wrong with that and they should accept that quicker.

Edited November 6, 2011 by Monckyman

[JohnFitzgerald]

[quote name='Monckyman' timestamp='1320589338' post='1428622']
I don`t think it wise to get into all the "reasons for leaving"with the band members, because they`ll probably try to talk you out of it with promises of this and that,and arguments may ensue, but in effect nothing will change.
If you want to do something else with other people, just say so. Nothing wrong with that and they should accept that quicker.
[/quote]

That's the thing.
I would be leaving with nothing to go to.
Not a situation I would choose.
And I agree with not explaining things, doesn't achieve anything.

[Monckyman]

Time for a break then. good enough reason.

[gilmour]

I think honouring any bgigs already booked, but also helping find a replacement is always a good way to part amicably.

[Paul S]

You may possibly find the other band members feel the same. Whichever one it is that you get on best with, meet him one night and explain how you feel. It might be they are all pissed off with Mr Negativity, in which case HE should be the one to go. If not, and they are happy with him, then you have your other options to consider. But worth a try before burning your bridges?

Edited November 6, 2011 by Paul S

[Big_Stu]

I agree with "just get the bugger told". You don't have to explode about it - but having known the others for a long while & being 45 years old you should be able to do it. Just bide your time until the next outburst & say to him "Not everything in life is a competition you know!". Preferably when the others are there & they should back you up - but not to the extent that the bloke feels isolated & flounces.

[Lozz196]

I think both EssentialTension and Monckyman have it nailed here. Following their advice would be the most harmonious way of leaving, and staying friends with all concerned.

I was in a band with someone very much like the Competetive Band Member. It got to a point with me where, although we`d been good mates for years, I couldn`t spend any time with him anymore - and to be honest, won`t even bother nowadays, though I`m always fine when we meet, and we still get on fine. We just don`t keep in touch, or socialise anymore. It`s a shame, I wish I`d put friendship first, but I didn`t. I should have left the band, found another more suitable one, and kept a good mate too.

[Cat Burrito]

Adding to the already good advice, don't bite if people stir it when you've left. Go with dignity and they'll miss you. If you go complaining you could lose friends. I too know what you mean, one bad attitude can drag the whole thing down. Best of luck

[chris_b]

[quote name='JohnFitzgerald' timestamp='1320584474' post='1428527']
....I'm kinda hacked off with a couple of things right now.
I don't mind the music at all and get on fine with everyone on most levels.

However, one of the guys still has that stupid competitive streak.
I can't talk about another local band without him having to comment about how we're better and they're sh**e etc....
[/quote]
[size=4][color=#222222][font=Arial]What else is bugging you? I don't see enough here to warrant leaving. In my experience when people really want to leave they just go! [/font][/color][/size][color=#222222][font=Arial][size=1][/size][/font][/color]
[size=4][color=#222222][font=Arial] [/font][/color][/size][color=#222222][font=Arial][size=1][/size][/font][/color]
[size=4][color=#222222][font=Arial]I'd just tell "stupid guy" to cut out the negative slagging and get on with playing in a band you say you quite like.[/font][/color][/size][color=#222222][font=Arial][size=1][/size][/font][/color]
[size=4][font=Arial] [/font][/size][font=Arial][size=2][/size][/font]

[BottomE]

I think it would be sad for you to have to leave if you are enjoying the music side of the band. I am going with the "have a chat" thing. Maybe outside of the band situation. Go for a curry or a beer and see if you can explain why you think he is acting like a teenager and how it pisses you off. Most bands tend to split over non musical issues and things that might be resolved with a conversation. What you're experiencing is quite common IMHO with bands as they do tend to be bit tribal and by definition, competitive. On the other hand, if you have really had enough and don't think you can be bothered honour the gigs you have booked up to a certain date and doff your cap and leave.

[thisnameistaken]

[quote name='EssentialTension' timestamp='1320584887' post='1428538']Say you're leaving but say you're willing to honour all booked gigs and any other gigs between now and the most distant in time gig but none after that date - unless they find a replacement before then, in which case you'll go sooner.

They can't ask fairer than that.[/quote]

I did this earlier in the year and it worked out OK. I left because I couldn't stand one of them (she was pathetic, cancelling gigs and rehearsals for petty reasons, etc.) but I am still on good terms with the others. We're doing some busking next weekend actually.

[Gust0o]

Take your shoes off, so they won't hear you walk out?

ET and Moncky have it, methinks.