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Quitting a band etiquette

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1 hour ago, Monkey Steve said:

...but sometimes it’s really worth burning that particular bridge

If you're genuinely at that stage, then perhaps you ought to have identified and resolved whatever issues there were; or left (amicably) much sooner? 

I'd not drag things on, if I'm not happy or doing it for the right reasons, I'd switch to doing something else. 

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If the band are nice and friendly and have good intentions then look for a way to end it quickly but without deliberately disrupting them.

The other extreme - If they're a bunch of #^#%#% (rare, but it can happen) and wont listen or change or meet you in the middle, then in all honesty you owe them nothing, dont let yourself get down and carry on for their sake if they wont do anything for you.

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Revenge can easily backfire. If you plan to let them down at the last minute, what do you gain by doing that? If you think they are aholes don't stoop to being one yourself. Stabbing the band in the back could make you look bad when you're not. Be the adult in the room and understand that when you are working with amateurs, especially in bands, stupid stuff happens.

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13 minutes ago, chris_b said:

Revenge can easily backfire. If you plan to let them down at the last minute, what do you gain by doing that? If you think they are aholes don't stoop to being one yourself. Stabbing the band in the back could make you look bad when you're not. Be the adult in the room and understand that when you are working with amateurs, especially in bands, stupid stuff happens.

I'm not suggesting letting anyone down last minute.

What I'm saying is dont feel obliged to carry on for months in a situation that can drag you down or make you ill. (I've seen it happen).

If you have made your points why you are unhappy and/or suggestions to improve and they completely ignore you or dont even attempt to rectify anything, then why should you go out of your way when they wont move an inch for you?

Being the adult, is putting your points across, or listening to others points and respecting them and doing what you can to help everyone.

If people Ignore or mock you when you tell them things your'e unhappy with, they dont deserve your continued effort.

Edited by la bam
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I had to leave a band that I had been in for many years and really loved... I was moving away to a different uni.  I put off telling the guys for weeks and weeks... and then one day when I was alone with the drummer I spit it out.  The drummer then broke the news to everyone else. 

It was still far enough in advance that I could continue to play shows and help train my replacement.  But after I left they went through bass player after bass player.  Must have been 4-5 of them in the span of about two years.  Eventually they all split up and went their own ways.

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12 minutes ago, la bam said:

I'm not suggesting letting anyone down last minute.

My comments were more directed at some of the guys advising you.

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I left a band a while back.. didn't really want to stop playing the music, and got on really well with the folks, but was too busy with the first priority and hated the occasional need to let them down.

I had a few conversations with the BL, saying if he found a regular bassist I'd happily be on his dep roster. Months down the line he contacted me later on a Friday night asking if I really meant it.. 'grab him' says I.

Everyone is happy and still on fine terms, in fact I ended up depping for the new guy on his first gig!

I suppose if you never intend seeing the folks again you could play it differently, but as said above a burned bridge might turn out to have teeth with which to come back and bite you!

In fact, same band, a previous bassist had just not got on with the BL, but rather than being the grownup and saying 'look, guys, it's just not working for me' he emailed the rest of the band, telling them what a dangerous nutter said BL was. Obviously he'd missed the fact they were all best mates and they just showed him the emails! 😄

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In my quitting experiences, it's nearly always been the primary songwriter's out-of-control ego that's precipitated the collapse of the bands in question.

i) They sacked the "lead" guitarist, who was a lovely, unassuming and really talented guy. He really could play. This caused a lot of ill-feeling so he was axed. I attended one disastrous rehearsal afterwards and resigned by e-mail with no gigs booked. Things got worse when the described behaviour resulted in the the drummer and new bassist going.

ii) At a charity gig, our de facto band-leader was a complete derrière about us not being prominent enough on the flyers/posters. The drummer and I were appalled at how he ripped into the organisers despite us telling him not to. We conspired to leave in unison after the said charity gig. After the gig, we apologised for his behaviour to the organisers while he was there and quit there and then. The band folded and is no more.

I've been fired a couple of times in favour of more "malleable" and younger bassists, and a couple of bands collapsed when members emigrated..

I'd try to resign without anything in the calendar and no other commitments. Every time.

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Personally, I’ve quit bands with 3 months or more notice, simply because my reason for leaving has usually been that I’ve just gotten bored with a particular band, and not for reasons like falling out with anyone. It’s common courtesy really. 
The exception was with my last band, who cut me out of a number of gigs at a certain venue because they wanted “more money”. Their keyboard player is a talented guy, and was able to cover bass parts. 
I quit on the spot, with four days until the next gig. 

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On 14/12/2019 at 00:07, paul_c2 said:

If you're genuinely at that stage, then perhaps you ought to have identified and resolved whatever issues there were; or left (amicably) much sooner? 

I'd not drag things on, if I'm not happy or doing it for the right reasons, I'd switch to doing something else. 

it's a nice theory, and hindsight is a wonderful thing, but you know what, sometimes it's really satisfying to tell somebody who's been behaving like an utter c#nt exactly why you think that they are an utter c#nt 

My biggest regret in all my years of playing in bands is quitting one of them amicably rather than telling the offending band member exactly what i thought of him.  He understood that he was the problem, but I missed the opportunity to really spit my dummy out at him.  Damn the high ground...

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47 minutes ago, Grassie said:

The exception was with my last band, who cut me out of a number of gigs at a certain venue because they wanted “more money”. Their keyboard player is a talented guy, and was able to cover bass parts. 
I quit on the spot, with four days until the next gig. 

I understand that point of view. If the band is playing those kind of tricks, just go as soon as you find out.

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On 13/12/2019 at 15:57, Newfoundfreedom said:

Quitting band etiquette.

Shout "fx#@ you guys. I'm done" at the top of your voice, then stomp to the door and slam it as loudly as possible behind you. 

Come back five minutes later and spend an awkward half an hour sheepishly packing up your gear whilst trying not to make eye contact with anybody. 

And from personal experience of pretty much exactly this, make sure you have an Ampeg 810 that you can't shift on your own, so you have to ask for a lift with... Worst. Flounce. Ever. 

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I don't have a standard method for leaving bands. It all depends on how ill they make me feel. 

I certainly don't worry about what gigs may or may not be coming up - deps are many and very easy to find. 

If I have to leave but like and respect the guys, I might help - suggest a good dep, even sound one out for them. 

I won't burn bridges with good people but some of the utter time wasting dangleberries I've put up with in the past just get a goodbye and good luck. 

Life is way too short to sit in endless rehearsals with people you will never relate to musically or personally. 

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16 minutes ago, Muzz said:

And from personal experience of pretty much exactly this, make sure you have an Ampeg 810 that you can't shift on your own, so you have to ask for a lift with... Worst. Flounce. Ever. 

Oh God. 🤦🏼‍♂️

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Its easy, you say " I hate you all and always have. Now fu*k off before I feed you to the pigs"  Job done.

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4 hours ago, Monkey Steve said:

it's a nice theory, and hindsight is a wonderful thing, but you know what, sometimes it's really satisfying to tell somebody who's been behaving like an utter c#nt exactly why you think that they are an utter c#nt 

My biggest regret in all my years of playing in bands is quitting one of them amicably rather than telling the offending band member exactly what i thought of him.  He understood that he was the problem, but I missed the opportunity to really spit my dummy out at him.  Damn the high ground...

Fair enough! There's always two sides to a story after all. I can only relate to my own personal experience(s).

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4 hours ago, Muzz said:

And from personal experience of pretty much exactly this, make sure you have an Ampeg 810 that you can't shift on your own, so you have to ask for a lift with... Worst. Flounce. Ever. 

yep...I held back from this specifically because I'm a non-driver and having quit would have needed a lift back from the rehearsal studio by the guitarist who was the root of the problem.  Bit my tongue on the night, quit by e-mail a couple of days later (actually, even then, I was provoked into doing it, so just had to reply to an e-mail)

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I've quit once or twice. I've always told the band in person at a rehearsal when they're all there. I always offered to stay until any gigs booked in the next couple of months were out of the way or until they found a replacement. Whichever was soonest. It went a bit wrong the first time when the band in question didn't find a replacement (and hadn't looked very hard) and booked an extra gig after the deadline expired. "But you're not really leaving are you? We haven't fallen out so we thought you were staying." So I made sure I emphasised the deadline a bit more forcibly next time.

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Parting company with bands is my forté;

 

Would you believe that I've actually joined and left 9 separate bands this weekend alone?..

Believe me when I say; joining and leaving bands builds character and improves your overall musicianship!!


As a veteran in letting others down, I find the best way to get what you want is by manipulating others to get it for you and have them believe that it was their decision to do so....

In the case of wanting to leave a band I would never “quit" as this would be admitting defeat! Instead, I might simply break-out into 7 minute long improvisational jazz bass solos during each song of the set or insist on using an effects pedal train of phasers, wahs, envelope filters, fuzz and delays to recreate classic children's nursery rhymes and Ed Sheeran songs.

In addition to this I might critique the other band members playing techniques and insist that the singer gets singing lessons and that the drummer play Djembe...


The above methods are fool-proof (believe me) and will get desired results within days if not hours!!

 

 

 


For good measure you might consider turning up to shows like this........

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Screenshot_20191217-064029.png

(Please note: dressing like this will have no effect if you perform in a mariachi band)

Edited by Ted Theodore Logan, III
because he is a fountain of knowledge
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I think the action on that might need a tweak; I can see his tie through the gap...

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