Is it time to leave my band?

[Beer of the Bass]

I have been having mixed feelings about one of my bands lately (the first link in my signature) and I'm trying to decide if I may end up leaving when we get together to talk to each other about it. I've played in the band for several years; we've had some really enjoyable gigs and recorded some things I'm quite pleased with. It's an amateur concern, as while some gigs are paid, when all band activities are taken into account we break even or less.
I also play in two other projects, one of which gigs very rarely and the other of which can occasionally be busy though it's quite sporadic. When asked about my availability for gigs, I will confirm the earliest offer for a given date without giving priority to any one band, so short notice gigs (less than a fortnight ahead) are sometimes turned down.
This summer I've had limited availability as my Father-in-Law had a prolonged period of illness and passed away last month and we've had to travel up and down from Scotland to England a number of times to care for him and my Mother-in-Law and to sort things out after his death. I had to cancel a couple of gigs at short notice the week he died, but what else can you do?
The band keep accepting gigs when I have told them I'm not available and playing them without bass, which for our particular lineup isn't going to work very well. I have told the band that I'm uncomfortable with this as I don't feel that going out like that represents us very well and I would prefer to feel like a core part of the band rather than an optional add-on. If anything I would rather they used a dep rather than going out bass-less. Two members of the band have responded to this by saying how disappointed they were in my limited availability recently and that they thought I must be losing interest, and this is when when I've already made my family situation quite clear to them.
We have already disagreed a few times recently over which gigs we should accept, as our singer believes we need to say yes to everything in order to "make it". I have no concept of trying to "make it" and just want to play gigs which I enjoy.
We haven't worked on any new material in over a year and it appears that my priorities are not the same as the rest of the band. I'm fond of this band, so it's a difficult choice to make. Looking at this description, what do people reckon?

Edited September 15, 2014 by Beer of the Bass

[miles'tone]

Sounds like it's time to move on to me.
You've all got to be on the same page for it to work, and as you're not, it sounds like it will develop into a real energy zapping headache as time goes on.
I also think they are being pretty selfish to not be understanding about the difficult family time you've been through.

Best of luck with everything.

Edited September 15, 2014 by miles'tone

[mrtcat]

Firstly I'm sorry to hear about your family issues. Having been through similar I know it's a tough time.

The band sound a bit nuts. Yes it's very frustrating when someone in your band has limited availability but if their reasons are genuine then you just have to suck it up. Going out without bass is just stupid. A dep whilst you had a sustained period of unavailability would have been sensible.

That said, if your ongoing availability is going to be limited then you should leave. They clearly want to gig lots and it sounds like you have other commitments that will continue to cause problems. I don't know which projects you were involved with 1st but we recently sacked a drummer that joined another band and it started to impact on how often we could play.

best of luck

[Guest FretNoMore]

+1 on the posts above.

Edited September 15, 2014 by FretNoMore

[Bassman Steve]

The attitude of the two who are complaining would be plenty enough for me to walk. If you're not enjoying it then that provides another very valid reason to leave.

[Phil Starr]

Sorry about your Father in Law. That's tough for your family.

Playing Devil's Advocate here but why do you need to leave now, if this band are friends, they are happy to play with or without you and you haven't had to learn anything new for a while then there isn't a big commitment other than getting together to play the odd gig. It's kind of like you are the dep isn't it? When there is a gig you go and play with a few mates. If they want 'commitment' and to 'make it' then they need to have a much more professional attitude and to get themselves much more organised, and that means never going out with someone missing and playing less than the bands best and accepting gigs the band as a whole can't make.

Would you be happy if they found another bassist or even if you shared it with a regular dep? How would you feel if they found another bass player?

I think your other bands sound a bit flaky too if what you really enjoy is just regular gigging. Though playing with a number of bands is a lot of fun.

Sounds like you need to think about what you really want first of all. I played in two bands with friends until recently and the problem is that we all had different reasons for playing and because we were friends didn't really resolve issues, it was more about friendship than music. About 8 months ago I joined a new band (all strangers) because we all wanted the same thing, It's been a revelation, practices are more purposeful, there's plenty of debate about what we want to do but little argument and we constantly push forwards. It's actually friendlier than the friends band. We get really good audience reactions and the gigs are rolling in.

I'd say look at what you actually want to do with your music and re jig your commitments, start looking for a band that can share what you want out of music. If you are fond of the old band then gently let them know what you want, perhaps once you have found something. Play any gigs you have accepted of course and it is then up to you if you offer to play any gigs that come up with the old band, since it is not a big commitment. In my case I am still playing with one of my friends bands and so far there has been no conflict of interest.

I suppose I am saying you don't have to make a dramatic 'I'm quitting' statement. Think about what you want and talk it through if you decide you need a change. Hope it works out. Good luck.

[Conan]

[quote name='Beer of the Bass' timestamp='1410742367' post='2552681'] what do people reckon?
[/quote]

Focus whole-heartedly on what is most important to you at the present. If that is your family - then the band is just going to have to accept that. If they make a fuss, then they are not the kind of people you want to be spending your free time with IMO.

Best wishes to you and your family. It's s tough time

[steve-bbb]

[quote name='Beer of the Bass' timestamp='1410742367' post='2552681']
I have been having mixed feelings about one of my bands lately (the first link in my signature) and I'm trying to decide if I may end up leaving when we get together to talk to each other about it. I've played in the band for several years; we've had some really enjoyable gigs and recorded some things I'm quite pleased with. It's an amateur concern, as while some gigs are paid, when all band activities are taken into account we break even or less.
I also play in two other projects, one of which gigs very rarely and the other of which can occasionally be busy though it's quite sporadic. When asked about my availability for gigs, I will confirm the earliest offer for a given date without giving priority to any one band, so short notice gigs (less than a fortnight ahead) are sometimes turned down.
This summer I've had limited availability as my Father-in-Law had a prolonged period of illness and passed away last month and we've had to travel up and down from Scotland to England a number of times to care for him and my Mother-in-Law and to sort things out after his death. I had to cancel a couple of gigs at short notice the week he died, but what else can you do?
The band keep accepting gigs when I have told them I'm not available and playing them without bass, which for our particular lineup isn't going to work very well. I have told the band that I'm uncomfortable with this as I don't feel that going out like that represents us very well and I would prefer to feel like a core part of the band rather than an optional add-on. If anything I would rather they used a dep rather than going out bass-less. Two members of the band have responded to this by saying how disappointed they were in my limited availability recently and that they thought I must be losing interest, and this is when when I've already made my family situation quite clear to them.
We have already disagreed a few times recently over which gigs we should accept, as our singer believes we need to say yes to everything in order to "make it". I have no concept of trying to "make it" and just want to play gigs which I enjoy.
We haven't worked on any new material in over a year and it appears that my priorities are not the same as the rest of the band. I'm fond of this band, so it's a difficult choice to make. Looking at this description, what do people reckon?
[/quote]

extremley unreasonable of them given that you explained your family circumstances and if they are not prepared to accept that there are some things in life that take priority over bands and gigs then fully agree with everybody else in that its time to find/start a new band

as for your singers comments about making it ... im firmly of the mindset that if you dont have anything positive to say then its often best to say nothing, so i wil politely decline to comment

good luck with the new band

[discreet]

If any band thought so little of my contribution that they were happy to play without me then I'd be off like a shot. It boils my piss that the bass - in my opinion a fundamental and essential element in so many different types of music - can be regarded as an optional extra by 'musicians' who think that what they do is so much more important. So given that, and the fact they're not exactly being sympathetic to your non-band situation, I'd blow them right out.

And while I'm on, the whole attitude towards 'making it' is a mindset held by delusional fantasists. Anyone who plays in a band and imagines they are going to 'make it', will almost certainly fail. You may get a little relative success if you're lucky, and that for a very short time, but in my opinion if you're in a band you do it because it's something you enjoy. It [i]is[/i] possible to make a living at it, but it's hard work and can be soul-destroying - just like any other job.

[CamdenRob]

[quote name='discreet' timestamp='1410769890' post='2552772']
If any band thought so little of my contribution that they were happy to play without me then I'd be off like a shot. It boils my piss that the bass - in my opinion a fundamental and essential element in so many different types of music - can be regarded as an optional extra by 'musicians' who think that what they do is so much more important.
[/quote]

I find it surprising just how prevalent this attitude is... I too would never be a part of something where my contribution was regarded as optional.

I do think some of it stems from the widely held opinion that bass is for failed guitarists...

[discreet]

[quote name='CamdenRob' timestamp='1410770787' post='2552783']
I do think some of it stems from the widely held opinion that bass is for failed guitarists...
[/quote]

Yes, and that from guitarists who themselves have failed!

[CamdenRob]

[quote name='discreet' timestamp='1410771014' post='2552788']
Yes, and that from guitarists who themselves have failed!
[/quote]

indeed... in fact the number of failed guitarists out there playing bass badly probably contributes to the consensus that bass isn't really that important...

[JTUK]

If it isn't working, it isn't working. You don't seem on the same page.
I'd say this is the situation, this is what I can and will do and if that doesn't work
then I have to leave.

Edited September 15, 2014 by JTUK

[flyfisher]

I agree with pretty much all of the above . . . . from the OP's perspective. But what about from the band's perspective? They are obviously able to get gigs and are keen to do them, and keen enough to do them without a bassist. They probably understand the OP's position and are sympathetic but 'the show must go on' and that's what they are trying to do. They haven't just gone out and got a new bassist and seem to be leaving the door open, but they also have ambitions of 'making it' that OP doesn't necessarily share.

Sounds to me that recent events have highlighted some fundamental incompatibilities within the band - hardly an unheard of situation - and that the inevitable unravelling has started to occur. Options include a formal 'I quit / you're fired’ confrontation or a gradual drifting apart and fading away.

[SubsonicSimpleton]

If being in the band is a net positive then stay, if not leave. Don't expect the other members to adjust their agenda to take into account your personal situation.

In no particular order;

- Creative outlet
- Social aspects
- Challenging yourself
- Getting paid
- Time & energy expenditure
- Fun factor

These are my rough criteria, that I use to assess whether or not I want to get involved in any sort of project - I have a limited amount of time and energy, so if the advantages don't outweigh the drawbacks I would rather invest the time and energy I do have available elsewhere. I won't offer an opinion on what you should do, as my personal circumstances have changed over the years and also changed my perspective on what is most important for the wellbeing of myself and my loved ones.

[Clarky]

[quote name='Beer of the Bass' timestamp='1410742367' post='2552681'] my priorities are not the same as the rest of the band [/quote]

Seems to me that this is the key quote in your OP. It is always sad when things start drifting apart but it sounds like you already know what needs to be done and - if you let it linger - the decision may well be taken away from you ... which would be even more upsetting

[inthedoghouse]

For me, once the nagging doubts start and you spend a lot of time thinking about it it's time to leave before the rot well and truly sets in. It's happened to me once or twice and I've stayed longer than I felt was right (for me).

The band hasn't worked on any new material for so long, there is disagreement over what gigs to accept and some are expressing disappointment over your availability. Sounds to me like the band is in something of a limbo state anyway.

It depends on what your singer means by 'make it'. But whatever, family commitments always come first imo.

Good luck and let us know what you do

[UglyDog]

[quote name='steve-bbb' timestamp='1410766831' post='2552746']
extremley unreasonable of them given that you explained your family circumstances and if they are not prepared to accept that there are some things in life that take priority over bands and gigs then fully agree with everybody else in that its time to find/start a new band
[/quote]This and...
[quote name='discreet' timestamp='1410769890' post='2552772']
If any band thought so little of my contribution that they were happy to play without me then I'd be off like a shot. It boils my piss that the bass - in my opinion a fundamental and essential element in so many different types of music - can be regarded as an optional extra by 'musicians' who think that what they do is so much more important. So given that, and the fact they're not exactly being sympathetic to your non-band situation, I'd blow them right out.[/quote]...this.
In other words -- those boots are made for walking, and that's just what they should do. Mine would IIWM. I agree with Phil Starr that a dramatic flounce is not called for, just a quiet "we obviously have different priorities, so I wish you all the best".

Edited September 15, 2014 by UglyDog

[Beer of the Bass]

Cheers guys. There are more responses here than I expected, almost too many to respond to individually but there are some good points there.
We had a solid couple of years where the gigs were really fun and we seemed to gather a bit of a following. I don't think that we're still at that point, as the gigs are drying up a little (one of the reasons the singer is keen to take every offer) and we're not rehearsing very often.
The singer gives the impression that she wants the band to be the main thing in her life, and I don't feel that I'm in a position to do that or that the band is actually ready for that. Had we jumped on it and gigged more widely a year or two back when things seemed to click a little better perhaps we might have been able to take it to that next stage, but we didn't. I do wonder if there's an element of denial over whether we've missed the boat there.
I'm about 6-8 years older than the rest of the band and I've watched friends get signed to labels, slog round rubbish venues staying in travelodges or on floors and end up in the same position they started in except distinctly jaded and frazzled round the edges. It seems like the ones who are happier have just continued to do their own idiosyncratic thing on the local scene to whatever niche following is around whilst carrying on with a relatively normal life. So that's the model I want to pursue, and happily that's more or less how my other projects operate.
It's difficult as the singer and the guitarist (who are a couple) are people I knew before we put the band together so whatever I do I need to keep it amicable. They got together at about the same time I met my wife and we've spent a lot of time together. I think I might suggest that they look for a new bassist, but agree to play out the remaining gigs we have booked and see how that goes down...

[Leslie77s]

I would leave if I were you. You have my sympathies with the difficult family situation you have endured. My band has always been a source of fun, support and distraction as we all have suffered bereavements and difficulties through our time together so perhaps I have been lucky. They are also very understanding with my crazy shift patterns and haven't brought in a Dep yet.
Anyway, as this is a bass forum, can it be a band without bass???
Cut and run my man and I'm sure fortune will favour you. I really hope that personal problems are now behind you and you find some joy in new endeavours!!

L

[6v6]

Time to go IMO - anyone who doesn't understand that family comes first and gives the sort of unsympathetic attitude you describe is not worth wasting time with.

Edit: also my sympathies, and I hope you get it worked out in a way that's acceptable to you

Edited September 15, 2014 by 6v6

[UglyDog]

[quote name='Leslie77s' timestamp='1410776702' post='2552881']
Anyway, as this is a bass forum, can it be a band without bass???
[/quote]No, it can't.
And anyone who mentions White Stripes will be smeared in honey and pegged out over an ants' nest.

[RAY AGAINST THE MACHINE]

Haven't read all. The thread yet. Really sorry about your family situation ..
I would have expected more sympathy , than nasty comments.thatsthe trouble with bands.
People as well. Just when you think you know them...
Move on from that band IMHO

[Beer of the Bass]

I've sent a few facebook messages back and forth with the other three of the band now. They have the idea that we must accept gigs wherever possible no matter whether the whole band can make it. Although our few paid gigs make us less than minimum wage and many don't even cover expenses, the singer and guitarist seem quite convinced that this is professionalism. My idea of professionalism for the type of gigs we do is presenting a good quality, consistent sound at every gig and not accepting gigs unless we can do that. As the sole driver in the band, I often end up putting much more work into gigs than the rest of the band and I need each gig to feel worthwhile. The fact that we've been grinding out the same set for more than a year doesn't help with that either. I've asked everybody if we can meet up for a chat. Wish me luck!

[discreet]

Good luck!

Just out of interest, how do they do gigs without you if none of them drive?