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Status Updates posted by MacDaddy
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I'm starting a flight company exclusively for bald people.
It's called Receding Airlines.
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I'm just sitting here wondering how I never noticed there is a Turd in Saturday...
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I went to the Doctor's because I keep painting myself gold.
He said not to worry, I just have a gilt complex.
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Computer: choose a password
Me: hi-hat
Computer: password can not contain symbols
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I asked a lady out for a drink, she said how about 8 tomorrow?
No, I said, that's too many.
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If alcohol can damage your short term memory, just think what alcohol can do.
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Just found out that a dentist near me has been arrested for selling drugs. Shows you how wrong you can be about people. I had been going to him for over 10 years. Never knew he was a dentist.
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Why is that book so thick?
It's a long story...
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I'm thinking of killing off some characters in the book I'm writing.
It'll certainly spice up my autobiography...
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I asked my North Korean friend what it was like living there. She said 'I can't complain '.
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I thought about having a Bucks Fizz this Boxing Day morn, but I'm having trouble making my mind up...
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Most people are quite shocked I'm not a qualified electrician.
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I just called the paranoia hotline.
A guy answered "how the hell did you get this number‽".
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My happiest childhood memory is building sandcastles with my grandfather.
Until my mother took the urn away from me.
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Terrible night. Dreamt something bit me on the neck. Got up to check but the mirror wasn't working.
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The inventor of velcro recently died. RIP.
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My therapist told me "write letters to the people you hate and then burn them".
Did that, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.
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BREAKING NEWS: Medics have rushed into the I’m a Celeb camp after Matt Hancock was stung by a scorpion. The venomous, creepy creature known for causing pain and death is said to be moaning about his sore finger.
No update on the health of the scorpion though...
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I entered a fancy dress competition yesterday dressed as a giraffe.
I didn't win, but at least I can hold my head up high...