ern500evo Posted March 17, 2012 Share Posted March 17, 2012 I've been asked to play at a wake on Thursday afternoon. It's for our singer/guitarist's ex partner, the mother of his daughter. She was in her early 40's but had been really ill for sometime so it's more a case of "she's free from pain now" than "tragically and suddenly taken" (if that makes sense). Anyway, we did an acoustic thing at the wake of a very close friend of ours in November and a lot of the same people will be there, so I assumed they wanted the same thing. Turns out they want the full on electric set as, in their words, "Deb loved her live music". Now I don't mind doing that, but will some guests find it disrespectful that we go launching into our rock covers set at a wake? Sorry if it's a bit long winded but I'm a bit torn on this one! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
icastle Posted March 17, 2012 Share Posted March 17, 2012 [quote name='ern500evo' timestamp='1331989010' post='1581770'] Now I don't mind doing that, but will some guests find it disrespectful that we go launching into our rock covers set at a wake? [/quote] Yes without a doubt. Death still retains some very traditional attitudes and a rock band playing at a wake is going to upset some people. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ern500evo Posted March 17, 2012 Author Share Posted March 17, 2012 Yes that's what is worrying me tbh. It's the immediate family of the deceased (her mother, brother and sister) who've asked us to do it, and some of her friends have been in touch saying stuff like "Oh Deb would love that, you guys playing at her wake", but I'm still not convinced. As you said, people with more traditional values are gonna find it all just disrespectful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EdwardHimself Posted March 17, 2012 Share Posted March 17, 2012 Just say it is what the family want and what she would have wanted. No-one can argue with that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Len_derby Posted March 17, 2012 Share Posted March 17, 2012 I've done a few wakes, mostly through my connection with church bands. In my experience they are a bit like weddings - whatever you do, someone will be offended. My suggestion is that you bear in mind that you're doing it in the memory of the departed and at the express wishes of his/her family. Make sure everyone knows this. If there's to be an MC or speaker(s) get them to say that. If there isn't, make the announcement yourselves. Stay focused, think about what you wear. Good luck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theplumber Posted March 17, 2012 Share Posted March 17, 2012 Maybe some sort of memorial gig in her memory at a later date would be better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ern500evo Posted March 17, 2012 Author Share Posted March 17, 2012 I think our singer has probably already agreed as he has close connections to the family, so if we don't do it as a band he'll do it on his own. I've said I'll do it with him as I wouldn't envy anyone having to get up on their own and perform at a wake. I'm just trying to convince him that even if all four of us are available, doing it acoustic would probably be a better idea. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
icastle Posted March 17, 2012 Share Posted March 17, 2012 [quote name='theplumber' timestamp='1331990359' post='1581795'] Maybe some sort of memorial gig in her memory at a later date would be better. [/quote] +1 Was just thinking that myself. It'd give the traditionalists a chance to say their 'goodbyes' in a more traditional manner. Go for an outdoor gig in the middle of summer, rope in a couple of other bands and make it a real party and you'll probably get all the traditionalists 'on side' and loving it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
icastle Posted March 17, 2012 Share Posted March 17, 2012 [quote name='EdwardHimself' timestamp='1331990146' post='1581787'] Just say it is what the family want and what she would have wanted. No-one can argue with that. [/quote] They can and they will. Common sense goes out of the window when bereavement is concerned. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pietruszka Posted March 17, 2012 Share Posted March 17, 2012 I've played a wake or 2 before, I know how you feel. It's a strange one, and I the immediate family have asked you to do it, do so! A my dad's wake we put his iPod on, and in the middle of it all some German lessons came on, people found it rather funny. I honestly wouldn't worry about it, yes some people may get offended but it's what the deceased wants and thats the basis on which you're doing it. Dan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
essexbasscat Posted March 17, 2012 Share Posted March 17, 2012 Played a wake two years ago, in a pub on the evening of the funeral. It was what the family wanted and far enough removed from the location of the funeral to be respectful. It was clearly explained to everyone that a 60's band would be playing that evening and everyone seemed to enjoy it. However, there was a facepalm moment during the first set when the band leader started off 'When I'm dead and gone' in the usual place in the set. I asked him "Are you Sure"? when he started and he said YES, CARRY ON ! I asked him at the break why he started that song, given the occasion. His reply = Oh No ! (GROAN) Classic Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ern500evo Posted March 17, 2012 Author Share Posted March 17, 2012 Just spoke to other guitarist and it looks like we're gonna do it, but we both agreed that maybe an acoustic first set would be the best way to go, let them have some time to exchange stories etc. Then once they've had a few sherries we'll announce that at the family's request we're going to do a few of Deb's favourite songs, and do some of our normal electric set. Fingers crossed they'll appreciate that it was the family's wishes, and not just think we're a disrespectful bunch of heathens!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
phatkat Posted March 17, 2012 Share Posted March 17, 2012 (edited) If the deceaseds partner and mother are cool with this, who else has grounds to complain, I understand you dont want to be upsetting people but to be honest if everyone there is fully aware that a rock band is playing then no one has grounds to complain. Go and play, celebrate a life, and give the deceased a good send off! Oh and ... [url="http://basschat.co.uk/user/8383-essexbasscat/"]essexbasscat[/url] you have just given me another idea for a suitable song for my funeral. G... Edited March 17, 2012 by phatkat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EdwardHimself Posted March 17, 2012 Share Posted March 17, 2012 [quote name='icastle' timestamp='1331992402' post='1581843'] They can and they will. Common sense goes out of the window when bereavement is concerned. [/quote] Well it sounds pretty selfish to me. Everyone dies and I think the most respectful thing you can do is to honour the deceased's wishes for their funeral. If there are people there that don't like it, sounds as if they didn't know this person very well anyway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Schoen Posted March 17, 2012 Share Posted March 17, 2012 A friend of mine died of cancer two years ago. He had picked the music for his wake himself, some songs from a Dutch surf punk band. Definitely not the kind of music that you would expect at a wake, but when the first song blasted through the speakers everybody who was there smiled because they knew: that was what Peter loved. Play what and how the deceased and her family want you to play, don't make any concessions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
phatkat Posted March 17, 2012 Share Posted March 17, 2012 [quote name='EdwardHimself' timestamp='1331998817' post='1581944'] Well it sounds pretty selfish to me. Everyone dies and I think the most respectful thing you can do is to honour the deceased's wishes for their funeral. If there are people there that don't like it, sounds as if they didn't know this person very well anyway. [/quote] With you on that 100% Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wateroftyne Posted March 17, 2012 Share Posted March 17, 2012 I've played Knockin' On Heaven's Door and Psycho Killer at the wake of a biker who died in a crash once. It felt utterly weird, but the next-of-kin wanted us to, so... we did. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flyfisher Posted March 17, 2012 Share Posted March 17, 2012 Have never played a wake but have played at a 'farewell' party for someone who had terminal cancer. I didn't know the person concerned, though she was known to others in the band, which is why we were asked to play. Almost unbearable when one of her daughters (11/12?) sang 'You're Beautiful" to her. This was on a saturday and she died the following Thursday, which astonished me as she didn't seem that ill on the night. Putting on a real brave effort perhaps? Anyway, I thought at the time that it wasn't the sort of thing I'd like for myself, but the family were clearly very happy and appreciative that we played and, in this case, the person concerned wanted it so, frankly, I don't think anyone else's opinion mattered. So, to answer the OP's question, playing at the wake may well upset some people but if the close family have all requested it then I'd go ahead. The wake is really for their benefit after all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
icastle Posted March 17, 2012 Share Posted March 17, 2012 [quote name='EdwardHimself' timestamp='1331998817' post='1581944'] Well it sounds pretty selfish to me. Everyone dies and I think the most respectful thing you can do is to honour the deceased's wishes for their funeral. If there are people there that don't like it, sounds as if they didn't know this person very well anyway. [/quote] Funerals raise the lid on all sorts of emotions, superstitions, fears about one's own mortality and a whole pile of other emotions that cloud people's judgment. It's always happened and always will. I'm not judging whether it's a good thing to do or not, just pointing out the probable outcome that some people won't like it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pietruszka Posted March 17, 2012 Share Posted March 17, 2012 [quote name='ern500evo' timestamp='1331998071' post='1581926'] Just spoke to other guitarist and it looks like we're gonna do it, but we both agreed that maybe an acoustic first set would be the best way to go, let them have some time to exchange stories etc. Then once they've had a few sherries we'll announce that at the family's request we're going to do a few of Deb's favourite songs, and do some of our normal electric set. Fingers crossed they'll appreciate that it was the family's wishes, and not just think we're a disrespectful bunch of heathens!! [/quote] Sounds perfect, especially if it makes you comfortable with doing it. I'd would be over the moon for that kind of send off. Dan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ern500evo Posted March 17, 2012 Author Share Posted March 17, 2012 Thanks for the input guys, much appreciated. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gust0o Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 Might have missed this elsewhere in the thread, but could people not close to her name her favourite songs? This would help with the set list, and allow you to position the songs out to the audience - you can explain a little about why she liked each one, if people know. Might go a little more smoothly that way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dmccombe7 Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 (edited) Take into consideration older relatives who simply don't like or understand rock music but would like to pay their respects in the traditional manner. They may not have been in regular contact with the person but blood is thicker than water and all families tend to show their respects when it comes down to it. Like the idea of acoustic set to start and explanation of why its being done this way and request for proper rock set later. That gives people time to pay respects and leave before it gets too loud or heavy for them. Sounds like you've given it enough thought to make it work though so all the very best. Don't envy you on this at all and not sure i personally could play at it - I'm a bit of an emotional git so this would be hard to pull off for me. Dave Edited March 18, 2012 by dmccombe7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve-bbb Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 [quote name='ern500evo' timestamp='1331989908' post='1581784'] Yes that's what is worrying me tbh. It's the immediate family of the deceased (her mother, brother and sister) who've asked us to do it, and some of her friends have been in touch saying stuff like "Oh Deb would love that, you guys playing at her wake", but I'm still not convinced. As you said, people with more traditional values are gonna find it all just disrespectful. [/quote] agree with some fo the previous posts - if her close family and friends who knew her well say this is what she would have liked then it seems a bit of a no brainer to be honest if the more distant family and friends are having their traditional values upset then im sure the more astute of them will possibly have a change of heart and mind when they see all those who were close to her actually enjoyiong themselves and supporting it appropriately there is al;ways the possibility that there may be that insignificant minority who is professionally shocked but from what youve already said i think they will be seriously outnumbered hope it goes well and send them all our regards from BC Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thepurpleblob Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 I've never been to a funeral without somebody somewhere being offended about something. It's just the emotion of the event coming out. Speak to the familiy, explain your concerns openly but at the end of the day do what they ask. When I drop dead the miserablists can piss off... I expect to be sent off with a big party not some religious mumbling. If that offends some people then good. But that's just me of course Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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