IMO quieter is better, but most bands are too loud. I'm too loud, but I play loudly in loud bands and the venue's hardly ever tell us we're "too loud", so what do I know.
I spent years trying to rein in noisy guitarists and drummers and failed. I was like the idiots that drive in the fast lane at the exact speed limit. I gave up that "them and me" sh*t and joined the party.
My ear plugs are protecting me from any further damage so I just get on with playing in the band. Last Saturday's cover band was very loud and next Friday's Americana band will be very quiet. I love the variety.
As a bass payer I get more favourable comments on my playing than I did when they couldn't hear me. The bands usually get rebooked, so the conclusion I draw is that a good sounding band is better than a bad sounding band band. . . at any volume.