Breaking up is never easy

[Dan Dare]

18 hours ago, Lozz196 said:

In an old band we had something similar, though a much diluted version of your experience, an old mate who was something of a whizz on lead guitar joined our band. He didn`t have a suitable guitar, an amp or transport, so guess who ended up providing all, yes me. He didn`t even set the gear up, when we got to gigs or rehearsals.

 

A major problem with playing in bands can be that those with the most ability do not always possess sterling personal qualities (probably because their talent has granted them a pass throughout their lives). So you end up torn between the fact that they make the band sound good but can be a PITA to work with.

Edited August 24, 2023 by Dan Dare

[T-Bay]

8 minutes ago, Dan Dare said:

 

A major problem with playing in bands can be that those with the most ability do not always possess sterling personal qualities (probably because their talent has granted them a pass throughout their lives). So you end up torn between the fact that they make the band sound good but can be a PITA to work with.

If you look at a lot of the longest lived bands there is often one genius and a few easy going people who realise they are on to a good thing. Most of those bands where you get multiple talents seem to self destruct sooner or later.

[markbunney]

In my last band, I was struggling to make a couple of the dates, and the dep they had used previously was no longer available. So it turned out over a period of several months they recruited someone else behind my back, rehearsed him to gig standard and then gave him all the gigs (including the ones that I was available & scheduled for).

 

I had been in the band for almost 20 years and was so angry that I left when I found out.

 

Karma had it that a few months later the guy that they brought in left as well, and they haven't had a permanent bass player since.

[TimR]

2 hours ago, T-Bay said:

If you look at a lot of the longest lived bands there is often one genius and a few easy going people who realise they are on to a good thing. Most of those bands where you get multiple talents seem to self destruct sooner or later.

 

I suspect that's survivorship bias. Doesn't matter how good you are, if you don't turn up to rehearsals sober and ready to play or even not turn up at all, you'll lose the gig. Even the most patient of bandmates realise this eventually.

 

No one is going to continue to pay out for rehearsal rooms that are abandoned 30mins into a session because of a no show. 

 

I've played with some guitarists who were very limited in musical knowledge and ability, but they practiced and they turned up and I knew they'd be able to reproduce that at gigs. 

[Dan Dare]

3 hours ago, T-Bay said:

If you look at a lot of the longest lived bands there is often one genius and a few easy going people who realise they are on to a good thing.

 

That's fair enough if you are involved in something that earns you a good living. You can usually tolerate a poo sandwich if it comes with plenty of bread. However, the reality is more as follows for us ordinary mortals.

 

59 minutes ago, TimR said:

I suspect that's survivorship bias. Doesn't matter how good you are, if you don't turn up to rehearsals sober and ready to play or even not turn up at all, you'll lose the gig. Even the most patient of bandmates realise this eventually.

 

No one is going to continue to pay out for rehearsal rooms that are abandoned 30mins into a session because of a no show. 

 

Edited August 24, 2023 by Dan Dare

[diskwave]

Depped last summer for one outdoor gig in a band I'd played with before but hadn't seen them for four years. They seemed pleased to see me again and rehearsals went well and the gig was a non event. The vid play back, I sounded pretty good, maybe over played a bit but hey.....and (I'm old but move around a lot too, smiling...I find it easy, but hey)

Anyway played the last song, everyone gradually said thanks during the breakdown but the singer kinda avoided me and just wandered off with the two female bk vox. No "cheers for helping us out X..nice playing etc, grt to see you again, must do this again etc"...None of it. Beats me, maybe he got a call or something. Just a bit weird.

[MacDaddy]

12 minutes ago, greavesbass said:

Depped last summer for one outdoor gig in a band I'd played with before but hadn't seen them for four years. They seemed pleased to see me again and rehearsals went well and the gig was a non event. The vid play back, I sounded pretty good, maybe over played a bit but hey.....and (I'm old but move around a lot too, smiling...I find it easy, but hey)

Anyway played the last song, everyone gradually said thanks during the breakdown but the singer kinda avoided me and just wandered off with the two female bk vox. No "cheers for helping us out X..nice playing etc, grt to see you again, must do this again etc"...None of it. Beats me, maybe he got a call or something. Just a bit weird.

 

Possibly, but it depends on what he was wondering off to do with the two female backing vox...

[TimR]

@greavesbass what were the circumstances of you leaving and why were you covering bass.

 

I know one band I left were struggling to find a bass player for a big gig but one of the members refused to ask me to cover. Giving the reason that their setlist had changed and I'd have to learn all the songs. 😆

I'm not sure what any other bass player would have had to do. People can hold a grudge over nothing for a long time without vocalising it. 

[jrixn1]

One from today's news:  "He allegedly punched William Thomas, a bass, because he left the podium in the wrong direction"  😬

[Jackroadkill]

Way back in my youth I left a band by climbing out of the toilet window and running away.  I know it sounds odd, pathetic or both, but that's what happened.  I'd formed the band with a guitarist "friend" and we recruited a drummer and bass player / singer (well, he was a guitarist but everyone knows that if you can play guitar you can play bass, right?) and got some songs together, played some gigs, recorded some material etc etc.  It was all good fun and I really enjoyed it.  Then the "friend" began touting us to labels and one or two of them showed some interest, albeit in a very initial sense.  That was it - the flavour of the band changed and the "friend" and the bass player started demanding that we wrote more commercial songs and that each song we wrote had to be a potential single etc etc.  It went from a fun band playing some cool alternative rock to a job playing horrid, anodyne, radio-friendly dreck, and despite my protests they were firm that this is what we were doing, and that was that.  So, I ran away after climbing through the bog window, and when I left I took all my gear (not only my guitars, but the bass and amp that the singer used, the PA etc etc) and that was the end of my time in that band.  They continued for about another year with a few line-up changes but didn't get anywhere.  The real kicker for me was that we'd recorded an EP of four songs, three of which I'd written, and when it was released, post-bog window, the only credit I got on it was "additional studio guitars", and they'd turned my guitar parts down anyway, the buggers.

 

The "friend" ended up buggering off back to Canada after having stolen, embezzled, defrauded and unpaid a small fortune.

Edited August 24, 2023 by Jackroadkill

[LowB_FTW]

3 minutes ago, Jackroadkill said:

Way back in my youth I left a band by climbing out of the toilet window and running away. . 

 

4 minutes ago, Jackroadkill said:

, and when I left I took all my gear (not only my guitars, but the bass and amp that the singer used, the PA etc etc) and that was the end of my time in that band. 

That must've been some size window! 😳

 

6 minutes ago, Jackroadkill said:

 I know it sounds odd, pathetic or both, but that's what happened. 

It sounds funny 😂

You gotta do what you gotta do. No judgement.

 

Mark

[Jackroadkill]

4 minutes ago, LowB_FTW said:

 

It sounds funny 😂

You gotta do what you gotta do. No judgement.

 

Mark

 

Yeah, in hindsight it was funny, although at the time I felt like I'd been royally had.

[Waddo Soqable]

17 minutes ago, Jackroadkill said:

Way back in my youth I left a band by climbing out of the toilet window and running away.  

That's absolutely Epic...top, top quality "resignation"  🤣

[Jackroadkill]

9 minutes ago, Waddo Soqable said:

That's absolutely Epic...top, top quality "resignation"  🤣

 

I like to think that was my musical pinnacle.  I've not managed to top it yet.

[diskwave]

11 hours ago, MacDaddy said:

 

Possibly, but it depends on what he was wondering off to do with the two female backing vox...

Haha...should have said one was his daughter the other her friend. But I've known him for years on and off, real friendly guy....There you go.

[diskwave]

19 hours ago, TimR said:

@greavesbass what were the circumstances of you leaving and why were you covering bass.

The dep was to cover for his bassist who was on holiday.  I left to pursue drums which I'd packed in years ago..It was perfectly amicable, in fact they tried to hang on to me.

So at rehearsals he was hugely welcoming and chatty. However he and his wife go back a long way with my recent long term ex and I turned up at gig with my new woman in tow...Maybe it finally dawned on him that he felt some weird conflict....

 

 

Edited August 25, 2023 by greavesbass

[Steve Browning]

12 hours ago, greavesbass said:

Depped last summer for one outdoor gig in a band I'd played with before but hadn't seen them for four years. They seemed pleased to see me again and rehearsals went well and the gig was a non event. The vid play back, I sounded pretty good, maybe over played a bit but hey.....and (I'm old but move around a lot too, smiling...I find it easy, but hey)

Anyway played the last song, everyone gradually said thanks during the breakdown but the singer kinda avoided me and just wandered off with the two female bk vox. No "cheers for helping us out X..nice playing etc, grt to see you again, must do this again etc"...None of it. Beats me, maybe he got a call or something. Just a bit weird.

 

Maybe his missus was ovulating?

[DCS222]

My worst was unloading my brother, he wasn’t progressing as a guitarist as the rest of the (admittedly green) band were, he couldn’t commit to gigs for months on end because of his full time job. 
We had a gig for my other brother (house warming/big birthday thing) who lives next door to my parents. So we (rest of the band) thought it would be a good place to end things, mistakenly as it turns out, but a quiet word was had by me afterwards! Where I was thinking that he would be in a place of support, and would understand that our gigs couldn’t be booked because of his work, and that was too much for a developing band to shoulder… He did a huge flounce and the rest of the family turned against me, quite nasty really! 
Being fair, my reading of the best place to do things was off… And I’ve apologised about that… But his reading of the band dynamics was off, and realistically should have stepped aside months previously.

 Though we are civil again, I lost the friendship of both brothers and to some degree my parents… was it worth it for a ”pub” band??? I guess it doesn’t matter… It’s already happened 😬

[TimR]

In that situation, as has said earlier, try not let things build to the point where someone is dropped from a height. 

 

 A few friendly reminders when their absence is preventing the band from playing. Continually saying, it's fine, there's no problem, doesn't make anything easy for anyone in the long run. 

 

Suggesting to him that you may be better getting a dep in to cover his absences might have helped. 

[Dan Dare]

1 hour ago, DCS222 said:

My worst was unloading my brother, he wasn’t progressing as a guitarist as the rest of the (admittedly green) band were, he couldn’t commit to gigs for months on end because of his full time job. 
We had a gig for my other brother (house warming/big birthday thing) who lives next door to my parents. So we (rest of the band) thought it would be a good place to end things, mistakenly as it turns out, but a quiet word was had by me afterwards! Where I was thinking that he would be in a place of support, and would understand that our gigs couldn’t be booked because of his work, and that was too much for a developing band to shoulder… He did a huge flounce and the rest of the family turned against me, quite nasty really! 
Being fair, my reading of the best place to do things was off… And I’ve apologised about that… But his reading of the band dynamics was off, and realistically should have stepped aside months previously.

 Though we are civil again, I lost the friendship of both brothers and to some degree my parents… was it worth it for a ”pub” band??? I guess it doesn’t matter… It’s already happened 😬

 

A classic illustration of why you should never play in bands with relatives or partners. Too much spill-over into your personal life if you fall out.

[Barking Spiders]

17 hours ago, Jackroadkill said:

Way back in my youth I left a band by climbing out of the toilet window and running away. 

Reminds me of a nightmare date I had when I was around 19. I'd taken this girl for a day out in London, thinking we'd be spoilt for choice for things to do. Anyway to every question of mine such as 'shall we go to the Madame Tussauds/London Dungeon....whatever' I got the same answer. 'I don't miiiiiind, whatever you liiiiiike'. Imagine this being said in quite a whiny, miserable voice, repeated ad nauseam. Later on in the day I opted we go to the movies in Leicester Square. So we did. Around half way through the film I needed a wazz so told her where I was going. On coming out of the toilets I peeked through the door into the theatre and the next thing I knew I was hightailing it to the tube station. I briefly stopped to ponder whether running away was the gentlemanly thing to do, decided 'f3ck it' and went on my merry way. So, running away is a good and well recommended solution to many problems and you shouldn't feel bad about it 🙃. I wonder if the Chinese or Japanese  have made a martial art of it?