Don't know what to do.

[garethfriend]

I am currently in the last months of an engineering doctorate and have a thesis to submit in march, after this I am lined up for a permanent position at the company where I am currently based (and in fact am already doing the job part time in addition to my full time project work). I play in two originals bands, one regularly and the other very infrequently.

My problem as you might be guessing at this point is that I'm now beginning to feel the squeeze on my time. Obviously the thesis and career have to come first. It's not something you do half-arsed.

The infrequent band is going to have to go, that's unquestionable, the gigs are too short notice and the workload too high on me to learn stuff given the circumstances. My main band is the big question mark. While I think they would understand I doubt they would wait for me. I only need a 6 month breather really - do what I gotta do - but it's coming at a time when we are rebounding from bad times and gearing up to release a load of stuff and get gigging again. I kind of feel like I'd be sabotaging all the hard work we have put in.

I could probably manage to balance this lot (although it would not be easy) if I didn't have another problem, I suffer from depression. Left unchecked it causes problems at home, in work and for the band. I possibly should have got help years ago but I've managed it quite successfully through diet and exercise (which is one of the things they tell you to do anyway right?). Now I could give up cycling for 6 months and keep everyone happy but I'm kinda in uncharted waters with my mental health then. Last time it resurfaced badly was when I got injured and was off the bike for 6 months and that was pretty bad, I don't want to go back there any time soon. I could balls everything up if I go off the rails now, equally it could be a big non-event and the distraction of thesis writing might keep it at bay.

I am also concious that if I were to ask the band for some time off (as they don't know about the depression) it would appear I am slacking it off to go ride bikes.

I think I'm going to have to bring it up with the band soon so I am going to have to make a decision fairly quickly, even as I type this I am thinking to myself "people have walked away from far bigger bands for far less valid reasons - there's no shame". Maybe I take a risk and ease off on the fitness and find a way of coping that consumes less time temporarily.

Anyway in absence of anyone else I can really discuss this with I thought I'd see what opinions / advice you helpful folk have. Should I take a massive load off my shoulders and quit or take a break, or try and keep everyone happy and risk biting off more than I can chew?

[icastle]

Whatever you do you'll never keep everyone happy and the number one priority has to be making sure you're OK.
Fail at that and you'll be left holding nothing.

It really depends on how organised you can be with your time, but have you considered getting an exercise bike that you can just jump on when you feel the need to exercise but can't afford the time?

A friend of mine has a sort of frame thing that holds her bikes rear wheel off the floor (it sits on some sort of adjustable roller thing) so she can exercise any time day or night when her diary gets overloaded.
No adaption of the bike needed, she just drops it into the frame and flicks a couple of clip things.

Her reason for exercising is the same as yours.

HTH

[noelk27]

[quote name='icastle' timestamp='1344299639' post='1762585']A friend of mine has a sort of frame thing that holds her bikes rear wheel off the floor (it sits on some sort of adjustable roller thing) so she can exercise any time day or night when her diary gets overloaded.
No adaption of the bike needed, she just drops it into the frame and flicks a couple of clip things.[/quote]
Turbo trainer

[Bilbo]

You would be surprised what you can do when you are focussed. I researched and wrote my 200,000+ word book whilst holding down a full time job and gigging (and moderating on here and on another Probation-based website). You may find that the buzz of getting these things done will cover any reduction in exercise (personally, the only exercise I get is pushing 50) and contribute to the management of your depression. Music can take up a lot of time but, if it is appropriately managed (and not a free for all or someone's 'drop everything when I say so' culture). You may have to margianally manage someone's expectations at peak periods but this is normal prioritising. Sell the telly and stay away from 'time thieves' on the internet (use it for working not 'browsing' or basschatting!!)!!

[bremen]

Riding a bike is what keeps my black dog under control too.

I like Bilbo's advice.

[Adrenochrome]

DON'T give up the bike, whatever you do. The positive effects of cycling are huge.
Due to time pressures I had to give up a very successful band and just stick to one band. A difficult decision as I was the founder member and had been playing with them 7 years but it was the right thing to do for all concerned. I'm depping for them next month so not all bad.

Edited August 7, 2012 by Adrenochrome

[dmccombe7]

Also agree with Bilbo.
Is reducing your cycling time an option and balance it against other "hobbies".
Your studies and job must come first if you want to have the best chance of success in your main career if that is your main career.

Band remains a hobby and like all good hobbies you fit in around your responsibilities.

I have reduced my motorbike days to play in my current band. I found the focus of the band and learning 2-3 songs every week greatly reduced work stress by a long shot. That was an unexpected bonus and like Bilbo says Music could focus your mind if approached correctly and aid in management of your depression.

Could you map your time and see where you are spending it and from there look at how you can adjust each item to a more suitable balanced workload.

Like the "stay away from the telly" that does waste a lot of time especially if you are into sport at the moment.

Hope it works out ok for you.

Dave

[xilddx]

You haven't said how often you gig or rehearse, and if much travelling is involved. However, I am/was in a similar situation to you. I don't suffer with depression as seriously as you do, but I do suffer, and also with anxiety. I graduated recently after two years of study for a degree equivalent diploma for my job as a safety adviser, at the same time as having a demanding full time job, and holding down bass and guitar duties in four bands, three of them professional but not gigging too often, and one unsigned but quite busy for me with rehearsing, gigging, writing and recording. I also have an equivalent to your cycling, I love cooking from fresh ingredients almost every day, and I go freshwater fishing quite often, both of which keep me sane. Add to that the time I spend on this bloody forum and various other domestic stuff and it sounds (even to me) like my life is mmmMental! But I manage fine, and we have no kids to look after (except four cats).

It can be done, if you're organised and don't allow it to overwhelm you. If you find it getting stressful and you start to panic, get your diary well organised, write it all down in a calendar, it's never as bad as it sounds or looks, just make sure you get your downtime, it's essential, just a day to look forward to on your own doing what you want can feel like a week in Bermuda, and nearly as restorative.

Best of luck mate.

[Commando Jack]

If your cycling is what is keeping you from depression, then I would give it the most priority, as it is the treatment for your condition. Obviously your days don't need to be constantly cycling every hour of every day, but if you need it then away you go. You've found something that works for you so I would keep it up.

Apart from that, the important thing is to realise that you can get through these 7 or 8 months. A Thesis is usually built up to be a big monstrosity of a requirement at the end of your doctoral training that looks like a very high mountain to climb. In reality, it's pretty doable, and while it takes a good deal of effort, it's something that you handle.

I don't know how well you know your bandmates (in the main band) but if they approach mate/friend territory, then you might find a lot of support from them. It might be hard to tell them about your depression, but I think it's only fair that you at least talk over some of your stuff with them. My band mates stood by me and supported me, although it was only after I finished my Thesis and the pressure was off me that my drummer turned around to be and said "you were a miserable b$%£"£d!". I was grateful that he was still around to say it though.

Edited August 7, 2012 by Commando Jack

[sarah thomas]

+1 to talking it over with your main band. It's often (if not always) the things that are most difficult to say which really need saying. The truth will set you free. I've found this to be true again and again and again, so that now I am a total gobsh*te. People will see that you are doing your best to deal with the problems you have and, if they are worth their salt, they will respect you for that.

[BassTractor]

The one thing that scares me about your situation is the pressure on your biking.

Here's my experience with stuff like that:
When I was doing alright, I was active from 7 to 23 o' clock, most often starting the day with a good paddling, and opening the shop afterwards. Sadly not everyone can decide over their time like that, but the point is I was active all day and having a blast at the same time. Though my music suffered badly during that period.
Quitting my daily paddling because of job pressure is what did me in, and I'm now heavily depressed and unable to attend my business well, and must concentrate on just regaining my health. Long story short: this thing has also cost me my wife and my house.

My take, of course: whatever you do, [b]do not compromise as to your biking[/b].
Biking will more likely give you the joy and the energy you need to be able to manage the rest of your day, including the band.

Best of luck!
bert

[garethfriend]

Thanks for all the advice guys, good to know I'm not the only one who has gone through stuff like this.

On the commitment front we are now gearing up for gigging whilst at the same time are in the studio a lot, starting next month it will be sunday practice for 3 - 4hrs and wednesday night studio for 2 - 3 hrs (1.5hr round trip), in addition to that I need to actually work out bass parts for a few new tracks so there's a bit of home practice and the gigs as and when too. I tend to get out on the bike on a saturday for most of the day, sunday afternoons too if I can get away with it (get away from practice on time and don't have the Mrs hassling me to do something), I used to ride weeknight evenings but have had to cut that back almost completely due to work pressures. That said I have just discovered some relatively local routes which would be easier to do a quick evening loop round without having to travel very far so that would be a more efficient way to get the miles in.

I could cut out a few time traps which will help but I think as things pick up at work I'm just going to be ending up being in the office during usual tv/internet hours anyway which is more what concerns me.

Last night I had a fairly pessimistic outlook on the whole situation, today I'm very much more "f*** it, could be worse, best get on with it"

I think I'm going to have the discussion with the band and let them know the score, I think I'll plan to carry on as normal and manage my time as best as possible but make sure they know I'll have to prioritise my health and let them know why. They are very much in the mates/bandmates category so hopefully they will understand.

To be fair two of them had kids recently and practice got patchy, my thesis is effectively my baby so I don't think it would be wrong to expect some of the same understanding. Not like I can do anything about the fact the timing conflicts with band objectives is there?

[dmccombe7]

If your thesis is to help in providing your main income then i would put the effort into it. For a few mths the band should accept that people have other responsibilies that will come and go and need to be addressed. Most band members will have a sympathetic ear and as you say recent babies will draw on their time quite a bit so a compromise from all of the band might be easier than you think.
Guess its down to talking it over with the guys in the band.

I'm hoping it goes well but its not the end of the world if it doesn't. There are always plenty of bands out there.

Cheers
Dave

[BottomE]

You have a lot of good stuff going on in your life. Bands, fitness, studying, good job etc. Sounds great. I have done a lot of studying and believe me, its not like having a new baby. You can put a book down.

Thing is you have choice. Choice between some good things. Clear communication is always the best way. Just be honest with your band mates. I know i always appreciate it when people are straight up.

Good luck with whatever you do.

[LukeFRC]

Yourself (including physical mental health)
Family
Friends and social health
Uni/work (at times this may move up one in intense times)
Fun things like music
Things you have to do like music
...
...
what other people think of me

That would be my priority. I'm currently writing up my masters dissertation. Really put effort into that and give up other stuff like the bands- it's not worth you suffering in either studies or health because you don't want to upset some band mates.
Keep cycling (I hear growing sideburns helps too) cos it sounds fun and help you. focus on what matters- which at this stage is your writing....
talking of which- I'm turning basschat off now and getting back to my own!

[lowdowner]

A lot of very good advice here.

Cycling - or any physical activity that you enjoy - is worth its weight in gold, and to be honest is probably *the* most important thing in keeping you sane, happy, and fulfilled. When you're physically challenged and fit, many other issues are easier to deal with. What comes next depends on your own personal thoughts and feelings. At the end of the day, if you are healthy, and have family and friends who care for you, and who you care for most other things become less important. It may not seem that way now, but believe me it's true.

Unfortunately most of us realise this late in life - but it *is* true.

Good luck and remember that health, and the love of family and friends, is really all that matters.

[lowdowner]

[b] And to quote Tolstoy, who had happiness pretty much wrapped up, but only just before he died(!)...[/b]

[b] "I have lived through much, and now I think I have found what is needed for happiness. A quiet secluded life in the country, with the possibility of being useful to people to whom it is easy to do good, and who are not accustomed to have it done to them; then work which one hopes may be of some use; then rest, nature, books, music, love for one’s neighbor — such is my idea of happiness. And then, on top of all that, you for a mate, and children perhaps. — What more can the heart of a man desire?"[/b]

The details may be slightly different for all of us, but you get the gist of what he means...