HELP! What should we do?

[risingson]

This has happened to our band as well. Doesn't it seem telling about their level of commitment? Get rid of them is probably the short and tall of it. 3 months is a long time in a band.

[270degrees]

[quote name='RhysP' post='875575' date='Jun 23 2010, 05:04 PM']Grudges & bitterness make life worth living. [/quote]

And provide inspiration for great songs!!

[tom1946]

A.

[dumelow]

i think youre overreacting a little bit. if the band is as special as you say it is, then wait the three months, practice, do some acoustic slots with someone, keep yourself busy and get back to it when they return from ther hols, our keys player was in california for almost 2 months when this ash cloud was about, didnt break us up, didnt even feel like hed been gone by the time we had practice again

on the other hand, if it isnt worth it, just wish them luck and do something else

[ThomBassmonkey]

Unless you have anything urgent coming up in the months until they're back (any releases/big tours) I don't see why you flipped out at them for going. 3 months isn't a long time, if it brings back experiences and a renewed excitement for the band fair enough, if everyone gets back and someone decides that they don't want to continue, at least it's been given a chance rather than written off just because they want to go away.

Though the way they said they wouldn't go at practice then texted you later was cowardly.

[basshead56]

[quote name='discreet' post='875288' date='Jun 23 2010, 12:30 PM']This.[/quote]

As ever, we agree on something, besides puns!
[quote name='Sarah5string' post='875314' date='Jun 23 2010, 12:52 PM']Difficult as I can see it from both sides of the fence....

Maybe have an open honest chat with them about you concerns re the comments etc and go from there?[/quote]

Just done all that.
It went ok, but they´ve pushed everything back on me on the drummer "If you guys want to keep going, we will" sort of thing.
We said we´d think about it... but we both know we´re out.
[quote name='lemmywinks' post='875316' date='Jun 23 2010, 12:55 PM']Roughly translated this means - "Guys, our gig abroad has fallen through and now we have no band, we'd just like to pick up where things have left off and never mention it again if that's ok?"[/quote]

That´s what we figured, despte swift and strong denials
[quote name='krispn' post='875483' date='Jun 23 2010, 03:00 PM']OK so the real issue is that........

A - they sent a group text and didn't tell you personally or tell the 'band' first. You expected more from your friendship and rightly so but we all hve, or had, friends who are dating or in a relationship and as such they tend to share this info among themselves first and in many cases its only their decision to make regardless of the wider picture. Best friends, oldest friends etc often get relegated to the 2nd or 3rd wave of info and unfortunately that now means the net.

The internet and facebook in particular has this bad habit of giving people an immediate forum to release 'big' life changes or news about their lives before its had a chance to sink in and require any thought. So what happens is.. "Would you like a gig abroad in the sun, paid every day and no bills?" turns into a facebook update of OMG we are going to (insert sunny destination here) for a holiday and getting paid to sing too. Bets. Job. Ever!

Most of us would say that an offer like that is too good to be true and in this case it looks like it was but you get given an offer like that and some ppl are all over facebook saying they are playing a summer gig all expenses covered blah blah. If nothing it shows an element of childish impulsivity but we're all guilty of that beit in our words or actions.

B - Your still hanging onto a whole heap of stuff over the last time your friend backed down on a good musical opportunity and once that bad taste comes back its hard to shake. No amount of minty sweeties will shift it.

Clearly you and your mate got over it in the past but if you can't let bad feelings like that go your gonna find yourself with a tumour my friend!

I'm a tumour I'm a tumour..I'm a tumour (Family Guy)

C - She did it before she'll do it again

I play in a couple of bands and one is doing better than the others right now. Its good. The other band our singer is off to S.Africa possibly for a few years maybe only a few months. Good luck to him. We have great songs and it could have turned out ok with the right gigs and a bit of effort...but who knows he might have been a prick on the road, I might have been a prick on the road, the drummer...well you know drummers

You have history with this chick - best mates or not. Hititing the road will only see old problems resurface plus you're already bringing up those bad experiences in light of this last holiday decision.

So in summary

Sit down, behave like adults, hold your tongue be calm and clear, concise even. Don't bitch about the past concentrate on the feelings that came up when you got the group text and then the facebook updates thing- talking about the FEELINGS and not the anger - makes it much more about the relationship and importantly the friendship and not petty sh*te. Im Irish I know we don't do feelings but its the 21st century and we're all europeans so get over it

Keep us posted but you gotta talk it out instead of a rash decision. A decision made after thought and deliberation is a decision one can live with - just look at the for sale ad

Good luck[/quote]

Definately agree with most of ths to be honest. Another Pro-Euro Irishman? AND a bass player? surely not?!
[quote name='RhysP' post='875575' date='Jun 23 2010, 05:04 PM']Definitely go with your gut feeling.

And don't bother with all this "Life's too short to be holding grudges" bollocks - take it with you to the grave.
Grudges & bitterness make life worth living. [/quote]

As evil and ghoulish as i am in real life and my other bands, don´t think I have it in me to become a complete Sith-head about things

[quote name='tino' post='875684' date='Jun 23 2010, 06:20 PM']Like Eddie & the HotRods daid

DO ANTHING YOU WANNA DO

That applies to all [/quote]

One of my favourite songs of all time. Weirdly listened to it last night before going to sleep, slept like a baby on tranqs

Edited June 24, 2010 by basshead56

[Mog]

[quote name='basshead56' post='875261' date='Jun 23 2010, 12:05 PM']Thats what it feels like to us.
Another reason i am a tad more resentful is that this guitarist and me were in a band about 8 years ago and she became impossible to work with. it ended badly.
Posthumously, the band was offered a fairly good record deal and I do still blame her for it ending before its time in the sun, but its all internalised, festering away as a harmless rage-based mental condition. so no harm there [/quote]

I wouldn't be planning a tour with someone if I had previous problems with them. I say get another singer in. If he/she can play guitar too all the better.
They were ready to ditch the band and came back to ye lower than a snake in a coal mine when their holiday fell through. No amount of civil conversation is going to change the fact that you will always be wondering if they are going to bail again. Nip it in the bud.

Edited June 24, 2010 by Mog

[RockfordStone]

i say tell them to naff off, they can't leave then all of a sudden decide to stay and expect you to jump when they call, especially as its all been done by text.

tell them to naff off, and replace them and carry on with the band

[thepurpleblob]

It's not clear to me if the band is your day job or your hobby (or some point between the two). To be blunt, I can't see what good your rattle/pram moment could possibly do. My bitter experience is that even when you feel on the short end of the deal that being the big man, smiling nicely, and saying good luck is likely to bring long term benefits. They obviously wanted to go anyway. They wanted your blessing not your permission.

[wotnwhy]

[quote name='thepurpleblob' post='877303' date='Jun 25 2010, 12:30 PM']To be blunt, I can't see what good your rattle/pram moment could possibly do.[/quote]

I see no evidence of a rattle/pram moment, he's gone about it in a very civil way from what i get from this thread.


[quote]They wanted your blessing not your permission.[/quote]

Telling them by text they're leaving doesn't sound like a request for permission OR blessing.

Agree with what you say about being the big man though, courtesy and friendliness pays dividends no matter what the situation.

Edited June 25, 2010 by wotnwhy

[Krysbass]

My own band just folded on Wednesday - again caused by our singer thinking he was more important than all the rest of the band put together and running out of commitment. Singers tend to be a bit of a common denominator in band splits.

Seems to me it's time to either show them the door, or have a heart-to-heart about the levels of commitment that will be expected in the future if things are going to be allowed to take off again.

Edited June 25, 2010 by Krysbass

[basshead56]

UPDATE,
First, thanks to all who have posted here, your insight and opinions have been really helpful.

And to clear up anything that needed it, the band was a semi-pro type set up (it pays bills and gets us along). We all have part time jobs, but spend more time playng than working (usually)

After a long conversation, the drummer and I have decided to leave this band.
A second (mostly) civilkised conversation followed with the other two
We talked about everything, and I mean everything.
We told them how we felt about the entire situation and that perhaps leaving things would be best for all, for the time being at least.
We wished them good luck in whatever they do next and that we should not stop being friends because of this.
Seemed to go ok.

In hindsight, I´m relieved in a way.
The fun had sort of gone out of it a bit and if I´m honest, I don´t think me or the drummer were really considered as anything more than the ´backing band´ and didn´t have as much input as we would have liked.

But all´s not doom and gloom, was at the studio last night doing some bits and pieces for a mate´s EP and will be there with another of my bands next week recording. Kind of surfy/punk stuff, which I love.
And thursday, have a jam with the other band,
So not too worried, the weight´s off and the world´s a bigger place

Thanks again guys

[arsenic]

It sounds as if you have worked through this, and brought it all to a conclusion that you are happy with.

As long as you are not moving backwards, things will be OK.

Good luck with everything else - onwards and upwards

[discreet]

Excelsior!