Am I being unrealistic?

[BillyBass]

I've been a bassist for 4 years.  For the last two years I've been rehearsing regularly with a drummer and for most of that time we've been in a 4 piece with a guitarist and a few different singers.  The drummer and I were on the same page, both started playing at about the same time and our goal was to play live.  The guitarist doesn't practise much at home and often wings rehearsals, getting his phone out before songs to remind him how the song goes.  I regularly nag the guitarist to practise at home but it falls on deaf ears.  Our drummer just bailed.  I found a new drummer very quickly and we will audition him on Friday.  

 

I met the singer yesterday and she asked me to stop nagging the guitarist as this is a just bit of fun and I'm not making it pleasant for her.  She is used to flaky musicians and doesn't find the guitarist's behaviour to be out of order.

 

For me this isn't just fun though.  I take it very seriously, I practise at home constantly and in some ways, treat the band like I treat my business: if it is to be done it has to be done properly.

 

Am I being unrealistic?  Should I just be grateful I am in a band and not take it so seriously?

 

I've invested a lot of time in this band and walking away would be a big step but I don't seem to be on the same page as the guitarist and singer.

 

Any advice from you seasoned band members would be welcome.

 

 

 

 

[JapanAxe]

That would drive me nuts and I'd be on my toes.

[Linus27]

Personally, I work in the exact same way as you, if its going to be done, then do it properly so no, you are not being unrealistic. You have your own objectives and goals which are not in-line with the singer and guitarists. So if this was me, I would stay put and enjoy the opportunity to play and learn but look for a band/other musicians who are more in-line which how you think and feel and when the time comes, leave the current band. Just remember, the longer you stay with them the more frustrating it will get and as the saying goes, when something is no longer fun, then either make a change or stop doing it. There are plenty of musicians out there who are like-minded but equally, there are a lot who are not. Life is too short on time wasters. Perhaps put an advert out outlining what you want to do and the level of commitment and see where it gets you. When you meet the other musicians, have a chat and make sure everyone is on the same page and is committed to the same level.

Edited July 26, 2022 by Linus27

[Downunderwonder]

Not at all unrealistic. You just haven't found the right band. Assuming your own chops are in order there's nothing wrong with seeking a band that is set on gigging.

[jonnybass]

I'd say it depends on the purpose of the band.  I have worked in serious function bands, and so the expectation is to learn the parts ahead of time.  I have also worked with more fun bands, and there has been little/no pressure to learn songs.  It makes it slower, but the point there is to relax and enjoy it.  

 

Think of it like five a sides...if you were in a serious league, you'd expect people to train/work on fitness etc, if it was a kickabout you wouldnt, why should bands be different?

 

The problem here could be that the guitarist doesn't know which type of band he is in.

 

Jonny 

[jezzaboy]

It seems like you and the other members are looking for different things from a band. This very rarely ends well so try and find people that have the same goals as yourself and you will be happier.

[Dan Dare]

As Downunder, Jonny and Jezza point out, you and your band mates need to be on the same page. Both approaches - taking it seriously and doing it for fun - are equally fine, but there needs to be agreement as to which is the way the band rolls. Different strokes for different folks and all that.

 

Sounds as if a sit down and a discussion is in order. The upshot of it may mean you have to seek pastures new, but there's little point in staying if you are not in agreement.

[hiram.k.hackenbacker]

Tell the guitarist his services are no longer required. If that causes the singer to leave, then so be it. I cannot tolerate someone else in the band that does not put the required amount of work in.

[Barking Spiders]

Depends entirely if the band is just a hobby that might earn a bit of beer money or if there are plans to gig regularly for a main or second source of income. If the former I'd say just go with the flow and be glad you're in a band. If the latter, I take your point and would try to find a band which shares your outlook

[chyc]

5 minutes ago, hiram.k.hackenbacker said:

Tell the guitarist his services are no longer required. If that causes the singer to leave, then so be it. I cannot tolerate someone else in the band that does not put the required amount of work in.

If it's OP's band then yeah sure do this. If it isn't, then this is a really bad move and I'd be mega miffed to be on the receiving end of this.

[Franticsmurf]

32 minutes ago, BillyBass said:

Am I being unrealistic?

I don't think you're being unrealistic in general - you have to do what is best for you otherwise why bother? But maybe in this particular band if you're the only one feeling the way you do it's unrealistic to expect the others to step up. I've been in the same situation and the options are to accept it or do something about it. Bear in mind that, as has been said above, it will only become more and more annoying unless you genuinely accept it as a bit of fun and a means to learn and make contacts. In your circumstances I would be looking for like-minded musicians to form your own band. If you really can't stand the current line-up, walk away amicably before it gets nasty. 

 

In my situation, I changed my attitude to the 'fun' band, stayed and enjoyed it. It kept me playing, I learned some new stuff and I'm still friends with all the band members. And I found three like minded musicians and we're working on a new project with a more comfortable mix of commitment and enjoyment.

[Supernaut]

Follow the drummer out the door. These part timers ain't going nowhere, kid. 

[Woodinblack]

People have different approaches to bands, some people very professional, some people casual and it causes a lot of friction when people have a different approach to them. The goal is to find as many people who are as close to your idea of how to do things as possible for a long lived band. It isn't a question that you are right and they are wrong, it just that the approached don't work well together.

[Crusoe]

If the singer and guitarist intend gigging, he's going to have to practise.

[Doctor J]

"our goal was to play live"

 

That singer and guitarist aren't gigging any time soon. If you want to gig, you're going to need to find other people who want to gig too.

[SICbass]

Perhaps your intention (i.e., what you want out of this as an experience) has changed over time? Perhaps the others' hasn't. It's always good to be honest, and if you're not getting what you want out of it any more, maybe let the others know and look elsewhere. There's no need for acrimony, just clarify everyone's position and make a decision.

[Nicko]

54 minutes ago, BillyBass said:

For me this isn't just fun though.  

Or is it that it just isn't fun?

 

If you want to gig then walk away.  If your objective is to have a hobby where you play once a week then it really doesn't matter unless you don't find it fun.  Some bands seem to meet up as an excuse to have a few beers and stumble trough a couple of songs while they do so but it's not my idea of being in a band.

 

Personally I don't really enjoy gigging that much - it's a necessary evil of being in a half decent band.  Band's I've been in that don't gig seem to lack purpose and drift along not really doing much in the way of getting better.

 

[thedontcarebear]

Sounds like you’re the odd one out and should probably leave?

[ezbass]

You’re intention was, and is, to play live. Your guitarist, and perhaps the singer too, don’t appear to be on the same page. Therefore, you need to find like minded individuals to achieve your goal. This is not always easy. Perhaps, keep this band going to keep your ‘playing in a band’ chops up and form/join/seek out another outlet that wants to gig or already is.

[odysseus]

9 minutes ago, thedontcarebear said:

Sounds like you’re the odd one out and should probably leave?

 

This is pretty much why I left my last band.  So many musicians want to play the Bohemian card, but not actually do anything other than get stoned and just talk about doing stuff.

[hiram.k.hackenbacker]

45 minutes ago, chyc said:

If it's OP's band then yeah sure do this. If it isn't, then this is a really bad move and I'd be mega miffed to be on the receiving end of this.

Yeah, I probably assumed it was the OP’s band. I’d be leaving or firing the guitarist either way.

[hiram.k.hackenbacker]

….and I really don’t get this ‘it depends what you want out of it’ train of thought. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to be in a scenario where they have a guitarist that can’t be bothered to put in the work. I’d end up hating every minute I was in their company.

[Ed_S]

1 hour ago, BillyBass said:

I met the singer yesterday and she asked me to stop nagging the guitarist as this is a just bit of fun and I'm not making it pleasant for her.  She is used to flaky musicians and doesn't find the guitarist's behaviour to be out of order.

 

What is it that the singer actually finds unpleasant and objects to - is it just the 'atmosphere' of you telling the guitarist off and her not wanting to take a side? If you issued the guitarist a very firm but ultimately deserved verbal kick in the trousers out of earshot and he finally took notice, would she honestly be averse to the band getting better as a result?

 

Most enduring bands I've experienced have been benevolent dictatorships, so if the guitarist needs a heavier hand to make him work and the singer needs not to see it happen so she can stay happy... then why not make it go down like that. After all, if it stays the same you'll probably leave, so if you try to fix it and end up breaking it in the process then you've lost little to nothing for trying.

[stewblack]

1 hour ago, BillyBass said:

I've been a bassist for 4 years.  For the last two years I've been rehearsing regularly with a drummer and for most of that time we've been in a 4 piece with a guitarist and a few different singers.  The drummer and I were on the same page, both started playing at about the same time and our goal was to play live.  The guitarist doesn't practise much at home and often wings rehearsals, getting his phone out before songs to remind him how the song goes.  I regularly nag the guitarist to practise at home but it falls on deaf ears.  Our drummer just bailed.  I found a new drummer very quickly and we will audition him on Friday.  

 

I met the singer yesterday and she asked me to stop nagging the guitarist as this is a just bit of fun and I'm not making it pleasant for her.  She is used to flaky musicians and doesn't find the guitarist's behaviour to be out of order.

 

For me this isn't just fun though.  I take it very seriously, I practise at home constantly and in some ways, treat the band like I treat my business: if it is to be done it has to be done properly.

 

Am I being unrealistic?  Should I just be grateful I am in a band and not take it so seriously?

 

I've invested a lot of time in this band and walking away would be a big step but I don't seem to be on the same page as the guitarist and singer.

 

Any advice from you seasoned band members would be welcome.

 

 

 

 

Chill out man. It's not up to you how other people work, you can only keep your side of the street clean.

How you are as a person, how you interact with others - these are the absolute most important things and they will be the things that get you work and repeat bookings. The singer has already said it makes her uncomfortable - a big warning bell should have rung right then.

I've been in part time bands with people who try to control everyone else and it never works. Unless they set up and run the band by their rules and this is clear from the get go, in which case I suck it up or leave depending on their ability to get me work.

Even then no one tells me how to work, how to learn songs, whether I can have chord charts or not. It simply isn't their business.

[Teebs]

Kill 'Em all, let God sort them out.

 

Then find bandmates who are willing to put in the work to play live.

 

Good luck 👍🏻