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Quitting a band etiquette


shoulderpet

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Hi

Just quite the band I was playing in today,  I had been holding out as I knew we had a gig booked so have now quit now that the gig has passed, I have tried to leave the band in the most amicable way that I can.  Was just wondering what the standard practice/expectation is for leaving a band assuming you left on relatively good terms, do you just quit and move on and say no can do? do you offer to do a couple of gigs/rehearsals till the band has found a replacement?  I have been asked by the band I just quit if I would dep for them and I have said I can until they find a replacement but I have given some terms for doing so, they have said they will think them over for the moment, thanks

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I've given 3-6 months notice in the past; sometimes with an offer of allowing gig share over the notice period and offering to coach my replacement, but when you're in a busy band that's gigging 3 times a weekend, every weekend, you need to facilitate the transition.

If there's no gigs in the diary, there's no obligation to stay.

Edited by DanOwens
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It depends. If it’s a long standing band I’ve just explained it’s not for me any more and agreed a way forward, be that help auction a replacement or do the last gigs etc. 
 

Recently however in one early band I explained I wasn’t enjoying etc and then received an email that evening telling me I’d been fired. Another one was the keys player in a trio just emailing to say he didn’t  want to do it any more. 
 

My view is you should always look to leave on good terms, but if that’s not possible, just do what’s best for you, even if it’s walking immediately away. 

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yeah, what @la bam says

depends on how big a git you are/how much you hate the band - I know people who have quit with no notice and gigs in the diary (and not because they had a problem with the band, just because they were a massive git) and  others who have ended up being strung along for months by a band who never felt the need to get round to actually looking for a replacement when they know that they have somebody in place

My own experiences in quitting were:

  1. telling them in advance of the gigs that were in the diary, and make it clear that would do the gigs and that was the end - nobody was let down, and they could start looking for a replacement ahead of me leaving
  2. spitting my dummy out and quitting, but with no gigs in the diary.  If there had been then I'd have used method 1 again

My suggestion here is that if you're happy to dep do so for as long as it suits you to do it, but if you've given them your terms, especially if that includes a definite end date, then make sure you stick to them and don't start agreeing to exceptions and extra gigs, etc

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I've just left a band due to their wanting me to (unreasonably) commit to gigs that I couldn't do due to prior commitments with another band (which they knew I was in and NOT leaving and they were fine with when they approached me to join them).  At the end of August I politely pointed out that they'd be better off with another bassist but that I'd do the next few gigs or until they got a bassist up to speed.  Wrong line to take it transpired!  The band didn't proactively recruit a new bassist and I ended up gigging for 10 more weeks (1-2 gigs a week).  I eventually set a deadline that I'd not gig passed and stuck to it because I'd have still been gigging with them now (keyboard player is covering bass on some gigs even today)!     

I wouldn't dream of dropping a band in it if I was leaving them, however there is a point at which a band should have found a replacement or rescheduled gigs and setting deadlines/dates is good for everyone.  In my case I had to ensure the band I was in 'first' could commit to gigs moving forward, which I couldn't do if I was still expected to be playing with the band I was leaving!   

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21 minutes ago, chris_b said:

IMO it's a bad idea to burn your bridges. One of the guys might join another band in a years time and be looking for a bassist. So always leave amicably.

Agreed.

I recently left a folk group, there was a moment where I could have said all the things that I didn't like about working with them but chose instead to keep things amicable.

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I told my band in August that I’d be leaving due to health issues - did a thread about it a few weeks back - but that as it was for the good of the band I’d play any gigs I’d already committed to unless a replacement was found prior to that. I did also say however don’t book anything else.  would have taken me up to May next year, however it looks like it’s going to be sorted sooner than that. 
 

Additionally I have told them that if a gig comes up that whoever is playing bass can’t do, and it’s a gig that the band can’t afford to turn down then by all means ask me if I can do it. It’s week in, week out gigging I can’t manage anymore, one-off gigs not a problem and will be happy to help out. 

Edited by Lozz196
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Thanks for the replies, sometimes it is difficult to see things clearly when you are directly involved so this has been very useful.  I have agreed to stay until the end of January and after that date if they need a dep bass player and I have no conflicting arrangements I am happy to dep for them , I think that is fair

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23 minutes ago, shoulderpet said:

Thanks for the replies, sometimes it is difficult to see things clearly when you are directly involved so this has been very useful.  I have agreed to stay until the end of January and after that date if they need a dep bass player and I have no conflicting arrangements I am happy to dep for them , I think that is fair

Sounds eminently sensible, well done. 

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When I left my covers band a few years ago, they had no gigs booked, but I mentioned that if they were really desperate and it didn't conflict with a Terrortones gig I would be happy to fill in for them. Fast forward a few months and although they had found a replacement bass player, he had managed to injure himself just before a gig, so I got a call asking if I could help them out. I said yes provided that there was nothing new in the set that I didn't know.

What they hadn't told me was that as well as the bass player being unavailable, their usual singer had lost her voice and was being replaced for that gig by one of their previous vocalists. While they hadn't included any new songs in the set, because he didn't have the vocal range for some of the newer numbers we had been doing just before I left, there were quite a few songs back in the set that I hadn't played for some years, and to all intents and purposes they might as well have been new songs in that I had to learn them all over again. To say I wasn't happy was an understatement, and after the gig I let them know that I wouldn't be interested in doing any more.

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Depends on band and circumstances. I've given notice that the band was changing direction from what i originally started with and it just wasn't for me anymore. If gigs ahead i'll offer to do them. 

Some bands can accept that and others not so much.

Other bands where we don't live near each other and very rarely rehearse for whatever reason i've messaged the full band stating my concerns and wish to leave. I've found that doesn't go down very well with most so it would be a last resort for me now.

Other times i've had an offer that's too good to refuse and exactly what i was looking for and explained that to current band. As long as you are upfront and honest about it then it usually goes OK and most people i know nowadays accept it.  I always offer to complete any gigs we may have and allow them time to find a replacement

I guess there's never a good way to leave a band.

Dave

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Hmmmmmm, I'd choose my time to an important gig then do the gig but informally tell them just after; then definitely do the change ie don't go to any more rehearsals and make it clear you can't do the gigs etc. Sometimes its okay to use a "white lie" like "I'm too busy nowadays" and sometimes it might be better saying "Its not my thing any more". But its never worth burning your bridges and always leave on amicable terms, you never know when things turn around etc especially if the local area is tight-knit.

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I left one band a few years back literally overnight. I realised that I’d simply stopped enjoying it and rather than hang around and both drag the mood down, plus sour the memories of a great couple of years that I’d really enjoyed I walked straightaway. The band did have 2 bassists so I wasn’t leaving them light on the low end and unable to carry on gigging.

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Being a relatively new " born again bassist " I've only ever left one band. Actually, half a band as some of us are still together. 

It got to the point where it became obvious that the band was pulling in different directions, I didn't want to fall out with anybody, so I messaged the rest of the band to say that I would honour the gigs we'd already got booked ( even though there was one in particular I really didn't want to do ) then I was out. Which I thought was fair enough. I didn't want to leave anyone in the lurch. 

So we then went out separate ways.

Two of the guitarists went off on their own, and have since been advertising for a bass player, " no previous experience necessary, full training provided ". 

Just goes to show how much my role in the band was valued and appreciated. 

After all. Any idiot can play bass. 

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