jimcroisdale Posted September 25, 2015 Share Posted September 25, 2015 Hiya all, It's Friday and I have musician mates to abuse this weekend :-) Anyone got any good muso jokes? Jim Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stylon Pilson Posted September 25, 2015 Share Posted September 25, 2015 Two cats on a sloping roof. Which one slides off first? The one with the smallest μ. Sorry, thought you said mathematician jokes. S.P. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BassTractor Posted September 25, 2015 Share Posted September 25, 2015 (edited) I think I may have told this in the Bad Jokes thread already, and it's probably not exactly what you're after, but what the Heaven: A saxophonist dies, and for some reason unbeknownst to man, he's accepted in Heaven. St. Peter takes him to the Heavenly Big Band where he gets to play with some of the greats. Satchmo's there. Bird's there. They're all there! At some point he hears a solo from a stopped trumpet, but initially can't see the trumpet player. After some time though, he realises the trumpet player is the guy standing on the side of the band, dressed in an expensive Italian suit, and having his back turned to the audience. Our guy asks who the Hull that is, and the guy next to him answers: - "Him? Oh, that's just God. He thinks he's Miles Davis!" Edited September 25, 2015 by BassTractor Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CamdenRob Posted September 25, 2015 Share Posted September 25, 2015 No musician jokes but I can think of several joke musicians... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bassman Steve Posted September 25, 2015 Share Posted September 25, 2015 Quentin joins an orchestra as a violinist and sits next to Sebastian during a run of concerts. Night after night they sit there, in their black suits, and play the pieces. During a long rest in one of them Sebastian turns to Quentin and say "do you know what? I am so fed up of sitting in this uncomfortable suit with my black bow tie, black socks and black shoes. Tomorrow night I'm jolly well going to do something about it". Quentin says "good heavens, old chap, what on earth can you mean? What are you going to do?". "Just wait until tomorrow night", says Sebastian, "I'll bally well show them". The next night comes and there's Sebastian in his black suit, white shirt an bow tie. When they get to that same long rest, Quentin asks "what happened to your resolve, old fellow?" With that, Sebastian lifts the leg of his trousers to reveal a yellow stripe on his socks. "Great scot, what have you done" says Quentin. Sebastian turns to Quentin and says "f**k 'em". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BassTractor Posted September 25, 2015 Share Posted September 25, 2015 A saxophone player dies, and this time things are normal and he's sent directly to Hull. There seems to be a golden rim to the dark cloud though, as he's admitted to the Hull Big Band. The charts are dense though, and being in the saxophone row is unbelievably hard work, so he turns to the next guy to whisper: - "When do the solos start?", upon which his neigbour replies: - "No solos." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
funkgod Posted September 25, 2015 Share Posted September 25, 2015 how can you tell if a stage is level ? The drummer drools from both sides of his mouth Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jimcroisdale Posted September 25, 2015 Author Share Posted September 25, 2015 What do you call a banjo at the bottom of the sea? A start. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dandelion Posted September 25, 2015 Share Posted September 25, 2015 Did you hear about the bass player who locked their keys in the car? It took three hours to get the drummer out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lowdown Posted September 25, 2015 Share Posted September 25, 2015 (edited) Definition of perfect pitch? Dropping a Banjo down a well, and hope it doesn't touch the sides. [url=http://postimage.org/][/url] [url=L://postimage.org/]post img[/url] Edited September 25, 2015 by lowdown Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ras52 Posted September 25, 2015 Share Posted September 25, 2015 1920s Chicago. A man walks into a bank carrying a violin case, and everyone's scared there might be a gun inside. Then another man walks in carrying a viola case, and everyone's scared there might be a viola inside. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bassace Posted September 25, 2015 Share Posted September 25, 2015 [quote name='lowdown' timestamp='1443180400' post='2872867'] Definition of perfect pitch? [/quote] You throw a banjo in a skip and it hits an accordion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave_the_bass Posted September 25, 2015 Share Posted September 25, 2015 (edited) Did you hear about the bassist who was so depressed about his bad timing that he threw himself behind a train? He'd have been fine if the drummer hadn't landed on top of him! Edited September 25, 2015 by Dave_the_bass Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Agwin Posted September 25, 2015 Share Posted September 25, 2015 [color=#141823][font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif] An eminent violinist had a pupil who was due to perform in a concert. Someone was needed to play the piano accompaniment so the eminent violinist offered to play the piano for his pupil. During the course of the piece someone was needed to turn the pages for the piano accompaniment, so the eminent violinist asked his friend, an eminent pianist, if he wouldn't mind turning the pages for him. The eminent piano player was happy to oblige and so, the performance took place. The following day this review appeared in the paper:[/font][/color][color=#141823][font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif] The man who was playing the piano should've been playing the violin, the man who was turning the pages should've been playing the piano and the man who was playing the violin should've been turning the pages![/font][/color] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xgsjx Posted September 25, 2015 Share Posted September 25, 2015 Did you hear about the 2 jihadi drummers? Boom Boom! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rich Posted September 25, 2015 Share Posted September 25, 2015 What's the difference between a trampoline and a banjo? You take your shoes off to jump up and down on a trampoline. What's the difference between a dead badger in the road and a dead bassoonist in the road? The badger might have been on his way to a paying gig. What's the definition of a gentleman? Someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't. A violinist phones the orchestra office one day, asking to speak to the conductor. "I'm sorry" says the PA, "he has passed away." Half an hour later he calls again, asking to speak to the conductor. "I've already told you" says the PA, "he's dead." Half an hour later he calls yet again, asking to speak to the conductor. "Look" says the PA, "I've told you twice that the conductor is dead, why do you keep calling?" The violinist replies, "I just like hearing you say it." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roland Rock Posted September 25, 2015 Share Posted September 25, 2015 How do you get A♭m? Throw a piano down the shaft Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ras52 Posted September 25, 2015 Share Posted September 25, 2015 Why did the guitarist spend all evening standing outside his house? He didn't know when to come in and he couldn't find the key. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rich Posted September 25, 2015 Share Posted September 25, 2015 Without music, life would[attachment=201535:Bflat.jpg] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dropzone Posted September 25, 2015 Share Posted September 25, 2015 [s][u]What do drummers use as a contraceptive -------- Their personality[/u][/s] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ras52 Posted September 25, 2015 Share Posted September 25, 2015 [quote name='funkgod' timestamp='1443179463' post='2872848'] how can you tell if a stage is level ? The drummer drools from both sides of his mouth [/quote] [quote name='Dropzone' timestamp='1443189957' post='2872981'] [s][u]What do drummers use as a contraceptive -------- Their personality[/u][/s] [/quote] Please guys, the thread title is "Musician Jokes"! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ras52 Posted September 25, 2015 Share Posted September 25, 2015 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ahpook Posted September 25, 2015 Share Posted September 25, 2015 Good going foolks How many bassists does it take to change a lightbulb ? None....the keys player will do it with their left hand. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tinyd Posted September 25, 2015 Share Posted September 25, 2015 If you chuck an immaculate 1958 Les Paul and a Squier strat out of a plane, which will hit the ground first? Who cares? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yorks5stringer Posted September 25, 2015 Share Posted September 25, 2015 [sub]The Oyster Band only Tour when there is an 'R' in the month.[/sub] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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