Jump to content
Left leaderboard
Sign in to follow this  
wally8

Hilarious first (and only!) auditions

Recommended Posts

Im sure there are loads of you out there who have experienced the 30 minutes of hell i just have!!!! I took the wife to sing in a cover band looking for a singer and bass player.

As soon as the guys walked in i knew things were going to be terrible. I bowl in with my 1x15 and 700w head and the guitarist comes in carrying a 15w vox practice amp!!!!

the 3 songs we learned we by no means tech - paranoid, black velvet and misery business. The drumming was up and down in tempo, guitarist out of tune and plyinh wrong chords (he played black velvet in C# tuning when we agreed before the song started to b in D#), just horrendous.

How after 1 song do you walk out and how do you say it?? Took me 3, a nod from the wife and a "I think thats enough for me" before packing the precision away. Like a rat up a drain pipe we were gone. There must be tons of stories out there. Cheers

Edited by wally8

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Most memorable and I still remember it after all these years, was in a village hall with a stage.

Guy walks in...and we were pretty green ourselves, but the initial chat goes well..
We use the Hall's stage lights to get some atmosphere..as these things appealed to us at the time..and we start the number...

The guy stands in the spotlight, arms outstretched, giving it Huge rock'n'roll, facing the imaginary adoring crowd
and opens his mouth.

Me and the drums are wetting ourselves as the guy can't sing a note.. not remotely close to one.... I am crying with laughter and can't keep the song together..so I bend down by my cab pretending I can't hear it so I can turn my back..
He never looks back which is just as well. he seems oblivious to us hardly keeping it together... in truth, we can't..!!
The guy carries on with his rock god pose for the whole song... and we are dying.. tears and everything, my sides ache..
He turns round at the end to ask how was it for us...!!

Bless him... still one of the funniest things ever in music for me...

Edited by JTUK

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Similar experience to JTUK, in our year long search for a singer we auditioned this nice looking girl of about 25ish, recommended by friends. Anyway, launch into track 1... she could have been on stars in their eyes as a Nina Hagen double. managed to get through the song by biting the inside of my cheek to stop from laughing out loud, (IIRC it was kiss's rock and roll all night if you can imagine the scene) and could tell that the rest of the guys were having similar problems keeping a straight face. Everyone is too embarrassed to say anything so we start the 2nd song. Then the 3rd. 4th. 5th. I swear that she never sung a note, just narrated the lines in that croaky burlesque monotone.

Thanked her for her time and showed her the door, then let all the pent up laughter out.

Kinda regret it a bit because we were just looking to have a bit of fun doing pub covers. Could have been something interesting...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My last band were looking for a bassist for ages and, after fruitless searching, I suggested going back to bass and us trying out some proper guitarists - which none of us were really keen on which is why I was on guitar in the first place. We picked three interested parties and set up auditions, giving them one hour each with a 20 minute break between each one. The first guy came in, nothing special, but not crap, but not the right guy for the gig. The second guy I thought would have worked, but kept asking about how I did the solos on the demo. I told him that 99% of what we were doing was nothing to do with solos and not to worry too much about it but he kept asking about this lick and that, quite neurotic about it and the other lads weren't keen. The third guy had sent us some mp3's of some Vai style sweep picking and six string pyrotechnics so we were expecting great things.

But there was no sign of him.

Eventually, with about 30 minutes of the session left he called, he got lost and was looking for directions. He arrived with about 15 minutes left, but certainly looked the part, apart from a very, very cheap guitar and a pod, which he plugged into the PA. Now you need to imagine how a Marshall stack would sound if it was deep, deep in a cave and you were at the cave entrance, several miles away. It's as close as I can depict his reverb and echo drenched tone. Now imagine the guitar is slightly out of tune too. There you go. He had a couple of weeks to learn the songs we sent him so we asked him which song he wanted to play. He didn't know the names, so the first one. Ok, we said, it starts with a guitar riff so off you go. He asked if I could show it to him again, just to refresh his memory. It was a very simple riff and he was having trouble with it. We started the song and, after four bars, switched to the verse, except Vai was still butchering the intro riff. Eight bars later we head to the chorus, he's still playing the same riff. I noticed the drums start to get a little sloppy and then stop. I looked over and the drummer was hunched over behind his bass drum in what appeared to be a convulsion but managed to squeak that his bass drum skin had split. The singer was crying and bent over behind the bass drum too to see if he could help, their shoulders shaking in unison. I was the only one who could speak, so I had to say that it was time to stop and pack up since the bass drum skin was broken. The guy asked if he should come back next week. I said we'd have to get the drum fixed first and that we'd call him. Nice fella, not a guitarist though.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Similar as above, of course, but we were putting a band together for doing some originals and some covers, of which I remember a Gentle Giant song and one by Dalbello.

In comes this guitarist with his axe tuned to an E minor chord. A barré (that the word when you pinch all strings with one straight finger?) plus one finger is major, right?
Explains he was in a metal band that got a record contract after they'd thrown him out. :lol:

best,
bert

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

[quote name='SteveO' timestamp='1337026898' post='1654363']
Similar experience to JTUK, in our year long search for a singer we auditioned this nice looking girl of about 25ish, recommended by friends. Anyway, launch into track 1... she could have been on stars in their eyes as a Nina Hagen double. managed to get through the song by biting the inside of my cheek to stop from laughing out loud, (IIRC it was kiss's rock and roll all night if you can imagine the scene) and could tell that the rest of the guys were having similar problems keeping a straight face. Everyone is too embarrassed to say anything so we start the 2nd song. Then the 3rd. 4th. 5th. I swear that she never sung a note, just narrated the lines in that croaky burlesque monotone.

Thanked her for her time and showed her the door, then let all the pent up laughter out.

Kinda regret it a bit because we were just looking to have a bit of fun doing pub covers. Could have been something interesting...
[/quote]


Got any contact details for her?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

[size=4]Ha - good work guys. I was singing in a band playing metallica/megadeth etc a few years back and our bassist was useless, playing with something like an encore. On route to band practice with his bass on his back on his moped he was smashed into a ditch by a car, wrote his ped off but still managed to get to practice via a taxi and m[font=Arial][color="#000000"]iraculously[/color][/font] his bass was still in one piece!![/size]

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Not really a hilarious story... but I used to be in a female fronted Led Zeppelin meets early Metallica style band with the odd proggy riff in 7/8 or 15/16 thrown in here and there... Nothing hard to follow or anything!...


Anyways we auditioned this drummer who seemed really keen. He was also very confident in his abilities and mentioned how he was a drum teacher in almost every sentence. However as soon as it came to actually playing any of the riffs, he absolutely refused to play in anything other than 4/4, despite us showing the riffs to him in super slow-mo and exaggerating where the accents were supposed to be, along with all the rest of it. It probably took about 10 - 15 minutes just to work out a decent beat for the first riff, before he told us we were 'just trying to show off' by playing a riff in 7/8, and then spent the rest of the audition trying to rewrite all of our songs so they would be easier for him to play with the same beat all the way through :blink:

We never spoke of him again...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Did an audition as a drummer where some band just threw random time signatures at me, they where just showing off :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I remember years ago, me and a drummer were trying to get a trio going for pub gigs and such and decided to interview some guitarist / singers. We decided to do this in my front room rather than splashing out on a rehearsal studio (we were skint at the time, having just left school). Anyway, this fella turns up, nice enough bloke with his missus in tow. Me and him are discussing the set list during which time the drummer farted. Now I dunno about you, but I've got a real toilet sense of humour and this just happened to give me the giggles. It wasn't a rip-roarer, it was one of them ones where when you hear it, you aren't sure if it actually was a fart or a noisy chair.

I looked at him, and by the grin he was trying to stifle I knew the bastard had farted. Anyway, I'm starting get get the giggles now and I can hear him trying to cover up his giggling too. Meanwhile, the bloke and his missus are completely oblivious and he's carrying on talking about the setlist songs and gigs etc. The only thing I can liken it to was the scene from the Life of Brian where he's going on about Biggus Dickus.

Eventually, to remove myself from the situation I offer to make teas and run out into the kitchen where the tears are rolling down my face not only at the thought of the drummer farting but of him having to try and sit there conversing with this fella about the band. I'm bent over double laughing my bollocks off when I turn round and he's stood next to me in the kitchen holding his knackers so as he doesn't wet himself from laughing, tears pouring down his face. We were there for a good 3 or 4 minutes not saying a word, just laughing - at one point I thought I was going to have a coronary.

Anyway, we then realise we can't just leave them both in the front room on their own so I say to him that he's got to go back in and keep them entertained, as I'm supposed to be making tea. We then start arguing over who has to go back, in-between long gusts of stifled laughter. He eventually agrees but just before he goes to head back he laughs again and a huge jet of snot shoots out of his nose. That's it for me, I'm on the floor like an immobilised cockroach hardly able to breathe from laughing and he's on his knees, with more tears, snot and dribble coming out of his mouth. Another few minutes and we eventually compose ourselves.

The next twenty minutes were hell. I couldn't look at the drummer because I know what'd happen. I dunno what this guitarist and his missus thought but they never came back again. I wonder why.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Years ago i was in some sort of new wave/punk/crap band, not my cup of tea but ti was something to do. Singer wasnt great, me on bass with about 7 FX boxes and young drummer who was madly in love with Killing Joke.
We needed a guitarist and after seeing a couple of good players (who i would have loved to work with outside that band) in walks a guy that had the image down 100%. Punk hair, make-up, clothes the lot. He pulls out this strange looking angular guitar, plugs in and there was this noise, not too dissimilar from a KJ riff but not in tune in any way. All he was doing was making this barking noise by muting all the strings and whacking them.

Our songs did have tunes but after about 5mins we stopped playing and i asked him if he was actually in tune, and if not did he want to borrow my tuner.
This was met with a very vacant stare. He then explained he had never tuned the guitar up since he had it, he only got it because it looked the part and that he cant actually play the guitar.
The drummer, who by this time had decided this was THE guitarist for us proceeded to show him how to tune the guitar up.
One by one each tuning peg was turned, and each was met with a twang and a rusty string breaking. This was a god send as it gave us our excuse to say "we will give you a call" and get rid of him.
We ended up getting a mate in as we all knew him and his playing style fitted in.

Funny thing is, two weeks later the drummer left the band to form a new one, you can guess who with lol.

Never seen again.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

[quote name='BassTractor' timestamp='1337028643' post='1654410']
Similar as above, of course, but we were putting a band together for doing some originals and some covers, of which I remember a Gentle Giant song and one by Dalbello.

In comes this guitarist with his axe tuned to an E minor chord. A barré (that the word when you pinch all strings with one straight finger?) plus one finger is major, right?
Explains he was in a metal band that got a record contract after they'd thrown him out. :lol:

best,
bert
[/quote]

yep he's right, I had to learn how to play guitar in 4 weeks years ago so we could play a gig, just tuned it E major and barred the top 3 strings and played the gig, played like that for a while, never had to do an audition though :D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

There should be some sort of test like a driving test so applying musos can show a cert of competence. Unless you are under 20 and joining like aged people to start out. Perhaps some sort of provisional license. Cor, I could be on to something here!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Wouldn't make much difference. Driving licences don't prevent car crashes when idiots decide they know everything anyway.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My first band, that I had put together, very noisy and desperate to sound like Motorhead. It was me, my brother on Guitar and my mate on Drums. We decided we needed another Guitarist.
First to audition was a girl (we were 12 or 13 years old) who turned up with an acoustic Guitar, sat down and said "Well, I think you should be a Country & Western band.". Never saw her again.
Second audition was a mate of my brother's. He didn't know how to tune his Guitar and while we were playing he turned the volume on his Guitar off and pretended to play along. We split up after that.

I was once asked to stand in for a rehearsal which ended up with the band asking would I join them if they sacked their current Bass player... They had two singers, neither of which could sing, an absent Drummer whom I knew and I also knew didn't own a Drumkit, and a Guitarist who could play Enter Sandman really well, as long as he was looking at the tab in the book, he couldn't play any other songs, not even from his book.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I offered to play drums for a friend's punk trio but I'd taken my own body weight in shrooms and the best I could manage was drooling a little bit and falling off the stool. Was pretty punk of us to self-destruct before we'd even played a note though.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

[quote name='thisnameistaken' timestamp='1337094867' post='1655334']
I offered to play drums for a friend's punk trio but I'd taken my own body weight in shrooms and the best I could manage was drooling a little bit and falling off the stool. Was pretty punk of us to self-destruct before we'd even played a note though.
[/quote]

Sir, I salute you. That is proper, bone fide punk - apart from the drooling, bit more effort needed there to spit ;). None of this namby pamby radio friendly, career conscious so called punk you get these days.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Once auditioned for a band that were doing more modern/indie type stuff of the time that I fancied a go at as I'd been doing classic rock in previous two bands. So I got a list to learn, thought I made a decent job of the basslines in the time given and turned up. They had failed to book a rehearsal room and it ended up being in one band members living room. I recall there being at least 2 if not 3 guitarists involved and potentially 2 lead vox, one male and one female. Except the male singer was busy organising his wedding so didn't turn up. Then it transpired that the drummer who turned up wasn't actually a band member but another audition candidate, they were auditioning a rhythm section from scratch who didn't even know each other! After a few songs it was becoming uncomfortably clear that for the majority of the songs I seemed to know the structure and form of the songs better than the actual band themselves. I went through it all with gritted teeth and left as they had other people lined up to look at. I had to stop on the way home, pull the car over and text them to let them know I wasn't going to join even if they asked me and just go with someone else. Months later I was still seeing want ads for musicians for what could only have been the same band.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

[quote name='JTUK' timestamp='1337023243' post='1654264']
Me and the drums are wetting ourselves as the guy can't sing a note.. not remotely close to one.... I am crying with laughter and can't keep the song together..so I bend down by my cab pretending I can't hear it so I can turn my back..
He never looks back which is just as well. he seems oblivious to us hardly keeping it together... in truth, we can't..!!
The guy carries on with his rock god pose for the whole song... and we are dying.. tears and everything, my sides ache..
He turns round at the end to ask how was it for us...!!

Bless him... still one of the funniest things ever in music for me...
[/quote]

But then he formed The Smiths and went on to have a solo career so who's laughing now eh? ;)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Years ago,phone rings a guitarist wants a bass player,promises of great gigs original tunes ect,you heard all this befor type stuff, to cut a long long yarn short..I turn up,they eventualy arrive,I have a half stack a couple of basses,they have one Marshall thing between two guitarists,no drummer, no singer. The warning bells are ringing very loudly,inwardly screeming noooooooo...they can not be this bad,no tune up just plug in and they start playing one in E the other in A they were playing like a pair of super rock stars both at different gigs.I was shure that I had been set up by some one and was looking around for the camera,and awaiting Mr Beadle to walk in mic in hand...had to pretend the amp had blown and run away..thinking will have to vet any future calls very carefully... :ph34r: :D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I once auditioned a gitarist who turned up with some pointy headstocked, Floyd Rose double locking whanmmy, type guitar. It took him two hours to tune the damned thing up, what with all the unlocking, tune, re-lock, unlock, tune, re-lock etc, ad nauseum. I lost the will to live around the 45 minute mark and to this day have no idea if he ever even played a full chord in the two hours he was there.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

"So, are we splitting the bill for the rehearsal room?"

- When I auditioned for a temporary position in a band three weeks away from an important gig they needed a bassist for. This was after I'd come straight from work, not having eaten all day (had been up since five; it was nine o clock now) and to maintain good relations gave what I'd been saving for food money on the way home - the guitarist had to cover me for the rest. And then I still never heard back from them - I'm unsure whether to be annoyed or glad that I didn't end up forking over thirty quid for the next three weeks of rehearsals.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Sign in to follow this  

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.



×
×
  • Create New...