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MacDaddy

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Status Updates posted by MacDaddy

  1. MacDaddy

    Dickens: it was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

     

    Schrödinger: nice!

  2. MacDaddy

    I'm starting a flight company exclusively for bald people.

    It's called Receding Airlines. 

    1. Clarky

      Clarky

      Is that a re-branded FinnAir ?

    2. BillyBass

      BillyBass

      ...and an associated travel company: Air Today gone tomorrow.

       

      Ok I know that's bad but MacDaddy started it.

  3. MacDaddy

    I'm just sitting here wondering how I never noticed there is a Turd in Saturday...

    1. BillyBass

      BillyBass

      🤣 good spot.

       

      We have a gig on Saturday week, I think we should advertise it: 'Take the turd out of Saturday, come and see us play'

    2. Jean-Luc Pickguard

      Jean-Luc Pickguard

      Just wait until you see what's in Scunthorpe

  4. MacDaddy

    I went to the Doctor's because I keep painting myself gold.

    He said not to worry, I just have a gilt complex.

    1. andybassdoyle

      andybassdoyle

      wonderful! - is this the bad jokes thread reborn clandestine? I do hope so

       

    2. Happy Jack

      Happy Jack

      424445958_ElvisinGold.thumb.JPG.9541b6344fb60714ed599abb0f004967.JPG

    3. pete.young

      pete.young

      Someone in a James Bond film died from being painted with gold. But what a lovely finish.

  5. MacDaddy

    GNU Terry Pratchett 

    1. Bigwan

      Bigwan

      🐐

    2. TheGreek

      TheGreek

      He is much missed...thanks for the reminder

  6. MacDaddy

    Computer: choose a password

    Me: hi-hat 

    Computer: password can not contain symbols 

     

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. prowla

      prowla

      Baffling, isn't it?

    3. SpondonBassed

      SpondonBassed

      Infinitely.

    4. Alien

      Alien

      Ba-dum tish!

       

  7. MacDaddy

    Lucy, in the sky, with diamonds.

    John Lennon never quite got the hang of Cluedo

    1. TheGreek

      TheGreek

      Classic!

  8. MacDaddy

    I asked a lady out for a drink, she said how about 8 tomorrow?

    No, I said, that's too many.

    1. Mykesbass

      Mykesbass

      I saw this today in a similar vein - A man was visiting his home town in Wales having been living in the US for 40 years. Someone asked why he moved. Because of a woman. That's nice, who was she? Margaret Thatcher.

  9. MacDaddy

    If alcohol can damage your short term memory, just think what alcohol can do.

     

    1. petecarlton

      petecarlton

      Ha ha

       

       

       

       

      Ha ha

       

       

       

      Ha ha

  10. MacDaddy

    Just found out that a dentist near me has been arrested for selling drugs. Shows you how wrong you can be about people. I had been going to him for over 10 years. Never knew he was a dentist.

    1. plankspanker

      plankspanker

      Bwahaha!

  11. MacDaddy

    Why is that book so thick?

    It's a long story...

    1. Rich

      Rich

      Diner: Waitress, can you tell me about the menu please?

      Waitress: The men I please are none of your business.

    2. TheGreek

      TheGreek

      A jumper I bought recently was picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store...

       

      They gave me another one Free of Charge.

  12. MacDaddy

    I'm thinking of killing off some characters in the book I'm writing.

    It'll certainly spice up my autobiography...

  13. MacDaddy

     

    I asked my North Korean friend what it was like living there. She said 'I can't complain '.

  14. MacDaddy

    I thought about having a Bucks Fizz this Boxing Day morn, but I'm having trouble making my mind up...

    1. Reggaebass

      Reggaebass

      That’s the Land of make believe 😁

  15. MacDaddy

    Most people are quite shocked I'm not a qualified electrician.

    1. TheGreek

      TheGreek

      Stunning!

    2. prowla

      prowla

      I'm confused - is this some kind of plug, are you looking to flex your skills?

    3. TheGreek

      TheGreek

      Watt?? Ohm-y God - He must have found this gag at the back of a volt!!

  16. MacDaddy

    I just called the paranoia hotline.

    A guy answered "how the hell did you get this number‽".

    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. prowla

      prowla

      Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

    3. TheGreek

      TheGreek

      That's right...we are 👽🤖

    4. LeftyJ

      LeftyJ

      I asked my local library for a book about paranoia. They whispered "Behind you".

  17. MacDaddy

    My happiest childhood memory is building sandcastles with my grandfather.

    Until my mother took the urn away from me.

  18. MacDaddy

    Terrible night. Dreamt something bit me on the neck. Got up to check but the mirror wasn't working.

    1. alyctes

      alyctes

      You've been tracking mud into the house again. haven't you?

    2. Happy Jack

      Happy Jack

      Sorry to be a downer, but vampires show up in modern mirrors. They didn't show up in mirrors before because mirrors were backed with silver. Now we use aluminum.

  19. MacDaddy

    The inventor of velcro recently died. RIP.

    1. Rich

      Rich

      The bloke who composed the Hokey Cokey also died recently. His funeral was a bit chaotic -- it all kicked off when they put his left leg in the coffin...

  20. MacDaddy

    It takes guts to be an organ donor.
     

    1. TheGreek

      TheGreek

      Yep...real heart

  21. MacDaddy

    My therapist told me "write letters to the people you hate and then burn them".

    Did that, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.

    1. lowregisterhead

      lowregisterhead

      😂 Whatever you do, don't bury them with the charred remains...

  22. MacDaddy

    What is blue and not heavy?

    Light blue.

  23. MacDaddy

    Baby On Board = fine
    Baby Superglued To MDF = not

    1. AinsleyWalker

      AinsleyWalker

      Baby on board 😞
      Pedal on board 😎

    2. SpondonBassed

      SpondonBassed

      image.png.f00700d54d208393245b00fe8beb9dd2.png

  24. MacDaddy

    BREAKING NEWS: Medics have rushed into the I’m a Celeb camp after Matt Hancock was stung by a scorpion. The venomous, creepy creature known for causing pain and death is said to be moaning about his sore finger. 

    No update on the health of the scorpion though...

     

     

     

     

    1. TheGreek

      TheGreek

      Hope the Scorpion wasn't harmed too much.

  25. MacDaddy

    I entered a fancy dress competition yesterday dressed as a giraffe.

    I didn't win, but at least I can hold my head up high...

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