Leaderboard

Sorry, this is a bit of a long one, but it is eventful... It’s 1990 and my Birmingham based indie band thought it would be a great idea to travel up to Bolton for a gig, on a Thursday night in January. When we set off, a few non-threatening flakes of snow pitter-pattered on the windscreen, but spirits were high. We got to the venue, climbed the stairs (of course) to the stage area and got busy setting up. Eventually, we caught sight of the landlord of the pub- a pimpled youth who looked too young to get served in a bar let alone run one. He was accompanied by an elderly lady we took to be his mother and a barmaid in her early twenties. After a while, Andy, our lead singer/guitarist went up to the baby-faced barman and asked where the PA was. Babyface pointed to two speakers, suspended from the ceiling. ‘Those are speakers’ said Andy, confused… Babyface was adamant that we should have bought a PA amp and stomped off to try and find us something ‘from out the back’. After about twenty minutes, he emerged with a desk mounted microphone about the size of a telephone directory with a curved horn protruding from it…the kind of thing a 1920s taxi controller would use. When we pointed out that Andy would have to lie on the floor and sing with one finger on the ‘talk’ button, Babyface seemed to think this was a viable option. After a while he came back with the kind of microphone that came free with a 1970s music centre. The lead was about five feet long and held together with sticky tape. To make it work, it had to be plugged into the spare input on Andy’s guitar amp which gave the vocals a certain ‘Stephen Hawking’ timbre. We also had to gaffa tape it to a cymbal stand. It was at this point, I decided to drink heavily… We struggled through our hour long set, said ‘Thank you Bolton and goodnight’ and I trotted off to see Babyface for our fee. ‘You ain’t finished. Play for another half hour or ya dunt get paid’ came the reply. I relayed this information to my colleagues and unsurprisingly it was greeted with less than joy. After a brief discussion, we decided that rather than repeat numbers we had already played, we would play the Velvet Undergrounds’ ‘Sweet Jane’ for 30 minutes exactly. I decided I needed something to make this ordeal slightly more palatable and marched to the bar and ordered two large whiskeys which I downed in about 20 seconds. Now, I was ready. Andy decided he was just going to sing and left his guitar on the stand and improvised often profane variations on one of Lou Reeds’ finest works, whilst glaring at Babyface, who seemed oblivious to it all. By now, I was steaming drunk and barely capable of playing the incredibly simple bass line. Occasionally, I would stop to steady myself on the drumkit or reach forward and steal the drinks from the table of two nice young girls, who looked at me like I was a basket case. Our drummer and guitarist diligently plugged away with murder in their eyes. Half way through the song and feeling slightly unwell, I decided I needed a rest and found a suitable place for a lie down…a ‘bench’ about 18” wide. Perfect! I gingerly manoeuvred myself into a horizontal position and continued to plunk away whilst grinning inanely and looking at the ceiling. Something felt wrong…and then it occurred to me that I was lying on the railing at the top of the staircase and to my immediate right was a thirty-foot drop to the ground floor. With all the elegance I could muster, I got back into an upright position and after EXACTLY 30 minutes, in the middle of a chorus, Andy yelled ‘STOP!’ and walked straight over to the bar for the fee. But Babyface was nowhere to be seen. Andy asked the barmaid where he was, and she opened the door to the stockroom…there was Babyface in the middle of a passionate and noisy clinch with the woman we took to be his mother. It was at that moment I decided I needed another drink. Whilst at the bar, I was slapped hard on the back by a drooling drunk – obviously feeling I was a kindred spirit – and with his face about an inch from mine he yelled that we were ‘the best thing he’d seen since Hendrix!’ Given that he looked about 30, he was either a precocious gig-goer or, more likely, King of the B*llsh*tters. Anyway, he bought me a drink and then fell down most of the stairs. The journey back was hell. At one point, three of the lads decided they needed a toilet break. Rather than pull into a service station, Andy immediately wrenched the van to the side of the road and flung open the doors. By now, the light scattering of snowflakes had turned into a blizzard and we were ankle deep in white slush. On leaving the van, the three intrepid travellers had to go down a fairly modest incline to get to the nearest tree to relieve themselves against. All well and good on the way down, but due to the weather conditions and the inebriated state they found themselves in, no one could get back to the van. They would get halfway up and then slip down like contestants on some unholy episode of ‘Total Wipeout’. I was alerted to their plight by the screams and profanities which shattered the peaceful night air. I fell out of the van to see what the commotion was, to be greeted by the sight of three soaking, mudsplattered figures yelling at me for assistance. I am not proud of this, BassChat, but I laughed so much at their condition, I was completely incapable of reaching down and pulling them up. Eventually, they scrambled back to the van and one of them punched me. Mercifully, I was the first to be dropped off at home. So, at six thirty in the morning – half an hour before I had to get up to go to work – I extracted myself woozily from the van, steadied myself against a rather lovely Oak tree on the traffic island in the middle of my street and puked over my Chelsea boots. Full of self loathing and feeling like I had moments to live, I brought my gaze upwards from my ruined footwear to be greeted by the faces of the postman, the milkman and my next door neighbour, just arriving home from the nightshift. That’s showbiz.

The unprofessional part of all of this is expecting a band to turn up on a separate day to soundcheck against a sound meter because you aren't on the 'approved list' - whatever that is. In all my decades of playing in function bands, I never heard such utter tosh. As previously stated, your contract is with the bride. Tell her the sound check cannot happen and she then either has to sort it out or lose you. Her problem, not yours.

Nothing I have is a patch on any of these but since we're here… my student jazz-funk band was asked to play someone's house party. We did some originals and some covers ranging from current (Corduroy) through well-known (Chameleon) to fairly obscure ones. We get there and this guy says oh, I play keyboards, is it OK if I join in with you? We look at each other uneasily. Sorry mate, our guitarist says, but, er, we've got arrangements and stuff (subtext: and we've rehearsed them). Turns out he's the DJ and gets us back after our set by playing the original of every tune we cover, to show how much better the original was than our version (which to be fair, was true).

A few years ago I was living in a small Somerset town , there was an annual street fair. It was a popular event attracting thousands , stalls running the length of the street, buskers playing, main stage with bands , beer tents etc. I'd been involved from the outset in various ways including dressing up as the green Man and playing bagpipes. I was approached by someone from the next town who'd been to our fair and wanted to put on something similar ...would I be interested in doing my act there? I arrive in the morning and they've closed of the town's main car park for the fair. At each entrance there is a table with people in high vis vests to stop traffic. The car park is completely empty bar a table at one end where the local cats home are selling a (somewhat poor selection of) bric a brac. It's still early I think to myself as I stand pipes in hand in the middle of an empty car park as the start time approached. I play to an empty car park. Still nobody. I hang around until 1 , still nobody. I give it another hour before finding the organiser. We chat about how disappointing it's been and I ask her what publicity she's done..... "None, I don't believe in it, you can't beat word of mouth!"

Ah, the 'we've booked you by accident' syndrome. Was in a folk/rock band, there was a local festival which was quite popular, we submitted a demo to try and get on the lineup but we'd put it in late and wasn't surprised to not get selected. Then, with not long to go and thinking we were just going to be in the audience, we got a call saying there had been a last minute cancellation by one of the acts and could we oblige. Of course was the answer but was very surprised to learn that the organisers had put us on as the headline band. Now we had been around for a bit, so in our egotistical minds this seemed plausible. Come the day, the organisers were chatting to us so no suspicions about mistaken identities. Then, the MC announces us with the line 'we're really excited to have booked this band, we've been trying to get them here for years...', at which point we all look at each other with wtf faces, ' please welcome THE *****'. Turns out we had the same name but without 'THE' in front of it as the band they thought they'd booked. We had never realised there was a band out there with a similar name as the 'real' band were doing much bigger gigs than us and our paths had never crossed. Well, no time to think about it, we went on and the set went down well. The organisers were happy and said they really enjoyed our new material. We never told them!

The venue are just trying to safeguard their permission to make noise within certain limits. Can't blame them really, as they want to continue to trade... and they don't want a third party wrecking it for them. From my experience, this is how I'd handle the situation. Doddy is defo on the right path - venues see musicians as an annoyance that they are not in control of. Respond to the venue and state the following - 1. Respond to the venue, stating that you cannot afford to pre-visit every venue that you play but rest assured, as a professional outfit, you have experience of playing with sound limiters. 2. Acknowledge the fact that the venue are worried about sound levels and state that you of course will work with the venue to ensure that the appropriate sound levels are maintained. Suggest that a responsible member of a staff is present at the sound check to confirm that the band is playing to volumes that satisfy them, bringing a separate sound meter with them if required. 3. Also state that as the venue, they have a responsibility to provide a safe, continuous supply of power to the band, hence, you will not be signing any documentation. (Don't finish on this statement as it sound confrontational). As your part of the deal, you can state that all your equipment is PAT tested and you rely on it for your livelihood, therefore it should not be put at undue risk. 4. State that you will finish the set 15 minutes before curfew and then you will play pre recorded music to naturally bring the volume of the evening to a close. (So don't start playing things like I Predict a riot, Ruby ruby ruby, Brightside etc) 5. The band will respect any requests from the venues staff for you to alter the volume as required and you fully understand the meaning of striking that happy median of playing loud enough to generate the party atmosphere and respecting the neighbours). 6. Say you will be bringing an electric kit Speak to the wedding couple and say that the venue is in touch and set expectations. 1. Performance won't be an issue but will be constrained by sound meter and you have had experience of playing sound metered gigs before. 2. Also state that the venue have a responsibility to provide a safe, continuous supply of power to the band, hence, they should not be signing any documentation. 3. State that you are sick of venues selling themselves as band friendly and say that the venue is completely shady if they have not set expectations of volumes at the time of booking the venue. (This plants the seed and makes the client have those conversations with the venue about their disappointment in a "miss-sold" fact about the suitability for entertainment.) First off, write off the fact that this is going to be a high impact, high energy performance. It's not. When you sound check - 1. Source an electric kit (if you haven't got access to one already). Every wedding band should get access to them. 2. Make the volume ridiculously low. Uncomfortably low even. It will keep the venue happy and give them the confidence that you aren't going to give them any sound pollution problems. They'll forget the signing of any meaningless documents when they realise that you are reasonable people. 3. Stand your ground if people ask you to turn up and politely encourage people to speak to the venue if there is a problem (preferably the person that was present at sound check). 4. Get through the gig. It probably won't be fun. Additionally, look at the list of "approved" bands. If they are all Mumford and Sons-esque, consider going acoustic. You will need to confirm this with the client. I know, I know... but better to give something the beans acoustic-wise and can actually be quite fun as an alternative. You'll probably find out, this is all just procedure. In reality, once you remove the email chain, it's very rare that the venue will actually be that proactive in the follow up of anything. You'll probably find out the venue are completely different to how they can come across in emails. In all my years of playing wedding venues, there's only one that comes to memory where the tone of the email matched the guy at the venue. He was a complete pr1ck - I'll write about him in the nightmare thread at some point. Anyway... For example, PAT certificates and insurance - they just want to see a document. I have never had known anybody actually validate that the insurance document, or the PAT cert actually corresponds to the equipment that has turned up. All the venue are doing, is providing an audit that they have made reasonable steps to ensure that they have done the relevant Health and Safety steps to insure that there are no mishaps. Also, looking back at the thread, good to see that somebody else is using UPS. We get 30 mins of playing time off the grid. Most amusing when venues are trying to figure out how we've bypassed the system. Good luck - and don't forget to tell us your post gig story. If it is a disaster down to the sound limiter, get the wedding party to post a review on social media. Don't kill the venue - give them a fair review but write how disappointing it was that venue did not disclose the sound restrictions up front (if they didn't... some do but some couples don't understand the significance of it). <- Mega annoyance of mine. I find it incredible that venues aren't required to disclose such massive constraints upfront. As a side note, in my contracts, I specifically call out the safe power requirements and before I enter into an agreement with any client, I get the sound limiter status of the venue. I then explain the options to the client and whether the client wants to go forward with the band playing. In reality, I don't want sound limiter gigs, so tend to price myself out the market. The only ones that I'm not too bothered by taking, are the ones where I plug into sound systems where the venue provides the PA. This is becoming more and more common. I just turn up with the IEM setup and output to venue system.... which no doubt has a horrendous brick wall limiter on it and makes everything sound awful. But hey. What can you do? Good luck and hope this helps.

If what you want to do is (a) learn to play 5-string and (b) remain married, then this would seem to be the simple option. At that price, you haven't 'spent' £199, you have converted £199 worth of cash into £199 of bass, and you can convert back again at any time.

Aye the old....booked the wrong band thing. We played all original proggy type stuff in the early 70s, and avoided CIU clubs like the plague. We were booked to play one by an agent, so questioned him about it. "Its probably a private party for a younger audience" was his excuse. After setup, and a drink or two in the pub over the road, we come on stage to an audience of typical CIU regulars, average age about 55, and just look helplessly at each other. We did our usual first three songs and a couple of women of a certain age walk up scowling "Can you not play something we know?" as the tumbleweed rolled over the empty dance floor. Errr yes, no problem I lied. I introduced our next selfe penned song as "The new one by T Rex". It went down a storm and the dance floor filled up. I carried on introducing our songs as the new stuff by the current incumbents of the charts and the audience were happy enough. They must have thought we had our fingers on the pulse of popular music. Managed to avoid the clubs after that.

You could bypass the whole thing though. Only the sockets on stage will be wired to the meter. In the past we’ve run long mains leads from other sockets up to the stage and powered everything from those. The meter can do what it likes then and the power will stay on. Just don’t let the Jobsworth see you doing it.

Oh yes, I know that one too. Many years ago when I lived in Swindon, my blues-rock trio (Hendrix, Gary Moore, ZZ Top etc, and we were really good) had a booking at the Plessey Social Club... when we walked through the door, we lowered the average age in the room by about 40 years. As we set up, I could feel the glares from the light-&-bitter brigade burning holes in the back of my head. We had backline and a vocal PA only, nothing DI'd or miked up -- Steve the drummer was first to get set up, he sat down and picked up a stick and hit his snare drum ONCE... and I heard a croaky old voice from out in the shadows say, "ooh, it's a bit loud...". Predictably the first set was horrendous, every song met with almost total silence apart from a few “turn it down!”s from some of the coffin-dodgers and one or two claps. One of them even walked up mid-song, stood right in front of me and stuck his fingers in his ears and bellowed “It's TOO LOUD”. End of the first set couldn’t have come soon enough for me. During the interval, the club MC asked if he could borrow one of our mics to do the bingo. Ye gods. Eventually we couldn’t put the second set off any longer and trudged to the stage. I was just putting my bass on when a woman approached me. I thought, if she tells me to turn it down I’m just going to pack up and sod off home. But she said cheerfully, “OK lads, all the old farts have bugggered off home, they only come for the bingo... you can turn it back up now”. So we did... needless to say, the second set was a lot better and we never set foot in there again

How did I end up with this bass? Wasn’t I looking at P basses (yes, I was)? Well, whatever occurred to alter the search this drastically, I’m pleased with the result. I acquired my first short scale about 12 months ago, a JMJ Mustang, which really opened my eyes to the delights of short scale basses. Having watched and listened carefully to some YT demos and reviews, I pulled the trigger on this Daphne Blue, all maple necked beast. It’s all passive, but with some interesting little wiring shenanigans, namely: a series/parallel/single coil selector and a volume boost built into the volume pot. The boost seems a bit of a misnomer as, in reality, it’s a volume cut, the ‘normal’ setting being fairly quiet compared to my Mustang. So I’ll be keeping on boost permanently. The coil splitting is very good, without any really noticeable volume changes between the 3 settings and, unusually for me, I’ll be leaving that set to parallel (I normally opt for series). It comes with a nut width of 38mm, which I normally find too narrow, but combined with the extra girth that all maple necks from MM seem to have, it’s very comfortable and suits the diminished size well. The nut slots were cut a bit high, so I’ve taken them down about 1mm and the fret tang finishing on the sides is a bit untidy with inconsistent filler (some small pin holes and a lighter colour filler used). The tuners aren’t the best, with a little slop in them, they do the job though, they’re just not premium (some lightweight, Hipshot lollipops would be a great upgrade). It could possibly do with a bit more foam under the pickup to achieve more height as there is more adjustment available in the screws. However, those are the only shortcomings, the rest of the bass is pukka. It’s really nice to play and is super comfortable to wear, weighing in at a mere 3.4kg - happy days. Tonally, it does the ‘Ray thing really well for a passive bass, but adding my Sadowsky SBP2 into the chain and it’s a proper ‘Ray and really sounds great when slapped, which is weird as I don’t slap that often, but I couldn’t resist a bit of Higher Ground, Lessons in Love and School Days. At £599 it seems well priced, although no gigbag or adjustment tools seems a bit mean. Next to my Mustang it adds a really good tonal contrast, whilst still maintaining the short scale vibe and feel. OK, it’s early days, but I think I may have this one a good while (I daren’t tempt fate and call it a keeper just yet). Oh yeah…

We had a roadie back in the early 90s who not only had a legendary dog (Merlin, see earlier story), but an ancient, hand-painted Transit van in matt black. Now he was a proper old hippy, always had a large reefer in his hand and never exceeded 45mph (which was no doubt a good thing, but journeys invariably took a very long time). Once we were supporting (i think) Gaye Bykers in Exeter, which went down very well; we'd had a decent rider, we'd been paid and all were a little tired and emotional (apart from Roadie, who didn't drink). So we set off towards London, one in the front and the rest of us lolling on top of cabs and gear in the back, and everybody eventually fell asleep. Quite a while later I woke up and saw complete blackness everywhere, no motorway, no signs of any lights or life, we were on a tiny single track road and Roadie had absolutely no clue where we were. Turned out Roadie had a problem with fixating... He would follow the line on the left unless specifically told not to! So he'd bimbled off the M4 somewhere in Gloucestershire, and via a series of random left turns we'd all ended up in mid Wales. We got home about 11am, which was a bit of a problem as I was working at 8am!

After Brexit I thought the chances of picking up (another) Limelight were going to be slim. What d'you know, I just snagged #0256 from a German bass forum. Thanks, Andreas! I think the pics are originally from Mark.

Village fair power supply...

Those gigs you thought were going to be awful but turned out nice in the end. Following on from the train wreck thread... My country rock trio (something like Motorhead playing country) were booked for Boomtown festival. The site is devided into zones, futuristic, urban, etc and a wild West zone where we were playing. Our zone was all timber facades of saloons etc complete with actors doing gunfights every hour, falling off buildings into hay carts, "ladies" plying their trade etc We'd been told that there would be backline, drum kit etc just bring guitars, pedals and breakables... We arrive to find that none of this is true. There isn't even a stage. There is a small pa and they get us to set up on the saloon steps to entertain the crowd between bands on the main stage. Everything is plugged into the pa including the guitar and as he usually uses the dirty channel on his amp it's clean sound only. Our drummer has to play standing up with snare, hi hat , ride and a suit case for a bass drum. All set to be a total train wreck but...our set coincided with the actors clocking off for the day. Still in full wild west costume they gathered Infront of us and immediately started dancing wildly waving shot guns in the air and generally having a blast. Their presence attracted more people and we ended up with a good crowd. Just goes to show that things can turn around.

Sound advice mate, but I think it will over complicate things. The issue is that someone has made the decision, that as the OP’s band is not on the ‘recommended list’ (whatever that is), that the band is required to do a sound check on a day prior to the day they have been booked for. The response should be no, that is not happening and if they are standing by that stipulation, then the band will not be playing the wedding. I’ve never heard such an utterly ridiculous request and I wouldn’t be surprised if this has been suggested by a wedding planner type person rather than being a requirement of the venue itself. The venue, it seems, allows live bands to perform there. Whether the OP’s band is on the list or not should make no difference whatsoever, unless they only have acoustic duo’s and the like in which case they should never have been booked. This kind of nonsense boils my blood.

Without any measurements etc, I always felt it played and sounded like 60's. I really liked the XJ-1T Lite I had, sounded balance, played nicely, was about as light as I'd want for an active Jazz. Mine had the hum-cancelling module included, and I found the preamp to me very musical and intuitive, including loving the tone control that worked in active mode also. Here's a live session I did with it should it be of interest. Si

Current set up

1966 candy apple red jazz bass. Took about 4 years to save for. I haven’t played it in about 2 years but it’ll never be sold. It is and will always be the best bass guitar ever.

I've got a gold and black Kay waterslide decal spare from when I did my brown and white one. It's just the K in a circle logo. You can have it if it's any use to you.

Congratulations to @SH73 who delivered a fine tune to grasp the January challenge win from a fine set of entries. As is his privilege, he has chosen the following image for your February inspiration. Apparently only built today, purely to satisfy the insatiable Basschat choonsmithery Simple rules ✔️ Entries must be <5 minutes and recorded this month. ✖️ No illegal samples, copyright infringements or other snide goings-on ✖️ No Bagpipes. please no bagpipes, the Chinese new year truce now Expired. panpipes only if you have too. ✖️ No voting for your own entry. We'll know. And we'll shame you. A line or two offering an insight to your inspiration/track choice will be good as well , it works nicely on the voting thread. Deadline wise , we will go for midnight on ' World thinking Day ' 👍, though you probably have till I get home from work on the 23rd. I guess midnights are good deadlines though , I think probably creating a deadline of.... '19.36 on the 23rd Feb after getting home from vising Mr & Mrs Howard who wanted advice on a new front door' ... isn't very rock and roll now is it ? Dive in

This bad boy dropped on the doormat today. Will give it a whirl at tomorrows rehearsal.

https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/165313415946?hash=item267d728b0a%3Ag%3AOUwAAOSwISlh8Wpx&LH_ItemCondition=3000

My experience of playing in a room with Db meters is, always bring a very, very, very long extension lead. If you know what I mean.

Rumour has it the new amp and cabs will finally be announced/released this week.

I’ve failed so miserably this year already, I’m looking at maybe 2027 before I can get back into one of these threads 😯

I wonder whether the venue is trying to steer the couple in the direction of using one of its "approved" bands. The venue will then book one of its "approved" bands and take a cut of their fee. The insistence that the band turns up on another day to "soundcheck" is ridiculous. It guarantees nothing. There would be nothing to prevent a band from turning everything right down at the so-called "soundcheck" and then cranking it on the day. I reckon the venue is trying to scam a few pounds extra for itself. I agree with others who suggest turning it over to the couple to negotiate with the venue.

Ah. . . yes!! In the "old days" you'd jump into your trusty ex-GPO Commer van and head off anywhere for a gig. I was picked up at about 8am to drive to Sunderland. We did the gig and headed back, getting into the morning rush hour somewhere near Hatfield at about 8 am. Sitting in the traffic jam we saw an old woman walking between the cars. Our roadie, who was a helpful chap, jumped out and asked if there was a problem and she told us she was lost and trying to find her way home, which was somewhere in Lambeth! I know, we didn't think to question that!! We were a helpful bunch so put her in the van and took her to Lambeth. We couldn't find the road, so went to the Police station to ask. They took one look at her and said "Hello Mary. So you've turned up again!" Apparently she was in a old peoples home in Hatfield and kept trying to go back to where she had lived. We left her with the Police and I was finally dropped off in West London at about 1 o'clock! A 27 hour round trip!

My new Tribute JB-2 arrived today, keeping my weakness/soft spot for this model ongoing 🙂

To mis-quote the Shrek line to describe the jazz/groove trio I played in, it wasn't getting us to play that was the issue, it was getting us to shut up. The set was made up mostly of stuff from the 70s (think tv theme music), with plenty of improvisation. If we weren't feeling particularly inspired the set would still over run, but on a good night the improvisations could easily triple the length of a song and the keyboard player, as good as he was, would be in a world of his own. Playing a gig in Northampton, we were feeling particularly inspired, no break between sets, heads down and thoroughly enjoying our improvisational genius (well in our heads we were genius!). Then, all we could hear was drums as the PA stopped working. Management had pulled the plug and came over to sort of apologise but mostly to say it was the easiest way to shut us up given that it was closing time and we weren't paying attention to his gesturing. We were still feeling quite chuffed with our playing but the managements parting comment was that 'we were quite good but next time could we play more than just one unrelenting song'. We felt slightly less chuffed as we packed up.

I am declaring the woodwork done. Cross brace: Corner ears because the recess isn't deep enough for the grille, and blocks to fix the grille to: And maybe unnecessary, but because the handle screw heads aren't recessed I got worried about them scratching some hypothetical uneven floor, so a sort of bezel around the handles: And a load of filling (with 50/50 wood filler and wood glue, as recommended by Blue Aran) and sanding. I think I've done enough sanding for a while. Crossover under construction: point to point wiring for the LF side, components soldered to matrix board and point to point wiring for the HF side, and Wago lever terminals to connect to the input and drivers because they're supposed to be more secure than screw terminals? I can almost believe the end is in sight!

I used to play a few jazz gigs with my dad on piano and brother on drums. My dad would rustle up some local talent on brass and woodwind and put on a jazz afternoon or evening for his local village to raise some money. My brother and I were co-opted in, he would busk the drums and I'd do my best to play walking bass over some awkward chord changes written in indecipherable hyroglyphics. It was mainly just a case of keep going at the back, listen and watch for changes while the woodwind/brass/piano played huge great solos and took the heat. My brother and I, at the back would be pulling faces at each other and playing random humorous fills in relevant places and generally using it as an excuse to have fun. At one of these gigs we stopped for a break, sandwiches and wine and while I was talking to my brother about how busy it was and how well we were playing and going down, a lady approached us. "You must be H's sons." "Yes" "Well I've been watching you both. Stop messing around at the back!" Always very humbling to be told off when you're in your mid forties. 😆

Headlining a stage at Truck festival which was the culmination of a week of reasonably high profile festival gigs that have all gone off with successively bigger bangs. Singer pushes herself too hard the day before after doing a festival headliner plus a BBC live set and consequently can barely talk so we're running through the setlist trying to work out bits we can drop or that we can fill out with backing vocals. "That's a cosy ten minutes" indeed. The stage was the only indoor one and it had been raining all day so we were confident of pulling a decent crowd, but it turns out to be in a recently vacated cowshed which smelt like it had only been vacated overnight - turns out there's a certain penetrating quality to cow fosters on concrete that even a couple of hours of serious scrubbing won't remove. After about thirty minutes your nose just shuts down entirely and your earwax starts melting instead. We can see the crowds turning up at the entrance but they inevitably get about twenty feet into the venue before The Whiff hits them and they make a sharp exit. Acoustics are exactly what you'd imagine from a concrete floor, breezeblock walls, and a tin roof. Guitarist ends up snapping a string halfway in and passes his guitar offstage to our tech for restringing while he used the backup, but tech is actually a driver and moreover has never strung a Bigsby before so is totally stumped and eventually just lumps the guitar back onto side-stage unstrung. I think we made it to 30 minutes in the end to be fair to the hardcore few who stayed it out, but it was clear that nobody (audience or band) had their heart in it when Artic Monkeys are playing just across the field in a venue that doesn't smell like a nervous farmer's market. Drive back North was a couple of hours of heavily reconsidering life choices. edit: reading this back it strikes me that both Cow Fosters (thanks swear filter...) and The Whiff would be great band names.

Wondering whether your at the right gig or not reminded me of one we did at a pub which turned out to be in the middle of nowhere up on the moors . It was in the winter and, as we wound our way up country lanes, arriving at this desolate place in the rain we were already wondering what we’d let ourselves in for. Who on earth was going to bother coming out here in this weather to see a band nobody’s heard of? We went into the pub to find out where to set up and the landlord took us outside again and across the car park to this huge outbuilding. You’re in here he says. It was freezing in there and the sinking feeling continued. Nevertheless we pressed-on loaded the gear in and started setting up. When we were ready to soundcheck and switched the PA on there was a huge buzz. We’d never had this before and spent the next hour frantically checking connections and changing cables all to no avail (we later discovered it was a ground loop but didn’t know what that was or how to cure it at time). All this was with freezing cold hands with numb fingers. Anyway, we were running out of time and decided to press on regardless. At this point, the landlord comes back and wheels in this huge red cylinder thing about 10 feet long and a 18” diameter, which turned out to be some kind of industrial heater. He turned it on and within about ten minutes the place had nicely warmed up. Maybe things were looking up? Not long after the flawed soundcheck, to our surprise people started turning up. They were bikers on Harleys and trikes etc. I’m not sure if they were Hells Angels or Satans Slaves but you get the idea of the crowd that was forming, there were loads of them. At one point I went outside and there were literally dozens of bikes parked up. Given that we leaned towards the punk/alternative end of the musical spectrum we felt a bit intimidated and wondered if we’d survive the encounter. Feeling somewhat daunted, we apologised for the huge PA buzz and launched into our set. Despite the potential for it to be a train wreck, to our surprise we actually went down quite well. Afterwards a couple a of the guys complimented us and said it was like a breath of fresh air having something different to the usual diet of metal bands that played there. Feeling relieved we packed up and set off home again. I was driving and as we headed down the winding country lanes back to civilisation, we rounded a bend only to be faced with a pony caught in the headlights in the middle of the road. I slammed on the brakes, which with all the weight in the van took some effort, and we came within a gnats chuff of turning the poor pony into dog meat! Then ensued another daft hour trying to work out what to do with it to make sure it was safe. Anyway, all’s well that ends well.

I would be speaking to the bride and telling her you cannot put your band in such a position to ruin her night. I'd ask her to feed that right back to the wedding planner (they all have massive egos!) and the venue.

When we first started we used to rehearse in a church hall. It was on a hill so was actually under the church. We used to rehearse on Tuesdays and Wednesdays so no hassle. This time we set up and launched full tilt into our latest song and a couple of minutes later this old boy came running down the stairs with a panicked look on his face. Stop, stop, there's a funeral service going on in the church! No one thought to tell us.

The leave ‘Leave it Wayne- he’s not worth it’ type as drunks roll around on the floor with onlookers giving various forms of enthusiastic advice.

Much more me…

I guarantee there will be more knobs in the audience than there will be playing instruments. Are they going to vet all the guests as well? There is someone somewhere in the chain of decision making that needs a good kick up the derrière. The client needs to find out who that is and talk some sense into them.

Another time when in our first incarnation we played at a village hall way up North. I won't say where for reasons later to be shared. It was a massive drive and when we got there we were told there's no point starting until one o'clock when the pubs empty. We sound checked and found that there was a dodgy cable which caused a loud noise when it was disturbed. Our keyboard player/rythm guitarist had to surrender his guitar amp as the lead guitarist's packed in. One o'clock came and no bugger turned up. We decided we should start and they should come, or so we thought. Our keyboard player/rhythm guitarist not having a guitar amp, would walk off stage if there were no keyboard parts. Every time he did this he would stand on the dodgy cable. This caused much annoyance with the rest of us and tempers were rapidly fraying and harsh words exchanged. We finished the night with about six people in the audience. When we spoke to the woman from the hall committee who had hired us and asked for our fee, she said I can't pay you, not enough people turned up. This caused more arguments as we said you booked us! It's not our fault etc, etc. She was adamant she couldn't afford our fee. We settled down for the night in the back of the hall in our sleeping bags and grumbled. Luckily someone had brought some hash and we ended up getting stoned and drunk and having a great laugh. We were so cheesed off at not getting the money that we raided the halls stock of props and nicked some footlights that did us for many years. All in all we could have a laugh about it later but at the time we were mightily cheesed off. Luckily the PA hire and disco that we had travelled with put it down to a good laugh road trip and didn't insist on being paid. Ah, the memories.

I doubt you'd get away with that in a large wedding venue anymore.

I have previously struggled to choose a picture so a quick Lego build shoved between house plants and a snap will do I thought. There is a panda, monkey and a turtle with a parrot in the background. So the choice is yours. Many, many interpretations. Happy composing.

Elvis Costello - Pump It Up

My Sharona by The Knack, but check out the awesome version by Phil X & The Drills to hear how good it really is on bass & drums.

Only three or four years ago, New Years Eve, we (function trio) turn up to an agency gig (a new agent, too, whom the Singist/BL assured us was 'Bob on') at a working men's club; I'd originally been delighted, as it's a mile from my house - as with a lot of NYE gigs, the DJ was bound to want us to pack it in at 11:45 so he could do the chimes, etc; I could be home before midnight for once. The first small inklings that something might not be quite right were the posters saying 'Soul Band and Buffet' as we were loading in, but we thought that was another night. We got set up (with BC-approved Minimal Light Gear Including In-Ears, etc), on the very big stage, begin to soundcheck, and the landlord approaches. He looks confused, and not very happy. 'Where's the rest of you?' he said, with a kind of doomed, sinking tone in his voice. 'Sorry?' 'You know, the horn section...the rest of the band' 'Erm...this is it.' 'But...but...I booked a full Soul Band. Horns and everything.' 'Oh' 'Can you play any Northern Soul?' There's a pause. The singist has his acoustic around his neck. He decides honesty is the best policy. 'Not that you'd recognise, no.' We tried, we really did (after some furious Googling and scribbling backstage), but it was never going to happen. The audience weren't for giving us the benefit of anything, least of all the doubt. We did one set, then the DJ took over, and we slunk away. At least I was home in plenty of time before midnight. And we got paid, too, tho the agent (echoing the audience) seemed to think it was somehow our fault, and never booked us again. No loss there, to be fair... The only consolation was thinking some venue somewhere got a full Soul Band they weren't expecting...I'd like to think it was the back room of a small pub, and they blew the roof off...

I've told this in another thread before on here, but it fits well in this one, so apologies. When I played the fiddle, I used to do a lot of ceilidhs and barn dances. One night, I was booked as part of the band for a Burns supper. It was quite a smart affair - chaps in DJs and kilts, ladies in ball gowns, etc. The usual format for such occasions is that the band provides background music during dinner and then plays for dancing. It's a tradition at a Burns Supper that the haggis is brought into the dining room at the start of the dinner itself, accompanied by a bagpiper. It is placed on the top table and the MC recites Burns's Ode to a Haggis. Bagpipers are very busy on Burns night and good ones are not to be found on every street corner. As a result, they can play many jobs during the evening. They go to a venue, pipe in the haggis, collect their money, accept a dram or two and head off to the next one. It was obvious, when the piper arrived, that he had done quite a few jobs already that night and had accepted a generous dram at every one of them. He was plastered. However, he was still able to walk in a straight line and play, so all was good. The chef carried the the haggis into the room on a silver salver, accompanied by the piper. The procession made its way to the stage, where the haggis was placed on a table placed at the front of it. The MC stepped forward and began his recitation, whilst the piper stood to one side, playing and marking time on the spot. The effort of blowing into the instrument, combined with the skin full he had imbibed, caused the piper to lose control of his bowels for a moment. As he was wearing his kilt in the traditional manner, there was nothing to catch the product of his lapse, which plopped down on the stage between his feet. This wouldn't have been so bad - the height of the stage made it unlikely that anyone could see the offending item. However, whilst marching on the spot, he stepped in it and slipped. His boot flew up, propelling bits of it into the audience. The band hastily vacated the stage and howled with laughter in the dressing room. The piper was ejected and the mess was cleared up, but the evening never really recovered.